This trip has officially hit a point where I fucking hate being a part of it. There are a handful of moments that are still fun — meeting new people, for example. But by and large, this has become physically disgusting, mentally taxing, and emotionally disturbing. I haven’t taken a shit in days and I am at least slightly angry most of the time.
The worst aspect of all is that I can’t sleep. The past two nights have been spent sleeping in an bed above the driver’s seat with both Shannon O’Neill and Will Hines. They are two of my best friends, but friendship goes away pretty quickly when you’ve got Will snoring directly into one ear and Shannon farting into the other. It’s amazing how quickly you will turn on a decade-long friendship when one of the friends is farting into your face. I love Shannon O’Neill. But she is sitting literally eighteen inches to my right at this moment and has no idea that if I could push her out of the moving RV right now, I would do it, rather than smell her fucking farts for one more night.
I also am grotesque. I haven’t showered in days. I have a fucked up ingrown hair on my neck that has been there for so long that I’m convinced the only way I could possibly get rid of it is to slit my own throat. It seems like my new routine is going to bed slightly sad and waking up very angry. And this trip was my idea. I can only imagine how bitter and resentful the other passengers on this RV are towards me. If their thoughts towards me are even half as vindictive and evil as mine are towards them, I think it’s probably best that I put the following out there – if I die on this trip, it was definitely not an accident no matter what the people on board tell you. They did it. Don’t ever let them convince you otherwise.
This trip has broken me. I hope this makes our internet videos better, at the very least.
Speaking of those, here’s something I enjoyed and I think you guys will too. This was one of my few fleeting moments of joy yesterday. We drove like four hours to get to this place called Keaton’s BBQ in Cleveland, NC because people were telling us the chicken there was fantastic.
Rather than explain it to you, I’ll just let you watch this video of what happened. Check it out above.
Last night we slept in another fucking WalMart parking lot. Now that we’re out of the northeast, we have less friends, family, and other comedians to exploit for their goodwill. We were all getting really cocky with the fucking home cooked food and peoples extra beds to sleep on and shit. Now shit is getting real. I’m cursing more, visibly angrier, and less fun to be around. I also have to take a shit, but I just can’t in a WalMart bathroom. I don’t know why. I have shit in worse places. Something about this whole experience is fucked up, man.
"I have a fucked up ingrown hair on my neck that has been there for so long that I’m convinced the only way I could possibly get rid of it is to slit my own throat. It seems like my new routine is going to bed slightly sad and waking up very angry."
Dear God. If I ever go on a trip, I'll be sure to bring some exfoliating scrub.
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