A Would-Be Comedian Died Tonight, Or Remember When Marlee Matlin Killed It At The Trump Roast?

Wow, they were not joking about The Situation bombing at the Trump Roast.  Many of the Sitch’s jokes were sub-par, but the majority of them were blown by the worst sense of timing in the world. It was as if he didn’t understand the cadence of jokes (or *cough* is functionally illiterate *cough*). I would say watch the video to see what I mean, but it is incredibly painful to watch. The crowd turned on the Situation as his bit dragged on in paralyzingly awkward silence, finally booing so loud that Jeff Ross had to call for some decency to let the man finish. When someone is asking for anyone to show humanity at a Comedy Central Roast, you know things have gone wildly off the rails.

The surprise kill of the night, however, belonged to deaf Academy-Award-winner Marlee Matlin, who currently appears on Trump’s The Apprentice. After approximately one million deaf jokes being lobbed her way, Matlin came back strong…with even more deaf jokes. Luckily they also happened to be some of the best jokes of the night. Matlin lost a little momentum when she started just signing (Whitney Cummings: a pantomime dick in the mouth, Lisa Lampenelli: a lot of pantomime dicks in her mouth), but the quality of her material, and her willingness to get vicious toward everyone including herself, proved a winning combination. If you can’t watch video at work without your boss wondering why you’re cackling like a madman, here is a list of Matlin’s best insults (Oh also, you’re welcome):

  • On Whitney Cummings: “I’ve been told by thousands of people that I sound like Whitney Cummings with a dick in her mouth.”
  • On Mike Sorrentino: “Like the Situation, I too have never heard the sound of laughter.”
  • On Jeff Ross: “Can you believe he actually asked me out? I told him Jeff, I’m deaf, not blind!”
  • On Larry King: Just signing having to shock Larry with defibrillator paddles.
  • And my personal favorite, on Lisa Lampenelli: “I won the Oscar for Best Actress, and Lisa won Best In Breed at the county fair.”

Gilbert Gottfried then stepped in to be of assistance as Matlin’s “translator”, adding a welcome familiar screech to the proceedings.  “Speaking of ball room, Mr. Trump, how are those Spanx holding up?” he inquired, before calling the man of the hour “the 20th hijacker.” Overall, I thought it was top-notch as roasts go, and Trump took it like a pro. For those of you just sitting on all that material about deafness, you truly missed the opportunity of a lifetime.

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