Charles Manson: The Kickstarter Page, by Scott Jacobson

ABOUT THIS PROJECT

Listen, you play it on the square with me and we’ll be fine, just fine, but I seen the earth turnin’ and burnin’ since before you had teeth in your skull, brother, so don’t come askin’ me where to hang your fine cotton panties when the shit goes down! Here’s the score: the world’s drownin’ in blood, there’s a race war comin’, and we got bulls swingin’ beatdown sticks out in Suicide Alley with the Jews and homosexuals hangin’ back waitin’ for sloppy seconds! So I’m seeking $6,500 for outreach materials and to fund workshops focusing on open skill and resource sharing!

HOW WILL THIS PROJECT GROW?

Grow? Grow like a cancer tumor or a pretty little tulip? Ha ha! They’re the same! You cut off the snake’s head but you better watch out ‘cuz the tail’s got a stinger! Oh we’re growing! Growing the cosmos, dig me? At the netroots level! Tell me, how they gonna put me in seg when the real criminals are out there, stealin’ your old lady and slippin’ thought poison into the U.S. mails? We also got a volunteer street team!

INSPIRATION

I get inspiration from my morning piss, brother! I get inspiration from a rat caught in a trap squealin’ to his rat god for motherlovin’ mercy! I get inspiration from the TED Conference talk by Sebastian Thrun, talkin’ about a driverless car! You seen that? I love them TED Conference talks! Would love to do one. Get in touch!

NOW… WHAT INSPIRES YOU?

Write to me and tell me what inspires you and include names of any females who might be interested in corresponding with a man in a federal penitentiary. Need photos! Write what inspires you on the back of the photos of women interested in corresponding with a man in a federal penitentiary!

DONATE $1 OR MORE

You get my heartfelt thanks.

DONATE $10 OR MORE

You get my thanks and a crumpled toilet paper wrapper I drew a swastika on.

DONATE $50 OR MORE

All of the above plus I’ll butcher an evil hog for you in my dreams.

DONATE $100 OR MORE

All of the above plus in the afterlife I’ll lay you down on a giant sex mattress the size of the Pacific Ocean and a chorus of far-out chicks will play the music of righteousness on their dobros while I put my motion into you and make you dance and shimmy and surf the waves of the universe and also you’ll receive an exclusive 16×20 gallery wrap canvas print of artwork by renowned street artist KOOP.

DONATE $1000 OR MORE

All of the above plus I’ll lick your face.

Scott Jacobson is a comedy writer in Los Angeles. He currently writes for Bob’s Burgers on Fox.

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