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Monday, June 27th, 2011

It Was All Yellow: Reviewing the Simpsons Porn Parody

The Simpsons porn parody should, by all accounts, be the worst film ever made. Which is why I consider it both miraculous and slightly alarming that I found it decidedly enjoyable. Well, as enjoyable as a porn can possibly be when the sex scenes are narrated by Homer Simpson. Let’s just say there is a slight repurposing of his trademark drool.

While watching The Simpsons porn parody, one thought kept coming to mind: they figured out this skin-yellowing camera effect first, and then decided to make the porn, right? It’s so shockingly successful that I can’t imagine it was the “egg” in this scenario. Some PA was messing around on the camera, hit a random button (probably one labeled “let’s make it real weird”), and then writer-director Lee Roy Myers saw yellow skin and his eyeballs exploded from the number of dollar signs scrolling through them. It’s the only logical explanation.

The Simpsons porn parody hits us with the plot right up top, which was a little disconcerting (I like to WORK for my porn plots) but mostly just refreshing. The film begins with a covert hand-off where Homer receives a single glazed donut in exchange for a sex “tap” that he made with Marge. Which is important, because it tells us that someone on the set of The Simpsons porn parody does not know how to spell “tape.”

From there, we dive right in to the “tap” itself, presumably watching it in real time. Throughout the film, quick static interstitials act as transitions, a neat little trick that adorably tries to maintain the illusion of this being a home video despite the use of dozens of camera angles.

In the first scene we meet Marge (they don’t even bother with parody names in this one), played by an impressively committed Andy San Dimas. She has Marge’s laugh on lock, works in the rasp, and never breaks character (predictably, Marge getting off sounds like Patty/Selma). Homer is filming her on a camera he borrowed from Flanders, which gets Marge so hot and bothered that she literally lets her hair down. This is important! Lee Roy has learned from his 30 Rock/Frank Rossitano-related mistakes! Good job, Lee Roy. I’ve never been prouder of you.

What follows is a pretty standard POV blowj punctuated by off-screen Homer drools, murmurs, and occasional “ooo!"s, which are never not weird. However, the guy voicing Homer/playing Homer’s penis does a phenomenal Homer impression. To the point where for the first ten minutes I thought they might be using actual audio from the show. Then I realized that even in 22 seasons they would have had trouble finding a suitable response to “You like the way I suck your cock, Homey?”

Homer then gets distracted by a television behind Marge, which is playing McBain: The (apparently Made For TV) Porn Parody. A parody within a parody, how Inception of them. We then somehow, even though this is a home video, cut to that scene. Oh well.

The McBain sex scene starts with so much plot that it’s hilarious. McBain (a solid impression from Evan Stone) is in a stand-off with a very poorly cast but excellently referenced Mendoza. There’s also a random girl named Nancy there? And McBain’s mad because Mendoza stole plutonium or something? Not sure. What I am sure about is that Lee Roy is a big fan of McBain references. I’d even go so far as to say he probably saw that YouTube video once.

And thennnnn McBain shoots Mendoza (wrong) and to celebrate whips out his enormous penis. Enormous. Like, imagine how cartoonishly huge the character McBain’s penis probably is, and then that. It honestly ruined the entire scene for me because I was just worried about Nancy’s insides. At one point they’re having sex at such an angle that there is literally nowhere for his penis to go. It has to be going up into her leg. Also ruining the scene for me, this line: McBain: “McBain’s big balls are going to slap on your ass.” Neat.

We then cut back to Marge and Homer, where Marge is nervous to show her goods to the camera because someone might come in. Cue Flanders!

Flanders: (entering) Howdily doodily.
Homer: (O.S.) Flanders, get out!
Flanders: (exiting) Okily dokily.

I prayed to the gods of porn parody that this would be the only time we saw Flanders for the entire movie, and they answered my prayers. A totally unnecessary second-long inclusion of Flanders. I loved it.

Then, James Deen! The gods of porn parody are truly smiling upon me. James Deen enters as Moe, and oh boy. James, you know I love you like a porn star, but this Moe impression is…actually, it’s not terrible. But it’s closer to terrible than not terrible. It’s something. Moe asks to borrow the camera for a hot date.

Moe: You might say she’s prime real estate.
Homer: Mmmm. Prime rib-estate.

Not exactly how the ‘mmmm’ joke works, but okay. We’ll go with it. We then cut to Moe’s hot date with yup, you didn’t guess it, Cookie Kwan. The number one real estate agent on the west side, and such a random Simpsons character to include. Unfortunately, the girl playing Cookie Kwan both looks and acts like she has down syndrome. She is the worst actress of all time. I feel awkward that I’m about to watch my boyfriend have sex with her. Sigh. The scene’s okay. I don’t want to talk about it.

We then cut back to Homer and Marge, who’s finally loosened up about getting sexy on camera. How can I tell? I dunno, something in her delivery of the line “I bet you want to dive into this blue muff I have right here” tipped me off. Just super smart intuition I guess.

What follows is the craziest porn shot I have ever seen: a guy’s POV of going down on a girl. The camera is staring literally right into Marge’s vagina. Clearly it’s an act — with the camera there there’s no room for a head — but Andy San Dimas should win every Oscar ever for this scene. She is the anti-Cookie Kwan, and that is the best compliment I’ve ever given anyone.

Which brings us to the moment we’ve all been waiting for: POV of Homer and Marge doin’ the sex. It’s strangely awesome. My girl Andy is just killing it. All I kept thinking during this scene was how straight out of some hardcore Simpsons fan fiction it was. A dream come true for the saddest person alive. And then it’s over!

Overall, this was by far the funniest porn parody I’ve watched so far. There were more jokes, more character dialogue and more throw-away references than any others (there’s also an off-screen Barney joke at one point). But on a porn level, it was pretty bad. Not only did I suffer sympathy vagina pain from McBain’s kidney-puncher, but Cookie Kwan had the sex appeal of a couch and in general, there just wasn’t enough positional variety for me. But hey, if you’re looking for a POV porn where you can pretend to be Homer Simpson and eat out Andy San Dimas dressed as Marge Simpson, then you, my creepily specific friend, are in luck.

Sarah Schneider has written for Saturday Night Live and CollegeHumor. She enjoys comedy and porn, not necessarily in that order (in that order).

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  • http://mattpayton.tumblr.com/ Charles Bogle

    Did anyone else mistake the dude playing McBain for Henry Rollins?

    • Sarah Schneider

      @Charles Bogle ha! Not an inaccurate comparison.

  • Dialogue_Dub

    Marc Maron, is that you?

  • gleam

    "The film begins with a covert hand-off where Homer receives a single glazed donut in exchange for a sex "tap" that he made with Marge. Which is important, because it tells us that someone on the set of The Simpsons porn parody does not know how to spell "tape.""

    I'm guessing they knew how to spell tape, but meant to suggest that Homer doesn't.

  • Corey Lewis@twitter

    Uhh, anyone else kind of shocked at how good that Homer impression is?

    • gleam

      @Corey Lewis@twitter well, since you never see homer speak on camera, they could have had just about anyone do the impression. i'm sure there are some voice actors out there who will pretend to be homer simpson getting his knob slobbed for the right price.

  • Suckit Mofo@twitter

    You just know that somewhere a new porno is being written about girl named Sarah Snogger who reviews porn parodies.

  • http://www.twitter.com/becca_oneal Rebecca O'Neal

    So we're saying the yellow skin is a camera effect and not like… dye or something?

  • R. Jones@twitter

    The yellow is makeup and camera tricks, and not just a camera trick, as far as I know.

    And the guy doing the penis work for Homer is Anthony Rosano, and I believe he did the voice, too.

  • Tod Hunter@twitter

    I was on that set. It was yellow make-up. Gallons of it, applied with industrial-strength airbrushes, just outside the studio. There were large bottles of yellow make-up on the set for touch-ups.