Tuesday, October 18th, 2011

Looking Back at the Terrible Syndicated Sitcoms of the Late 1980s

At the beginning of the 2011 fall TV season, there were 22 live-action sitcoms on the broadcast networks. Twenty-five years ago: there were 37. Among them were progressive, inventive classics of the form, like Cheers, Newhart, and The Cosby Show. But for the most part, those three dozen sitcoms were horrible, cynically churned out dreck, meant to provide escape from the rapidly declining American family, rising cocaine costs, and 15 percent housing interest rates. The Night Courts were far outnumbered by formulaic, rube-baiting junk like Mr. Belvedere, Who’s the Boss?, My Two Dads, and Easy Street. That one was about Loni Anderson moving in with her uncle at an old folks’ home, because those places are hilarious, and not at all crucibles of death, dementia, and depression.

And yet, these network sitcoms, many with sitcom titles so sitcomy they sound like sitcoms Homer Simpson would enjoy (Gimme a Break! and You Again? = Dumbin’ it Down and The Malarkeys), were not even the worst comedies readily available for public consumption at the time. The worst were syndicated sitcoms, ones produced by some production company then peddled to individual TV stations to be used as schedule filler.

Television syndication, briefly: media distributors buy up the rights to older TV shows or produce new ones, which they then sell to the hundreds of individual TV stations around the country. Syndicators can earn millions (or, in the case of the syndicators of Seinfeld reruns, billions) over time. The local stations then sell the ad space and keep all the revenues generated. And there are two kinds of local stations: network affiliates and independents. Affiliates get big blocks of networking. Independent, or non-affiliated stations, have to program their entire schedule, so they buy stuff from syndicators. The programming itself has to be cheap, in order for local stations to want to or be able to buy it.

In the 1980s, there were about 300 non-network affiliated commercial TV stations in the U.S. Today: far less, because there are five major broadcast networks and dozens of smaller and regional ones for stations to hook up with. That means that there isn’t as much of a demand anymore to fill as much airtime as cheaply as possible.  But let’s look back to the ‘80s, when the airwaves were clogged with not-quite-ready-for-prime-time sitcoms, sitcoms not as good as the already bad ones on the networks, and ones very clearly produced with budgets that were fractions of those of network sitcoms.

You Can’t Take It With You. That Kaufman-Hart play from the 1930s that you and I were in back in high school was turned into a sitcom in the 1980s. If not for the fact that it was a completely dated relic of its time, this should have made a great sitcom, because the play’s plot is basically a sitcom episode: a young woman brings her conservative boyfriend home to meet her zany, wacky family of misfits, kooks, and borderline sociopaths. While the play is an ensemble and the patriarch is whimsical and friendly, the sitcom You Can’t Take It With You made the grandpa a bitter old coot and the main character, although he was played by Harry Morgan from M*A*S*H so at least there was that. However, since budgets were a concern for syndicated comedies, it was wise for producers to pick a property that took place in a crumbling brownstone.

Small Wonder. You fondly remember Small Wonder, but you are so very, very wrong. It’s unwatchable. A robotics scientist (Dick Christie) develops a humanoid servant-bot named V.I.C.I., short for “Voice Input Child Identicant.” But then, creepily, Ted builds V.I.C.I., or Vicki rather, to look like a little girl, and one that wears a Downton Abbey maid’s for some reason. Ted then takes Vicki home to live with his family so the robot can become accustomed to people, because that’s what robots do: they adapt and grow and need love. Vicki is portrayed by the allegedly human Tiffany Brissette, who had that monotonal robot voice down pat. Vicki, as she was essentially a slave, was also routinely roped into schemes by Ted’s son Jamie, played by Jerry Suprian, who did not, as the urban legend says, grow up to be Billy Corgan of Smashing Pumpkins.

She’s the Sheriff. Suzanne Somers has always felt she might be the world’s biggest TV star in an alternate universe. Which explains this show, which gets its premise from an alternate universe. Pervasively sexist, She’s the Sheriff is about the unthinkable novelty of a woman serving as a police chief (Somers). She has no experience and is kind of dumb of course, but she got the job when her husband died. The police deputy (George Wyner) constantly conspires against her, this incompetent lady sheriff who’s mostly incompetent because she’s a lady because he’s jealous he didn’t get the job. The show primarily served as a way to present Somers in a tight-fitting police uniform.

Mama’s Family. This was actually once a network sitcom—a spin-off of “The Family” sketches from The Carol Burnett Show, it debuted on NBC in 1983, five years after Burnett ended. (Other comedies that plodded on for a year or two in syndication, with major cast changes and other budget cuts: Silver Spoons,Webster, Too Close for Comfort, and Punky Brewster.) Vicky Lawrence dressed in aging makeup and Ma Berenstain Bear outfits to star as the shrill-voiced matriarch of a dumb Southern stereotype of a family. NBC cancelled the thing in 1984, but kept running the 35 completed episodes that it turned into a hit. It was revived in syndication in 1986 (minus Rue McClanahan and Betty White, who’d moved on to the exponentially superior The Golden Girls) and stayed on the air until 1990, where it probably aired right before or right after Hee-Haw in most markets.

Out of This World. Perhaps the worst sitcom ever, or at least the most '80s sitcom ever. On the occasion of her 13th birthday, Evie (Maureen Flannigan) finds out her absentee father was really an alien. She is gifted by her mother (Donna Pescow, the annoying one from Saturday Night Fever) a glowing blue crystal, with which she has regular, episode-capping conversations about growing up, with the voice provided by Burt Reynolds. Also, because Evie is half-alien, she has special powers, notably the ability to freeze time by touching her fingertips together, a handy device for finishing homework in time, preventing precariously placed paint cans from spilling, and waiting out the alien flu, that sort of thing. Out of This World was created by Scott Baio, which is all you need to know about Out of This World. All you need to know about syndicated comedies then is that it was the kind of bizarre wilderness where Scott Baio was allowed to create television shows.

Brian Boone writes things, and brings love and laughter everywhere.

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  • opossum

    "Easy Street" wasn't set in a retirement home — it involved Loni Anderson as a young widow, who invited two homeless men to live with her in the mansion she'd inherited. It was a completely different type of grim sitcom!

  • archbishop

    I remember loving Out of This World, but never having any idea when it would air.

    Which, I think, was a major problem with the non-affiliate channels. I feel like they shuffled around the schedule so frequently you never knew what you were going to get.

    • JenW

      @archbishop I liked the premise of Out of This World, but I knew it was a bad show. I watched it anyway because I had questions that needed to be answered, and because of the scheduling you mentioned, it was a complete surprise each time I came across it.

      I never understood how people could watch Small Wonder. I was only 11 when it came out and I still knew it was crap.

      • TMZ

        I am a big fan of the show. Bad as it maybe.

    • http://www.shutupshelley.net/ Shelley

      @archbishop I think I used to watch it on the USA Network with "My Two Dads" and that Growing Pains spin-off "Just the Ten of Us." I do vaguely remember it not being played regularly. I haven't seen the show since I was pretty young, but I'm sure it was just awful. I loved it at the time, though. And for the longest time no one knew what I was talking about when I would describe it to them.

  • Josh Drimmer@twitter

    I believe the pitch for "3rd Rock from the Sun" was, in full, "It's like 'Out Of This World,' but good. Trust us."

  • KeiserRoll

    What about "Learnin' The Ropes" with the late great Lyle Alzado? Classic non-comedy.

  • http://recursivebee.blogspot.com Patrick Mortensen

    Even as a kid, when I saw one of these shows, I knew something was off; they felt like the fake products people use in movies. It's almost like someone was working off a checklist of How to Make a Sitcom, but had no real understanding of how any of it worked together.

    The one that blows my mind is "Down to Earth" (youtube), about a time-travelling ghost flapper angel maid. I never saw it as a kid, and to have recently found out now that it was an actual thing that people actually saw, makes me feel like I walked into an alternate timeline or something.

    • http://sorryyourheinous.tumblr.com/ sorry your heinous

      @Patrick Mortensen I can't believe this is a real show. That it ran for multiple seasons is beyond comprehension.

    • http://recursivebee.blogspot.com Patrick Mortensen

      @sorry your heinous Welcome to Earth-2. You won't BELIEVE who our last president was :(

    • http://sorryyourheinous.tumblr.com/ sorry your heinous

      @Patrick Mortensen If it were still the 80s, I think TBS would put your Earth-2 pitch on the air just from these comments.

    • HeyThatsMyBike

      @Patrick Mortensen Holy crap. And the daughter is one of the Real Housewives AND is Paris Hilton's aunt. Just…holy crap.

    • RevengeofZodLovesMaude

      TBS also had the horrible "Rocky Road. "

      • TMZ

        Our Man Jake was on Family Channel sometime between 1987 and 1991, It had the Body By Jake guy. I also vaguely recall the sitcom Dr. Ruth did on USA. 9 to 5 went into syndication after ABC dump it as well. Then there was D.C. Follies with Fred Willard.

  • John Ryan@facebook

    How dare you sully the good name of Mama's Family!

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ryan-Sullivan/88300377 Ryan Sullivan

      @John Ryan@facebook SECONDED

    • daemonsquire

      If, on the other hand, sully you must, thanks a bunch for that tweaky li'l vid!

    • TMZ

      There was a lot of creative differences between the NBC run and Syndication run of Mamma's Family. It caused Carol Burnett to quit. Later Vicki Lawrence admitted she hated how the show dealt with Carol's exit. They just dropped her and never mentioned her again. Carol made amends with Vicki only after the show ended and the creator died in 1993.

  • Ryan Arey@facebook

    I don't understand how Charles in Charge is not mentioned on this list. It's the flagship show of crappy syndicated sitcoms. Sure it helped launch the careers of Meg Ryan, That Girl From Baywatch,and Bible Man…but ech. It is also one of the only screen credits for that blond in teen Wold that takes her top off. Yeah, I looked her up on imdb.

    • TMZ

      Here in my area at one time Silver Spoons, Charles In Charge, Still The Beaver and Punky Brewster reruns ran together evenings around 1988 on a channel. Small Wonder ran Saturday Morning along side The Dom DeLuise Show and Sanford before sports and after cartoons.

  • Brian Boone

    Charles in Charge was actually an unsuccessful CBS show vaguely about incest before it went on to air as a wildly successful syndicated show vaguely about incest.

  • viceroyfizzlebottomatblogspot

    Wow I give props to anyone who watched an entire show of Out of this World, I couldn't even get through the intro!

  • Tragically Bored@twitter

    Out Of This World had more of a reach than you can imagine: Nicholson Baker used the freeze-time power in his book The Fermata. Apparently he spent a lot of time watching sitcoms in the '80s.

  • noël villagrana@twitter

    does anyone remember the name of that sitcom where it had snow white her prince and the evil queen had fallen asleep from the queens spell by mistake and then they all woke up in modern suburbia and the queen turned into the annoying mother n law, i loved that show!

    • Brian Boone

      @noël villagrana@twitter That would be The Charmings.

    • Shira Schweitzer

      The Charmings.

  • Garth Bock@facebook

    Why wasn't BJ and the Bear mentioned ?

    • RevengeofZodLovesMaude

      it was on NBC and wasn't nearly as awful as this shite mentioned.

  • Ray Anselmo@twitter

    @Garth Bock: BJ and the Bear was on NBC, at least for a while.

    But in all seriousness, no love for "Throb"? Jonathan Prince, Diana Canova and (for one season) a young Paul Walker in what may have not only been the worst sitcom ever, but perhaps the worst sitcom that could possibly exist without violating a law of physics.

  • Robin@twitter

    OUT OF THIS WORLD IS THE WORST? How dare you sir. I remember thinking about how having Evie's power would be the best power ever. And also, Steve Burton!

  • Cliff Slatterly

    I never even heard of most of those. I enjoyed Mama's Family though.

  • flapdoodle64 .

    In the late 1980's, I worked at a group home form mentally challenged people. I can tell you that these shows were very popular with the residents…especially 'Charles In Charge' and 'Mr Belvedere.' And I can also tell you that 25 years later, the theme song from 'Charles in Charge' is still creepy as hell, if you listen to the lyrics.

    • beerandpolitics

      i suppose if i wasn't sure from one hour to the next if i'd be laughing or crying or suicidal, i might be comforted that somebody is "in charge of my days and my nights"

  • Dennis

    Mama's family was pretty good you dumb dingle dick!

  • Robin Gottlieb

    Although Scott Baio directed several episodes of "Out Of This World", he did NOT create it. Blame Bob Booker and John Boni for that.

  • RevengeofZodLovesMaude

    What, no Boogie's Diner?" with Jim J Bullock? fuck off.

  • RevengeofZodLovesMaude

    Holy crap, Out of this World uses effects from Buck Rogers tv series.

  • bubinga1

    Mama's Family sucked