“Sweet” Larry Newsom, New York City Construction Worker, by Pablo Goldstein

Oh, baby! Chuck, take a look at this fine piece of tail strolling up. She could feed a whole nursery with those things. Hey mama, come a little closer so I get a peek at what you got. Ya know, you should really get that mole checked out. It looks like it might be cancerous. Did you know that there are over 56,000 new cases of melanoma a year in the United States alone? The skin is the largest organ in the body. You gotta take care of it, honey. Especially in that area around your big ol’ titties.

Holy hell! Unless you’re all half-a-fags, you boys are gonna want to get a load of this dish. Hey good looking, I don’t see a ring on your finger. Does this mean you’re open for business? Or does this mean you’re simply following socioeconomic trends among young Americans between the ages of 25-34 who are 10% less likely to get married than their peers a mere decade earlier? I hope you’re not one of the millions of college grads forced to move back home with their parents, unable to find a job and straddled with a mountain of debt, because what we’re going to be doing tonight will wake up the whole neighborhood!

Hey fellas, feast your eyes on this one! She knows exactly what she’s doing. Hey, sweetcakes! Could you walk towards us one more time so we can get another look at you? That hip swing says it all, darling. I bet you had a good father figure growing up. Not your actual biological father. He probably skipped town when you were 10, leading to a father-daughter relationship built on resentment and anger and $10 bills tucked inside of late birthday cards and a hatred of men until your mother married Mr. Parsons, the assistant manager at the Dr. Pepper factory, who really stepped in and filled the gaping hole in your heart. Give me 5 minutes and I’ll fill another hole of yours. Yo, where you going? She’ll be back.

Check out this little thing. Yo Chuck, doesn’t she look exactly like that Asian chick I banged a couple years back? Hey sugar, what’s a little china doll like you doing all alone in the big city? I’m off the clock in an hour. How about you and me hit up Molly’s Pub for some happy hour and see what happens? But don’t drink too much. As I’m sure you’re aware, many people of Asian descent suffer from alcohol flush reaction, informally known as “Asian glow,” which results in the enzyme ALDH2 being unable to properly breakdown acetaldehyde. But what a lot of people don’t know is that regular drinkers who suffer from this disorder face a much higher risk of esophageal cancer. And you’re definitely gonna need that esophagus later on tonight.

Hey, Red! Red!!! Yeah, I’m talking to you, sweetheart. That fiery hair of yours really does a number on me. I just got two questions: Does the carpet match the drapes? And what’s your opinion on the newly-enacted FDA regulations to crack down on misleading sunscreen advertisements? Judging by your pantsuit, you seem like an educated broad who’s aware that the sun protection factor is a highly flawed laboratory measure. For example, a SPF rating of 50 does not necessarily mean twice the protection of a product with a SPF rating of 25. God, you make my dick hard.

Where you going?! Jesus Christ, Chuck. Why do you always have to be such a perv?

Pablo Goldstein is a writer from East Hollywood whose work has appeared on McSweeney’s and The Phat Phree. You can follow him on Twitter (@PabloGoldstein) if you enjoy jokes about Waka Flocka Flame, Judaism, and 19th century American foreign policy.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit to it, send an email to Becca O’Neal.

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