I watched a lot of bad comedies this year. Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, Take Me Home Tonight, Just Go with It, Zookeeper, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son…the list goes on and on. But all of the unfunny films of 2011, there was one that was especially unfunny, a movie so bad that I’m still not sure if it actually happened – and I’ve seen it twice. No, I’m not talking about Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, which was more performance piece than film, and might actually be a brilliant piece of postmodern something-or-other; I’m referring to the year’s worst Happy Madison production, Jack & Jill.
We ran a review of the Adam Sandler(s?)-starring movie when it came out in November (sample sentence: “It's literally unwatchable, as in there were moments where I had to turn my head away and stop watching because it was so bad”) and who could forget the fake Twitter account, but we haven’t been mentioning it much in our end-of-the-year roundups. What a shame: cinema’s version of dogshit deserves recognition, which is why I present to you: the five worst quotes from 2011’s worst movie, Jack & Jill.
#5. Jill: Why didn’t I use my twin powers to know that? Do they not work when you’re out of the country?
Erin (Katie Holmes): Maybe they don’t.
Katie actually says her line sincerely, like she believes “twin powers” don’t work out of the country and she’s so sad about it. She’s speaking to a GROWN WOMAN(ish) – just tell her, “You’re 40! Why do you still think there’s such a thing as twin powers?" Oh, and the thing Jill doesn’t know: that Jack wasn’t trying to hook her up with Al Pacino, that he just wanted to talk to her and not whore her out so he can get Pacino to star in a Dunkin Donuts commercial, even though that’s actually really what he WANTS to do, and does, when he dresses up as his sister. This is a comedy.
#4. Jack: Why so many bags? Are the Knicks traveling with you?
Jill: Mom always said it’s better to have it and not need it, then to need it and not have it.
Jack: Oh yeah, she did say that. I remember that. That was cool.
Remember when that character we’ve never met and never will said that one thing we never actually heard them say and never will. Yeah. That. That was neat.
#3. Jill: It’s not you — it’s the chimichangas! They’re making a run for the border.
Why yes, that is a poop joke. They couldn’t even write a funny poop joke!
#2. Felipe (Eugenio Derbez): This is my friend, Jill. That’s my father, my mama, my brother Juan, my other brother Juan, Juan Jr., my sister Juanita, my grandmother Juangelina, and that’s…I keeding.
Jill: I was going say, that’s a lot of Juan's!
Felipe: They’re not all named Juan.
It’s not the vaguely racist overtones of this quote that bugs me; it’s that “the joke” happens, then Jill says, “I understand your joke and find it amusing!” and Felipe responds to her response with, “I am not going to explain the joke to you again!” Jack & Jill would be 69 (!lolz!) minutes long if they got rid of all the over-explaining.
#1. Office Worker (Tim Meadows): You never told me you had a twin sister. Identical or fraternal?
Todd (Nick Swardson): Nocturnal, like a bat.
That’s…that’s not a joke. I’ve read it dozens of times, said it to myself hundreds more, and it never makes a lick of sense. There’s even a Yahoo! Answers page dedicated to it. Is Swardson saying that Jill’s a vampire? Is he implying she’s a hooker who turns tricks at night? I have no idea, and I’m terrified to admit that I’ve spent so much time thinking about this line, only for the answer to be, “It’s because they all end in –al.”
Josh Kurp's favorite line from Chipwrecked came courtesy of David Cross: "He’s not your son, Dave. He’s just a chipmunk."