Splitsider

Thursday, February 23rd, 2012
Art

Stefon's Illustrated Guide to New York's Hottest Nightclubs

For the last four years, Stefon Zolesky, created by Bill Hader and John Mulaney, has been every SNL fan's favorite drugged-up club-hopper. Without his New York City party suggestions, we would never know about the glory of Furkles, Jewpids, human bathmats, Teddy Graham people, and Gizblow the Coked-Up Gremlin. Stefon made his first appearance not on Weekend Update, but in a sketch with host Ben Affleck, in which he and Hader played the Zolesky Brothers. Together, the siblings pitched coming-of-age movie ideas…with gay porn angles. A year and a half later on April 24, 2010, Stefon made his first appearance as Weekend Update's city correspondent, and the rest is history.

We love Stefon, which is why we asked very talented illustrator friends to draw up some of his hot spots. We gave our artists a transcript and clip of each sketch, and left them to do the rest. Sometimes they went literal, sometimes they focused on a single character, sometimes they tackled the whole scene, and some of them didn’t even know what SNL was before the assignment. But all of them delivered Stefon-inspired masterpieces, so consider this Splitsider's very first curated group show, Zolesky-style.

CREASE by Yker Moreno

Episode Date: April 24, 2010
If you’re looking for a good time, look no further: New York’s hottest club is Crease. Club promoter Tranny Oakley has gone all out, and inside it’s just everything: lights, psychos, Furbies, screaming babies in Mozart wigs, sunburnt drifters with soapsuds beards…It’s that thing where a hobo becomes a rich man, so they take the big bubble bath.

WESH by William Trebutien

Episode Date: April 24, 2010
New York’s hottest club is Wesh. Nine-year-old Tokyo pimp Ichiaku Guru is back with an all-new hot spot that answers the question What?!? This place has everything: trance, stilts, throw-up music, an albino that looks like Susan Powter, Teddy Graham people…It’s the thing, like when a guy has stumpy arms, but with the belly.

SLICE by Anne Calandre

Episode Date: May 15, 2010
If you want fun, then listen to this: New York’s hottest club is Slice. Club promoter Gay Liotta is back, and this time he’s gone crazy. Jump in and join a dance party where you’ll see twinks, gypsies, grown men in wedding dresses, a cat from a bodega, puppets in disguise…It’s that thing like when Alf wore a trench coat, so he could go out into public.

SLASH by Ann Seymour (Photo by Justin Lawes)

Episode Date: May 15, 2010
New York’s hottest club is Slash. This place has everything: glass, steam, bear traps, and just when you think the fun is over, knock knock who’s there? It’s Black George Washington! All that, and a party room filled with human bathmats…It’s that thing like when midgets have dreadlocks and they lay faced down on the floor.

TASTE by Chris Phillips

Episode Date: May 15, 2010
New York’s hottest club is Taste. Nightlife designer Tranny Griffith is back with an all-new club that answers the question Huh?!? Don’t look for a bouncer – there isn’t one. Instead the door’s guarded by ten jacked homeless guys in old-fashioned bathing suits. And inside it's just sick: ice sculptures, winos, Germufs – German smurfs – a Teddy Ruxpin wearing mascara, an old lady wearing Kid 'N Play hair, and none other than DJ Baby Bok Choy…He’s a giant 300-pound Chinese baby who wears tinted aviator glasses and he spins records with his little ravioli hands.

OUNCE by Danielle MacIndoe

Episode Date: December 11, 2010
New York’s hottest club is Ounce. Located in the middle of the East River, this place has everything: cholos, puke people, a sheepdog that looks like Bruce Vilanch, and an entire room of puppets doing karate…It’s that thing where someone calls Miss Piggy fat and she goes, “High ya!”

BLITZEN by Gareth O’Brien (Photo by Seth Ricart)

Episode Date: December 11, 2010
New York’s hottest holiday club is Blitzen, and right now they’re having their 12 Days of Christmas dance party. It has everything: 12 jacked albinos, 11 Little Richards, 10 piercer babies, 9 Asian Balkis, 8 gay Aladdins, 7 psychos swearing, 6 Puerto Screechers, 5 homeless Elmos. 4 coked up frogs, 3 French hens, Taylor Negron, and a human parking cone…It’s that thing were two jacked midgets paint themselves orange and you have to parallel park between them.

BOOOOOOOOOF by Matt Smithson

Episode Date: February 12, 2011
I have the perfect spot. New York’s hottest club is BOOOOOOOOOF. Located in an abandoned orphanage in the Lower East Side of Chelsea, this round-the-clock puke party is the creation of narcoleptic club owner Snoozan Lucci, and this place has everything: pugs, geezers, doo-wop groups, a wise old turtle that looks like Quincy Jones…and you’ll have your own When Harry Met Sally moment when you share a special kiss with Gizblow the Coked-Up Gremlin. I’ll have what she’s having.

UHHNNNH by Marz Jr.

Episode Date: May 7, 2011
If you want your mom to have a day filled with fun, look no further. New York’s hottest club is UHHNNNH. Located in the middle of the West Side Highway, this bi-curious beach party is the creation of Italian club owner Bologna Danza, and this place has everything: split kicks, pachucos, pile after pile of expired Lunchables, a Hawaiian cleaning lady that looks like Smokey Robinson…and look who just walked in, is that Natalie Portman? No, it’s an old Irish black man that we call Murphy Brown. Plus, if you come this Sunday you’ll meet two-year-old ultimate fighter Drooly Lips Jackson. He’s got fists like little empanadas and he is my best friend.

HEYYYYYY! by Daniel Oeffinger

Episode Date: December 10, 2011
If you're looking to get festive with your family, I've got the perfect place for you. New York's hottest club is Heyyyyyy! Built from the bucket list of a dying pervert, this Battery Park bitch parade is now managed by overweight game show host Fat Sajak. This place has everything: tweakers, skeevies, Spud Webb, a child, and a Russian guy who runs on the treadmill in a Cosby sweater. So come on down this weekend — the bouncer is a bulldog who looks like Wilford Brimley and the password is "diabeetus."

BAAAAAAA-BAANAM by Esther Werdiger

Episode Date: December 10, 2011
If you're ordinary or love salt, I've got just the spot for you. New York's hottest holiday club is BAAAAAAA-BAANAM. Opened and condemned in 1904, this seasonal psycho ward is the creation of Hanukkah cartoon character Menorah the Explorer, and this place has everything: Kiwis, Spud Webb, Clio Awards, some guy's mom, plus a special showing of the African holiday classic A Fish Called Kwanza. Look who just walked in — it’s a lady who works at CVS, but do not bother her because she is on break. And all the proceeds go to charity — flaccid outreach group Doctors Without Boners.

Megh Wright and Josh Kurp hope this feature does well enough that they can ask people to animate The Best of Hanukkah Harry.

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  • bennygulks

    This makes me so happy

  • http://twitter.com/joshung Joshua Ungerleider

    I didn't think reading Stefon's descriptions of nightclubs would be any fun, I was wrong.

  • Bill@twitter

    Wow. Thank you this was funny. I read them all in his voice. I had no idea about that original Zolesky sketch

  • http://livebythefoma.blogspot.com Pop Socket

    I love that Bill Hader is never able to make it through the entire bit with a straight (so to speak) face.

    • Jay Cathcart

      The guy that writes for Stefon "John Mulany" is my most favorite comeidian ever. They interviewd him a few months ago and asked about Stefon, he said that he always sticks stuff in there that they didnt rehearse. So when Bill is reading the cards he is seeing some of it for the first time. That's why he can never make it through. Mulany said the one he got him the best on was when he put Spud Webb in 2 of his speechs back to back. He said when he saw that Spud Webb was in the second one again he just lost it

  • naughtysneaky

    I don't watch SNL, so even though I had some idea of what the character was about, I didn't REALLY know…let's just say I wish I'd been drinking water while reading this. There would have been some fantastic spittakes.

  • http://www.worleygig.com Rezpect

    This was so worthwhile.

  • joeclark

    It’s Susan Powter. I won’t bother correcting your half-dozen other misspellings. U yung peeple just rite fonetikly.

  • Robin Occupy Milim@facebook

    Stefon is one of my favorites and I always look forward him on SNL. Hilarious!

  • James Michael Jobe@facebook

    Hilarious stuff !!! Weekend Update with Seth Meyers is the best part of SNL and Stefon is my favorite recurring sketch!!
    This past weeks extended kiss with Seth was the best!!
    Great to see it in this form with the hilarious illustrations too !!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003984324820 Iam Onasugarrusheatingrainbows

    XD WHUT ABOUT SPICEY!?!?!

  • Anonymous

    It's "If you're bordinary or love salt…" but this is still AMAZING

  • pwlsax

    "Throw-up music." I'm thinking Lawrence Welk gone speedmetal.

  • http://www.nightnyc.net/ nightnyc

    If you want to check out hot events in NYC http://www.nightnyc.net

  • Kristin Nicholson

    These are awesome! If you have any others that need illustrated I'd love to do one! http://bogportfolio.com/