Splitsider

Friday, February 3rd, 2012

The Ten Most-Hated Rotten Tomatoes 0% Comedies

There’s something special about having a 0% critics rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Like Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, for instance. What that 0% signifies is that Bucky Larson is worse than Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, The Jerky Boys, Norbit, every Katherine Heigl movie…In other words, Bucky Larson, why do you exist?

But among 0% Rotten Tomatoes movies, Bucky Larson isn’t even the worst. Its audience rating, made up of votes from people like you and me (a.k.a. schmucks – by the way, My Dinner with Schmucks has a 43% critics rating WHAT!?!?) is 29%. That’s not…awful. I mean, it’s definitely bad, but it's not the worst. Here are the 10 0% Rotten Tomatoes comedies with the lowest audience scores.

#10. Big Bully
Plot: Tom Arnold is the big bully to Rick Moranis' little twerp, from the time they knew each other in grade school to when they meet again 30 years later. Gene Siskel called it the worst movie he'd ever seen up to that point.

Sample Critic Review: "But once the movie has rekindled Roscoe's old fire and reduced David to a quivering heap, it hasn't the faintest idea where to go. Roscoe plays some unfunny slapstick pranks on David. Then the movie awkwardly lurches toward horror-movie territory, as Roscoe menaces David with a blowtorch, and the two engage in a life-and-death struggle above a waterfall." — Stephen Holden, NY Times

Sample Audience Review: "More like dumb bully." — Haley A.

Audience Rating: 23%

#9. Ed
Plot: Matt LeBlanc plays a hot-shot pitcher nicknamed Deuce who becomes FRIENDS with a monkey for some reason. The monkey probably does something with a banana and most assuredly mimics LeBlanc's facial expressions, because that's what monkeys do. He also plays baseball and at one point flips the bird to the opposing team, which is funny because the monkey thinks he's human.

Sample Critic Review: "Why LeBlanc gave up hiatus for the role is as mysterious as Hollywood. And, God forbid you forget for a minute that the actor is a cast member of That Certain Sitcom, there's a scene in which the cheesily animatronic chimp channel-surfs — and just happens to click onto a sitcom moment in which Rachel (a girl on Friends) interacts with Marcel (a monkey on Friends). What are the odds?!" — Lisa Schwarzbaum, Entertainment Weekly

Sample Audience Review: "haha the dumb guy from freinds and a chimp play ball. For some reason this chimp gave me the creeps. For real!" — mpghoul1973

Audience Rating: 23%

#8. Heartbeeps
Plot: Two robots, played by Andy Kaufman and Bernadette Peters, fall in love, and they "build" a "baby" named Phil. Jerry Garcia voices one of the robots, and Christopher Guest is in the movie, too. SO MANY does not compute BEEP BEEP BEEP jokes.

Sample Critic Review: "Heartbeeps is a three-minute television sketch stretched to last nearly 90 unbearable minutes and fitted out with enough futuristic hardware to stock a short trailer for a science-fiction film." — Vincent Canby, NY Times

Sample Audience Review: "omfg. what the hell was this. i didn't see the whole movie but i saw enough to confuse and anger me." — plasterjack

Audience Rating: 23%

#7. Swinging with the Finkels
Plot: *To be read in cheesy announcer voice* How far would you go to save your relationship? Would you…sleep with someone else? RECORD SCRATCH This year ago, come see what happens when two otherwise likable people, Martin Freeman and Mandy Moore, star in a movie about a couple who decide to become swingers to save their shitty marriage? Swinging with the Finkles – you won’t not hate yourself to see it. With Jerry Stiller!

Sample Critic Review: "Imagine the world's longest, lamest, and smuttiest episode of the redoubtable TV classic Love, American Style and you have only begun to conceptualize the mind and genital-numbing horror that is Swinging with the Finkels. — Peter Sobczynski, eFilmCritic

Sample Audience Review: "I had to give it half a star out of 5 because they don't do minus stars – unless you're a professor of physics and you understand the principles of anti-matter. Which frankly would make for a more entertaining film." — Pete P.

Audience Rating: 23%

#6. The Slugger’s Wife
Plot: Bet you can’t guess what those two “America’s favorite pastimes” are? Nope, it's not curling and helping those in need, but close. It’s: sex and baseball! Or maybe baseball and rock ‘n’ roll. Could be sex and rock ‘n’ roll, too. The movie – about a professional baseball player who falls head over cleats for a woman, which helps his game, until they break up – is a little ambiguous, but it does star Michael O’Keefe (baseball) and Rebecca De Mornay (rock ‘n’ roll) with a script written by Neil Simon. Yes, that Neil Simon. Randy Quaid (sex) is in there, too.

Sample Critic Review: "[Neil] Simon's not in a lighthearted mood, and so the silliness of the story gets bogged down in all sorts of gloomy neuroses, angry denunciations, and painful self-analysis." — Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun Times

Sample Audience Review: "not bad, but not great." — jds83210

Audience Rating: 22%

#5. Car 54, Where Are You?
Plot: There’s a car, 54, and it’s needed. (But seriously, movie titles phrased as questions are the WORST. For every Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, there are 73 Did You Hear About the Morgans?)

Sample Critic Review: "Let's make short work of this. Car 54, Where Are You? is a stupid movie. Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid. If you pay money to see it, then you're stupid. I got paid to see it, and I feel stupid." — David Mills, Washington Post

Sample Audience Review: "I was very upset when I saw this movie. It really mad me mad that they would waste good film and good time on this garbage. The script is horrible, the acting is horrifying and the director must have been insane! I sat throught the whole movie waiting for it to be over… and finally it was. That was the best part." — jjdt25

Audience Rating: 22%

#4. The Suburbans
Plot: Combine Jennifer Love Hewitt in her prime, Will Ferrell, JJ Abrams, Ben Stiller, Bridgette Wilson, Dick Clark, Kurt Loder, and A Flock of Seagulls in a movie, and what do you get? The Suburbans, about a one-hit-wonder group who tries to get the band back together. Interesting premise, terrible execution, and that Will Ferrell guy was never heard from again.

Sample Critic Review: "Jennifer Love Hewitt has reason to celebrate: By appearing in The Suburbans, a stunningly laugh-free comedy, she's already gotten her career-worst movie out of the way." — Doug Brod, Entertainment Weekly

Sample Audience Review: "MOST HILARIOUS MOVIE EVA! MUST SEE! BETTER THAN A BLOWJOB FROM YOUR BEST FRIENDS PARAPLEGIC MOTHER. LITERALLY!" — Andrew J.

Audience Rating: 21%

#3. Wired
Plot: I’m letting the Internet take care of this because I…just can’t, Vol. 1: “The story follows John Belushi [played by Michael “The Thing” Chiklis] shortly after dying from a drug overdose in early 1982, as he literally awakens in a morgue and is about to undergo an autopsy.” It’s the kind of movie some people like to say is an “underrated masterpiece,” but it’s not. Those people are wrong.

Sample Critic Review: "Perhaps the worst thing about Wired is that it is totally unfunny. Michael Chiklis works hard to bring the fat comic to life, but none of the routines work, and the samurai baseball-player sketch is embarrassing." — Time Out New York

Sample Audience Review: "suked! About 1 percent of the book was in the movie. The only good thing about the movie was that chicklis played a good belushi." — littledrummerboy30

Audience Rating: 21%

#2. Waltzing Anna
Plot: A doctor’s a dick and only in his profession for the money, until he meets a beautiful woman who teaches him there are more important things in life than $$$. THE END.

Sample Critic Review: "The movie is an IV drip of artery-clogging Lifetime movie-of-the-week goo. You'll know when the hero's heart has truly changed—he combs his hair." — Jim Ridley, Village Voice

Sample Audience Review: "Capelli was sort of hot in this film." — momatduke

Audience Rating: 20%

#1. Transylmania
Plot: I'm letting the Internet take care of this because I…just can't, Vol. 2: "Spoof horror in which a group of college kids do a semester abroad in Romania and realize that if the partying doesn't kill them, the vampires just might!" IT WAS WRITTEN BY A GUY NAMED WORM MILLER.

Sample Critic Review: "Transylmania is such a colossal comedic misfire that it makes the execrable Scary Movie films look like masterworks of Preston Sturges-esque genius by comparison. The business of competently executing a joke seems utterly beyond the grasp of directors David and Scott Hillenbrand and writers Patrick Casey and Worm Miller, who instead rely on gags so hoary and broad, they’d make Mel Brooks cringe." — Steven Hyden, AV Club

Sample Audience Review: “Ugh…this movie made me wish I was watching the Twilight movies as well as back at the Twilight panel in Comic-Con…geez I'm such a masochist for watching this crap!!! I give it ZERO STARS! I'd rather watch Skyline again!” – Ryan B.

Audience Rating: 18%

Josh Kurp would rather watch Skyline again.

  • James Rocker@twitter

    I caught The Suburbans for the first time the other day on TV and it was definitely painful to get through. I think I stuck it out just to see if it would get better. I was far too optimistic.

    That being said, I'm actually looking forward to catching Heartbeeps. It's one of those flicks that was always in my periphery but I'd never looked into it.

  • http://twitter.com/joshung Joshua Ungerleider

    Sad thing is, after reading this, I might actually rent Heartbleeps.

    And I sincerely hope "head over cleats" was on the marquis for The Slugger's Wife

  • Ava Adore

    As I was scrolling through the movies, I was so sure that I would see Clifford. Thankfully, I've only seen one of these movies (The Suburbans).

  • John D.

    No Ernest?

    • Joshua Kurp

      @John D. That's on the Ten Most-Beloved RT Comedies list.

  • soce wizard@twitter

    I actually kind of liked Big Bully. I think Tom Arnold is ultimately a good guy, even though he never became a massive Hollywood star.

  • fnumbers

    Awww weak! I love Heartbeeps. Of course, I have not seen it since I was quite young, so I really don't remember a lot about it, but I remember loving it.

  • Dekkoparsnip

    I feel I will go to my grave having do defend Bill Fishman's underappreciated Car 54. It's the most bearable Jeremy Piven performance, if nothing else.

    • Joshua Kurp

      @Dekkoparsnip That's the most mixed of compliments I've ever read.

  • DudebroDMB@Twitter

    I misread and thought you were saying that Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf was a bad movie, and I thought, simultaneously, "Me and this Joshua fella are not going to get along."

  • Kai@twitter

    It's funny because JLH went on to do Lifetime movies, meaning that "The Suburbans" may not have been her career worst.

  • Arthur Diner

    Wired is not a comedy. It's a fantasy Biopic about a fat comedian who dies full of drugs. While it's also not a good film by any stretch of the imagination, to have it on this list is just flat out ridiculous.

  • Keldon McFarland

    It's to bad that the Internet and Rotten Tomatoes wasn't around thirty, forty years ago because the truly awful films will have a time era bias (who would actually see some awful movie from circa 1970 to generate a significant audience vote base?) …which in that context, means films like Heart Beeps must be really, really bad to hold its own decades before the bad films were made post-Internet.
    The time bias of placing more modern films on this list dilutes the awfulness of the entire Mystery Science Theater 3000 catalog and the like. Only true bad movie aficionados would know about them.
    It also leaves out the utterly awful, unbearable, inexcusable movies which don't even merit a single review by an actual paid and published movie critic.

  • Keldon McFarland

    Check out the Rotten Tomatoes rating for Stranded, currently lower rated than all ten movies on this list. Stranded had a 0 rating and 13% audience rating.