Everybody is a comedian on Twitter, but only a select few are worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual who consistently makes us laugh.
Morgan Murphy has made you laugh, probably without you realizing it. She's a stand-up comedian that has written for Crank Yankers, Jimmy Kimmel Live, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and currently on 2 Broke Girls. If that isn't enough to convince you to follow @morgan_murphy on Twitter, consider the following:
Morgan knows how to fix airports.
Hey Burbank airport, I get what you're going for, but the last thing I wanna see before I board a plane is a giant photo of Amelia Earhart. She knows when the time is right to hit the bottle.
I only drink on days that end in the eternal search for purpose and the brutal examination of my societal worth. She sees the bright side to anorexia.
Anorexia is a terrible disease, but an incredibly flattering misdiagnosis. She's an expert on psychedelics.
Was Billy Crystal named after the drug you'd have to take in order to enjoy that? #tweetroast Murphy is ready for all of the potential benefits of the future.
I bought an electric cigarette today. I don't smoke, I've just always wanted to blow a robot. She owns books!
Just set my TiVo to record the "Gary Busey/Ted Haggard" Celebrity Wife Swap and now I'm pretty sure I can hear my books crying This was her response to New Jersey governor Chris Christie vetoing gay marriage:
hard to believe Chris Christie would be against any event where there's cake. She knows how to celebrate holidays.
When I was a kid, I had one of those nets you throw a baseball against and it bounces it back to you. Happy Fathers Day to that net. Her parents are just as wacky as yours.
Dad now warning me about who I shouldn't "have relations" with. I had no idea he knew the names of so many African countries. Still awkward. my mom just did her classic "start the conversation w/a review of Happy Feet 2, then segue into the 'incredible sex' she once had in Italy." She has great Tupac hologram jokes.
this whole hologram thing makes me really worried that one day someone could make it look like I actually went to Coachella. whoever shot Tupac is losing his fucking mind right now. Murphy writes puns that are properly recognized as great.
"This baby right here goes from zero to sixty in one minute flat!" - a seconds salesman Is it cute for grownups to talk in a baby voice? Asking for a fwend. Some are criminally underappreciated.
I wonder what Emeril's Legassi will be when he dies? She wrote the perfect #humblebrag.
She is aware of her own mortality.
I just found a gray eyebrow so if you ask me to marry you in the next three hours your odds are extremely good. She is a crusader.
Morgan figured out why Jeremy Lin is religious.
if I was an Asian guy dominating the NBA I'd believe in God too. And put Jack Kevorkian's legacy into perspective.
Jack Kevorkian: 130 assists. John Stockton: 15,806 assists. Don't see what the big deal is. She's well rested.
If I had a stalker I probably wouldn't turn them in cuz I'd be afraid they'd tell the cops how many naps I take. She will admit when she's wrong.
Okay, I actually found that dream water stuff very calming and now I have to go buy everything else I ever mocked. Truck Nutz, here I come! Murphy knows what not to name a dating website.
"Oh really, it's JUST lunch?" - Somalian child after hearing about the dating site It's Just Lunch. And best of all – Morgan Murphy promotes airlines in a unique fashion.
.@ has treated me so poorly, and with such disregard for my needs, I'm surprised I haven't already tried to have sex with it. Roger Cormier has made too many books cry.
