Splitsider

Friday, April 27th, 2012

Someone to Follow on a Friday: @morgan_murphy

Everybody is a comedian on Twitter, but only a select few are worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual who consistently makes us laugh.

Morgan Murphy has made you laugh, probably without you realizing it. She's a stand-up comedian that has written for Crank Yankers, Jimmy Kimmel Live, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and currently on 2 Broke Girls. If that isn't enough to convince you to follow @morgan_murphy on Twitter, consider the following:

Morgan knows how to fix airports.

Hey Burbank airport, I get what you're going for, but the last thing I wanna see before I board a plane is a giant photo of Amelia Earhart.
@morgan_murphy
Morgan Murphy

She knows when the time is right to hit the bottle.

I only drink on days that end in the eternal search for purpose and the brutal examination of my societal worth.
@morgan_murphy
Morgan Murphy

She sees the bright side to anorexia.

Anorexia is a terrible disease, but an incredibly flattering misdiagnosis.
@morgan_murphy
Morgan Murphy

She's an expert on psychedelics.

Was Billy Crystal named after the drug you'd have to take in order to enjoy that? #tweetroast
@morgan_murphy
Morgan Murphy

Murphy is ready for all of the potential benefits of the future.

I bought an electric cigarette today. I don't smoke, I've just always wanted to blow a robot.
@morgan_murphy
Morgan Murphy

She owns books!

Just set my TiVo to record the "Gary Busey/Ted Haggard" Celebrity Wife Swap and now I'm pretty sure I can hear my books crying
@morgan_murphy
Morgan Murphy

This was her response to New Jersey governor Chris Christie vetoing gay marriage:

hard to believe Chris Christie would be against any event where there's cake.
@morgan_murphy
Morgan Murphy

She knows how to celebrate holidays.

When I was a kid, I had one of those nets you throw a baseball against and it bounces it back to you. Happy Fathers Day to that net.
@morgan_murphy
Morgan Murphy

Her parents are just as wacky as yours.

Dad now warning me about who I shouldn't "have relations" with. I had no idea he knew the names of so many African countries. Still awkward.
@morgan_murphy
Morgan Murphy

my mom just did her classic "start the conversation w/a review of Happy Feet 2, then segue into the 'incredible sex' she once had in Italy."
@morgan_murphy
Morgan Murphy

She has great Tupac hologram jokes.

this whole hologram thing makes me really worried that one day someone could make it look like I actually went to Coachella.
@morgan_murphy
Morgan Murphy

whoever shot Tupac is losing his fucking mind right now.
@morgan_murphy
Morgan Murphy

Murphy writes puns that are properly recognized as great.


"This baby right here goes from zero to sixty in one minute flat!" - a seconds salesman
@morgan_murphy
Morgan Murphy

Is it cute for grownups to talk in a baby voice? Asking for a fwend.
@morgan_murphy
Morgan Murphy

Some are criminally underappreciated.

I wonder what Emeril's Legassi will be when he dies?
@morgan_murphy
Morgan Murphy

She wrote the perfect #humblebrag.

She is aware of her own mortality.

I just found a gray eyebrow so if you ask me to marry you in the next three hours your odds are extremely good.
@morgan_murphy
Morgan Murphy

She is a crusader.

I won't stop marching till Arli$$ changes his name to Arliss. #OccupyWuhlStreet
@morgan_murphy
Morgan Murphy

Morgan figured out why Jeremy Lin is religious.

if I was an Asian guy dominating the NBA I'd believe in God too.
@morgan_murphy
Morgan Murphy

And put Jack Kevorkian's legacy into perspective.

Jack Kevorkian: 130 assists. John Stockton: 15,806 assists. Don't see what the big deal is.
@morgan_murphy
Morgan Murphy

She's well rested.

If I had a stalker I probably wouldn't turn them in cuz I'd be afraid they'd tell the cops how many naps I take.
@morgan_murphy
Morgan Murphy

She will admit when she's wrong.

Okay, I actually found that dream water stuff very calming and now I have to go buy everything else I ever mocked. Truck Nutz, here I come!
@morgan_murphy
Morgan Murphy

Murphy knows what not to name a dating website.

"Oh really, it's JUST lunch?" - Somalian child after hearing about the dating site It's Just Lunch.
@morgan_murphy
Morgan Murphy

And best of all – Morgan Murphy promotes airlines in a unique fashion.

.@ has treated me so poorly, and with such disregard for my needs, I'm surprised I haven't already tried to have sex with it.
@morgan_murphy
Morgan Murphy

Roger Cormier has made too many books cry.

  • http://www.twitter.com/pablogoldstein Pablo Goldstein

    I like the idea of this feature and Morgan Murphy is someone I follow, but might I suggest that in the future it showcases people who don't have tens of thousands of followers.

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/74MKQHODMT2F3GJOOKKWLLEJXI blackc

    Maaan, F*ck Morgan Murphy and any other comedian on Twitter. Why should we follow them when they already have thousands of followers? Their tweets are not even funny. All they do is insult people and respond to only people in their little comedy cliques. It's all a bunch of BS. 

  • dave_cerrita

    I agree with Pablo.  I'm a big 

  • http://twitter.com/eliyudin Eli Yudin

    I love Morgan Murphy and think she's hilarious, but I'm on Pablo's side.  You guys have a decent amount of power to use here, and not only because she has a ton of followers, but because a lot of people who read Splitsider probably already follow her, I think this could be better used on people who aren't as well known.

    You might say this just coming from someone who's bitter and wants more followers to raise their own self-esteem, and you would be right.  Very right.  But I think it's still a valid point.