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Monday, April 23rd, 2012

Poland Springs: It’s Poison!, by Daniel McGillivray

Dear Valued Customer,

I’m Chet Ricker, senior marketing director for the Poland Springs Bottling Company. Almost 200 years ago my ancestors took a simple idea – Maine’s most delicious water – and turned it into a local business. Boy, we sure have grown since then. We’re now a proud member of the Nestle Waters North America family (a division of Graypool Industrial ChemCorp), but I still think about those early days every time I pick up another bottle of Poland Springs.

Our Heritage is the reason I was so concerned last month when I heard that every single one of our aquifers began producing streams of deadly, deadly poison.

First, let me thank you for all of your concerned letters and the public outcries of support. That spirit of hope and understanding really resonates with all of us at Poland Springs/Graypool Industrial. Knowing that we have the support of unflinching customers means more to us now than ever.

Second, don’t waste your time worrying about Poland Springs. Consider this letter official notice that we’re not going anywhere. I’m writing today to tell you about our new line of Poland Springs Poison.

I know what you’re thinking "Water to poison? Really?" Yes, after six generations of tradition and trust, we’re sure that Poland Springs is bigger than water. It’s poison too.

As smooth and clear as the beverage we once produced, Poland Springs Poison combines the brand you know and love with the strength of natural and chemical toxins. In fact, after the poisonous elements like botulinum, mercury, strychnine, cyanide, and tetrodotoxin found in every bottle, water is the main ingredient. That's real poison, straight from the source.

And I hear you. You out there saying, "Gee, Chet – Aren’t you playing a dangerous game?" But when it comes to you, our loyal consumers, it’s never a game. We don’t want there to be any confusion about our brand. Let me assure you that Poland Springs Poison will be available in all the packaging you’ve come to recognize and appreciate.

It was a big day when we first decided to start bottling the poison. Our development team knew that any poison made by Poland Springs needed to be as easy to use as our water once was when it was drinkable. Of course we’ll be selling our award-winning 20 ounce eco-shape bottles, but you’ll also find poison in 1.5 liter bottles with flip-top caps. Need more poison for the home or office? Count on us for poison in one-, three-, and five-gallon jugs. And take poison with you anywhere in a 24-ounce sport pack.

We’re still about simplicity. The next time you go to the store you’ll find a wide selection of Poland Springs Poisons and poison-related accessories like protective gloves and masks. All conveniently located right where you left us – in the bottled water aisle. Find a cool mountain stream on the label and you’ll know you’ve found our poison.

"Okay, I get that all of your water was poisoned and now you only have poison, so why not sell poison I guess, but… come on man.” Hahaha, you again, eh?! We've made some big changes, but we still take pride in the product and it shows.

As I write this, the last bottle of drinkable water ever produced by the Poland Springs is sitting on my desk – I’ll be using it to water my ferns. Good riddance! We don’t need it. I know if you try Poland Springs Poison – and by try I mean kill something with; do not drink – you’ll be as satisfied with our poison as you were with our water. Or your money back.

Poland Springs is excited to have gone from making a refreshing product to being a national player in the bottled water market, and onward into the world’s largest non-government affiliated poison producer. That’s a lot to be proud of. From where I sit though our biggest accomplishment was doing all that without abandoning my great-grandfather’s legacy.

So from the family here at Poland Springs Poison to you and yours, thank you.
~ Chet

Dan McGillivray is a writer and comedian living in Brooklyn and working throughout the city. He's on twitter as @danmcgillivray.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit to it, send an email to Becca O'Neal.

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  • Ian Abramson@facebook

    I love how well these are always edited.

  • Charles Martel

    ASSHOLE