Splitsider

Wednesday, April 18th, 2012

The Mystery of the Unproduced "Mr. Peepers" Script

Yesterday, SF Weekly received a book in a manila envelope with an anonymous note that read, "I found this at City Lights." The book was entitled Peepers, a canticle and was supposedly written by C.L. Kattan, as in Chris Kattan. Commenters to the article said they also saw copies in San Francisco's Green Apple bookstore and Los Angeles's Time Travel Mart.

The book contains a script for an unproduced Mr. Peepers movie, which can also be found online here. The preface explains that the script was finished on September 10th, 2001 but never came to be as the nation was not ready for its heavy satirical content.

Here are two excerpts:

EVE
May I ask your name?

MR. PEEPERS
Bah!

EVE
Pardon me, was that Mr. Bahb?

MR. PEEPERS
(still indistinct)
Bah!

EVE
Oh… Mr. Bob Bahb…as in Robert Bahb? You're not related to Barry and Moochelle Bahb are you?

And then later:

ELEAZAR
Mr. President, I'd like you to meet my dear friend, Mr. Robert Bahb.

PRESIDENT BUSH
My. Bahb, my pleasure.

MR. PEEPERS
(licking Bush's Face)
Bah!

ELEAZAR
(smiling)
You will find that my house guest does not bandy words, Mr. President.

The President gives Peepers a look, then laughs.

PRESIDENT BUSH
Well, Mr. Bahb, that's just fine with me – I'm a man that appreciates a frank discussion… Be Seated, please, Mr. Bahb…

MR. PEEPERS
(perching on a stool)
Bah!

The screenplay is most definitely a hoax as it's basically a beat-by-beat retelling of the classic Peter Sellers film Being There. It was supposedly published by the undoubtedly fake Durrod University. There are two names other than Kattan's noted in the book: Justin Becker Sr. who wrote the preface, translated it from its "original French," and is now "deceased" due to "balls cancer" and Amy Fortunato who is credited for "Book Design." We looked into it and Fortunato is an artist living in Los Angeles! We reached out to Kattan and Fortunato and have yet to hear back from either.

We will risk our lives to get to the bottom of this conspiracy. Oh wait! Durrod University is an anagram from President Barack Husain Obama. It goes all the way to the top! Save yourselves!

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Tags:

chris kattan, snl, tv

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jason-Nafziger/1625377858 Jason Nafziger

    This might be the funniest thing Kattan has ever done.

  • Rishabh Bablani@twitter

    President Bah!rack OBah!ma?