Splitsider

Monday, April 30th, 2012

The One Where I Watched the 'Friends' Porn Parody (NSFW)

The Friends XXX Parody begins with what I can only describe as an Emmy-worthy parody of the famous Friends theme song, featuring such lyrics as “these friends go all the way” and “these friends love to screw.” I would have found it a little on-the-nose if I wasn’t busy adding it to my Party playlist. Unfortunately, this song may very well be the best part of the film.

We first meet our 6 protagonists in Canoga Perk, the Los Angeles version of Central Perk that makes considerably less sense. Here, we learn that “Russ’s” wife Carol has cheated on him with another woman (season 1), “Moanica” and “Sandler” are getting married (season 7), and a couple of lesbians kiss for no reason (season never). Sandler (Anthony Rosano) tells Moanica he has something to show her back at his apartment, and I’ll give you zero guesses what that something is!

Yup, it’s his penis! And lucky for us, Anthony Rosano chooses to do a giddy Chandler impression the minute he’s naked, leading to an unfortunate moment where his bing (yup) just kinda whacks back and forth across his thighs. Aka the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen. Sandler and Moanica start going at it on, where else, one of the two leather recliners, which immediately looks like the least comfortable place to have sex. That is, of course, until fifteen minutes later when they’re doing it on the foosball table.

Despite that, Moanica lives up to her name, and Sandler is a pro. My one complaint with this scene is the ratio of BJ time (3:37) to VJ time (:19). And yes, I did the math on that. I know porn isn’t really for girls, but this girl has certainly seen a lot of it, and this girl would appreciate a slightly more even ratio, thank you.

From here we head back to Canoga Perk, where “Freebie” (solid) accidentally mentions a secret bachelorette party that the girls are having for Moanica, despite the fact that Moanica told Sandler he couldn’t have a bachelor party. (A very specific plot from Season 8, Episode 8 ) An indignant “Joe” and Russ decide to throw Sandler a party.

Quick sidenote: I should mention that the porn actors who play Joe, Freebie and “Rachelle” actually do look strangely like their TV counterparts. In a bizarro, funhouse mirror kinda way.

And then, apropos of nothing, we get this exchange:

Joe: So Freebie, do you have time to fuck me first?

Freebie: I think I can fit you in.

If that last line was an intended double entendre (or even if it wasn’t), it’s perfect. So yeah, Joe and Freebie head back to Moanica and Rachelle’s apartment to have sex. Which, for all none of you keeping track, is another great set by New Sensations.

The scene starts out slow when immediately Freebie somehow gets her bra caught in her earring, which actually sounds like a real Phoebe storyline.

Luckily Rocco Reed (Joe) is unshaken and heads straight to the lady-pleasing department. Consider my ratio comment revoked. The rest of the scene is okay. I love director Lee Roy Myers, but some of the angles are kind of terrible. Who wants to watch POV: The Guy’s Knee porn?

Also, you know it’s getting boring when I’m like “oh cool, she has those gel nails that last longer than normal polish.” I shouldn’t be looking at her nails! Sigh.

If at this point you’re wondering “wait, what’s going on with Russ?”, congratulations, you could write pornography! We head to Canoga Perk, where Russ has been sitting, by himself, I guess not invited to his best friend’s bachelor party? Luckily for him, Carol and Sandra (his ex-wife and her lesbian lover) show up and surprise! They want to have a three-way. Because sure.

This three-way is decent, although the girls barely interact with each other, which seems kind of un-three-way-y (the most popular of the quadruple hyphenates). The scene is made considerably better when Lee Roy Myers manages to completely frame out Russ’s face. From the neck down he’s an impressive male specimen with a monster dong. From the neck up he’s been kicked in the head by a horse. But hey, he’s having sex with two women, so fuck me, right?

Next we head back to Joe and Sandler’s apartment, where they flip open their recliners in unison to watch — a James Deen porn?!

Hooray! Just when I thought my true love wasn’t going to make an appearance, there he is! At this point I was hoping for a good ol’ Lee Roy Myers jump-into-the-TV non-sequitur scene, but no such luck. What we get instead is a meta-scene where Joe and Sandler talk about porn/compliment the size of James Deen’s junk (“There’s no way that’s gonna fit in there.”) It’s like I wrote this scene!

Meanwhile, in Rachelle and Moanica’s apartment, Freebie reveals that the stripper she hired is none other than Naked Guy from across the street. Enter Naked Guy, who is played by none other than Evan Stone! (previously McBain, Porn Nazi, Venkman) He agrees to strip as long as he can videotape it, and immediately performs what I can honestly say is one of the funniest stripper routines I’ve ever seen.

The girls usher Evan Stone into the back bedroom while they decide what to do with him. Porn suspense!

Double meanwhile, Sandler and Joe are in the midst of Sandler’s bachelor party, where Sandler immediately gets so drunk he has to go to the bathroom and puke. Just in time for the stripper to arrive, who Joe helpfully refers to as…Russ’ mom? What? I mean, I know on the show she’s kind of a MILF, but what? No time for questions though, because Joe and Mrs. Geller start going at it while the sneak-up music from a heist movie plays. It’s okay. Russ’ mom looks a little bit like Cheri Oteri, if Cheri Oteri was a freak and had her crotch pierced.

From there we cut back to the bachelorette party, where after hours of exhaustive, point-counterpoint debate, the girls have decided to have sex with Evan Stone. Exciting! My first parody porn four-gy! I should get an ornament for this to hang on my “weird” tree.

Okay. Now, I don’t know how most four-gys play out, but holy crap. These girls are like rabid dogs fighting over an (admittedly huge) hunk of meat. Like a bunch of sex aliens who can only breathe when attached to a veiny breathing tube. It’s ridiculous! Also, Freebie forgets to take off her bachelorette party penis antennae, so that’s a nice, sparkly, boingy touch.

That being said, parts of this 30 minute scene (not exaggerating) are pretty good. Evan Stone is literally a prone sex doll for 90% of it, until towards the end when he mounts Rachelle on the kitchen table and humps her like an animal. She is the chosen one! All hail Rachelle! She has been humped by the King of Wangs!

And that brings us to the last scene! The whole gang is hanging out at Moanica and Rachelle’s apartment talking about Moanica and Sandler’s wedding (it’s still on!). Then Sandler asks “what’s this?” about something on top of the fridge, the girls all shout “no!”, and we end on a typical Friends freeze frame. Which was helpful, because I had no idea what they were pointing at. Turns out, it was the camera Evan Stone had brought with him, which ended up taping the whole four-gy! A pretty clever ending, actually. And we’re out.

All in all, this was not one of my favorite porn parodies. A lot of the angles were too intense, and the performances, save a couple, were pretty uninspired. Luckily, the website description of Sandler makes up for any and every shortcoming of the film: “Sandler: Could he be any more hung?” Five stars.

Sarah Schneider writes for Saturday Night Live. She enjoys comedy and porn, not necessarily in that order (in that order).

  • Jon O

    OH JEEZ this installment looks substantially more NSFW than the others

  • yin

    the Porn Parody Posts (PPP) are some of my favorite posts on splitsider. especially appreciate the mspaint in this one

  • NoPantsMcLane

    Yay. Finally it's back. So hilarious.

  • Gene

    "un-three-way-y" is a triple, not quadruple, hyphenate.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Goto-Tengo/100002594966860 Goto Tengo

      No, it is a triple hyphenate. *sigh* As usual, in a porno, I have the non-sex role of lexical nazi.

      The number refers not to the amount of hyphens, but the number of hyphenated items. The infamous writer-director-actor of moviedom, your Woody Allens, Ben Afflecks, and Orson Welleseseseses, is known as a triple hyphenate.