Splitsider

Monday, May 21st, 2012

Crossing the River Styx with Your Host Ryan Seacrest, by Robert Hershorn

Welcome back! Okay guys, the final hour of coverage underway, comin’ to you live from within the brackish mire! We’ve been getting the scoop from the swarms of cast-off souls assuming their quest to the great unseen, and we are here now with Angelos Constantinou, Angelos, you succumbed to acute lymphoblastic leukemia, but I have to say, you are positively glowing, what is the secret?

…okay, he’s a little dazed, but hey, that’s all right! You know, this is his first trip to the realm of Hades and a lot of times with these rookies on the big night, they get a little nervous, but we’ll let him slide this time!

Okay, now, the music you can probably hear behind me, is, you guessed it, Krzysztof Penderecki’s Polymorphia, and it’s being piped in…well, we’re not really sure where it’s coming from at this point, since we’re surrounded on all sides by jagged cliffs, tendrils of ragged grass and reeds, and waters blacker than any howling abyss certainly than I’ve ever seen, but, I can tell you, the crews at these events are real pros, so, a safe bet that they worked a little magic to bring us the tunes tonight!

Okay, here now with, oh my, what a treat, it’s the one and only Karissa Vasiliou of Agrinio! Karissa, you were a software engineer, and not a lot of people know this about you but you actually fell into a combine harvester to get here tonight! Now, I heard that this dress and the jewelry you have on are family heirlooms, what’s the story?

Oh, watch out Karissa!  Oh, whoops!  She got me!  Ha ha, ho boy, you know, I’ve been covering this event for a while now, and I can honestly say, you never expect the loose discharge to just come streaming out like that!  Oh man, you know, I don’t think a lot of people realize that there’s a lot of work that goes into prepping our guests for their big night, and sometimes it doesn’t come off exactly like it should, and I think what you all at home saw was the result of some of Karissa’s intestinal ligature just sort of…falling away.  Anyway, long story short, your old pal Ryan ended up with a little “mud on his face,” but, hey, nothing we haven’t seen before, obviously Karissa’s fine and is set to board the dark and awesome vessel that will speed her irretrievably to the vortices of the damned!

Speaking of which! It’s time for us to go live to the E! News BoatCam, where the delightful Melana Scantlin is cruising along with some of the pitiable creatures juddering their way toward perdition! Melana, what’s the buzz, who do they think is headed for the Isles of the Blessed, and who’s getting the walking papers to Tartarus?

Melana, you there? Okay, we’re pretty sure… yes, it looks as though Melana has been entirely devoured at this point by the accursed wretches eager to absorb any living flesh that they can possibly jam through their gaping maws! You know, a lot of them are confused and maybe even a little flustered; they’re not really prepared for the rush of excitement that comes with the Reaping. Now we told Melana a thousand times just to not engage them more than she absolutely had to and that if she stood reasonably still they’d probably just ignore her, but, you know, she just didn’t listen, so, we’ll bid her bon voyage and wish her all the best.

Okay, now, I hope I’m not getting myself worked up over nothing, but, I feel a bit of a chill in the air and a lot of the screams are becoming louder and more piercing, so in just a minute here we may get a peek at…yes, here he is now, the ferryman of Hades himself, it’s Charon! Charon, could we have a moment? I am loving the blackened rags, and I know I should stay mum here, but a little birdie told me these are John Varvatos! So, some privileged information there!

Charon, obviously you look fantastic. Now, does ferrying the loathsome into the hell-sphere still do it for you after, you know, having been at it for ten thousand years? Because, you know, I was talking to Sandy Bullock, and most of the time she’s just a rock star, but she was saying sometimes there are days when it’s all just too much. Oh, okay, well, case in point, he’s got to get going, of course the Son of Nyx is a busy man, so, good luck out there tonight! Charon, everybody! Wow, a man of few words, but hey, you gotta love those mysterious types!

Robert Hershorn is a news wire writer and reporter in the Washington, D.C. area.  He also writes film reviews for Tiny Mix Tapes and short pieces on Das Vidanya, and has an underachieving Twitter presence.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit to it, send an email to Becca O'Neal.

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