Splitsider

Friday, May 25th, 2012

Follow Friday: @DamienFahey

Everybody is a comedian on Twitter, but only a select few are worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual who consistently makes us laugh. You're welcome.

(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets.)

You know Damien Fahey as the dude who hosted TRL after Carson Daly left.

Just did my interview for the TRL documentary. Although, I spent half of the interview explaining that I'm not Carson Daly. :(
@DamienFahey
Damien Fahey

But after years of having to pretend to care about Taylor Swift, @DamienFahey has entered adulthood writing for someecards.com and consistently banging out funny tweets, making himself a regular on the daily WitStream Top Tweets of the Day.

He's also an unofficial copy editor for Mitt Romney.

Mitt Romney says corporations have the same legal rights as people. Well, except gay corporations.
@DamienFahey
Damien Fahey

Fahey has known a lot of eccentric characters.

"He once placed his crotch in front of a microwave for hours hoping his penis would get super powers. Yeah, that was Rick." (weird eulogies)
@DamienFahey
Damien Fahey

Damien does not tolerate your subtle intolerance.

If you've ever written an uppercase "L", you've drawn 1/4 of a swastika. Way to go, racist!
@DamienFahey
Damien Fahey


The man is frugal.

It's bad enough that my child is missing, I don't need this Kinko's salesman judging me for not paying extra for color flyers.
@DamienFahey
Damien Fahey

He watches movies so you don't have to.

"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" - Script for Battleship
@DamienFahey
Damien Fahey

Damien ruined/enhanced "Within You Without You".

Sitars sound like horny guitars.
@DamienFahey
Damien Fahey

Fahey thinks potheads don't talk about Canada.

A great drug test would be taking someone's phone, spelling 'Toronto' and seeing if it gets auto-corrected to 'Tostitos'.
@DamienFahey
Damien Fahey

This was his George Zimmerman tweet:

George Zimmerman's whereabouts are unknown. Officials urge anyone who sees him to dial 911 46 times over the course of the next 8 years.
@DamienFahey
Damien Fahey

He can't be trusted at Trader Joe's.

My favorite thing to do is get on the PA system at Trader Joe's and announce they cancelled Coachella.
@DamienFahey
Damien Fahey

He orders things that aren't on the menu.

When a waitress says, "Let me know if you need anything else." I gaze into her eyes and say, "Just someone who will listen."
@DamienFahey
Damien Fahey

Being banned from Trader Joe's and diners has made Fahey very protective of any food he can acquire.

If someone steals my lunch from the fridge at work, I get on the office PA system and do the Liam Neeson speech from Taken.
@DamienFahey
Damien Fahey

Fahey appreciates specificity in his music.

It's nice that ZZ Top lets us know right off the bat the girl they're singing about in "Legs" isn't a paraplegic.
@DamienFahey
Damien Fahey

Damien can see into the parallel universe where Peter Scolari is a two-time Oscar winner.

If Tom Hanks never made it as an actor, he would've been the shtickiest TGI Friday's waiter ever. #Oscars
@DamienFahey
Damien Fahey

Bon Jovi.

"I wish I was never born!" -Jesus after hearing any Bon Jovi Christmas song
@DamienFahey
Damien Fahey

He needs a hug.

I just ate a pint of Ben and Jerry's like there was the first hug in 27 years from my father at the bottom of it.
@DamienFahey
Damien Fahey

Damien speaks in riddles.

Now that the new iPhone comes with a built-in personal assistant, how will Naomi Campbell throw her phone at it?
@DamienFahey
Damien Fahey

Fahey is patriotic.

Happy Birthday America! (Tweet Made in China)
@DamienFahey
Damien Fahey

Roger Cormier gave up trying to learn the sitar.

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