Everybody is a comedian on Twitter, but only a select few are worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual who consistently makes us laugh.
(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets.)
Nobody has won Jeopardy! more times in a row (74) or made as much coin from the program ($3,172,700) than @KenJennings, so it's safe to say he is much smarter than you. Unfortunately he may also be funnier, if his tweets are any indication. Here's something else that's interesting about Ken Jennings: He hates me.
When Hurricane Irene was about to hit New York last August, Jennings from his comfortable home in the Pacific Northwest tweeted this:
Worse than hurricanes: people from the Northeast have to talk in an accent where "pawn shop" sounds just like "porn shop." Awkward. I was a bit annoyed.
@ Yeah that's a lot worse than a hurricane... I was actually being sarcastic, which Ken did not pick up on.
@ Shouldn't someone like you always be saying "yay" to sarcasm? A month later, on September 23rd, I had the pleasure to correct the all-time Jeopardy! champion on something, and zing him while doing it. (One of the happiest moments of my entire life.)
It's tomorrow genius RT @ Nirvana's Nevermind turns 20 today. He put me in my place, however.
@ Fixed, definite nongenius. After being told that it wasn't a good idea to troll one of the very few people in the world that can teach himself telekinesis and will all kitchen utensils from 3,000 miles away to attack me, I never bothered Ken Jennings again. It was probably a coincidence, but not soon after Jennings stepped up his game, spewing out 8-10 twitticisms a day, eventually being as reliably funny as some seasoned comedians. Occasionally he'd make fun of his own specific celebrity.
I think this cop recognized me...after I did the walk-and-turn test, he wanted me to name all the vice presidents in order. Jennings had an idea for an urban Game of Thrones spinoff.
"WINTER IS COMING, ELIZABETH!" --Redd Foxx on Game of Thrones last week unless that was just a dream I had? Ken recognized what we were missing from our lives before the Black Eyed Peas came along.
Future historians will refer to the 1990s--after the Duchess of York but before the Black-Eyed Peas--as "the great Fergie gap." He ruined silly putty forever.
"So what fun color should this new 'silly' putty be? Red? Blue?" SEX PERVERT TOY ENGINEER: "Uh, flesh-colored?" "OK, flesh-colored it is!" Jennings can't help himself sometimes and loves to drop crazy knowledge on us dumb peons.
DID YOU KNOW? For statues of generals on horseback, the # of hooves in the air represents the # of times the general had sex with the horse. Ken's mind isn't always in the gutter. Sometimes he relaxes and plays video games with his children.
My kids think a turtle's shell is called a "dammitdammitshit" now thank you very much Mario Kart He values life.
I hear the "sad" version of the 1980s Entertainment Tonight outro theme every time one of my son's fish dies. Jennings proves that writing checks is not only still a thing, it can be fun!
"Aha! It's the waggish gentleman who always writes 'Sexual favors' in the memo line of his checks! Delightful!" --my utility company, I bet Ken remembers one of the greatest pop songs ever written.
DID YOU KNOW? In Australia, an extremely complicated situation is called an "imbruglia." I would assume they would add a middle initial like they do in SAG, but Jennings noticed a potentially major problem.
If they grew up in the same house and shared a pet, siblings have the same porn name and I think that's just SICK. Jennings is a great dad.
I always bring my kids vacation souvenirs printed in Comic Sans, so they know I love them but not unconditionally. Ken should work for a political campaign.
Whenever I see Gingrich on the news, I feel like he should be licking a giant lollipop. He has a favorite sibling in the Brown family.
My cable TV menu says "Be My Valentine, C. Brown" is on later. That "C." better not be for "Chris." #TeamSnoopy Jennings thought Linsanity could have been timed better.
C'mon Jeremy Lin. During Black History Month? He would use a time machine wisely.
If I had a time machine, I'd go back to watch Oscar Mayer spell his name at Ellis Island, but no one would understand why I was laughing. Jennings is a genius, but that doesn't mean he knows everything.
Is there any way to tell the difference between the blind musicians who were blind from birth and the ones that just masturbated a lot? Ken isn't afraid to call out a hipster.
Don't judge a hipster until you've walked a mile in his--wait, dude, are you actually wearing moccasins? In January? What a douchebag. Ken Jennings is the author of three books. His most recent book is titled Maphead: Charting the Wide, Weird World of Geography Wonks.
Roger Cormier won the Mathematics award at his elementary school graduation, so that's something he guesses.
