Splitsider

Friday, May 4th, 2012

Follow Friday: @thejoshpatten

Everybody is a comedian on Twitter, but only a select few are worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual who consistently makes us laugh, and then display their funniest tweets. If you don't follow them after you finish reading, it's fortunate that we have nothing left to discuss.

Josh Patten (@thejoshpatten), as he explains on his Twitter bio, is a son, brother and performer at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York City. Patten was once under the improv tutelage of Zach Woods, who plays the lanky creep Gabe Lewis on The Office. Here's all you really need to know about the man:

Josh always tries to make new friends.

I overheard at the barbershop that who the fuck is this white dude.
@thejoshpatten
Josh Patten

Patten is the only one who truly understands what it means when the past makes a phone call.

1993 called, there's been a horrifying rift in the space-time continuum granting years the ability to speak.
@thejoshpatten
Josh Patten

He is not picky. Not anymore anyway.

Now accepting scrubs.
@thejoshpatten
Josh Patten

Your pet can earn his or her keep thanks to Josh's brutal honesty.

Dogs: still too stupid to pool their winnings for a single $10,000 buy-in at the World Series of Poker.
@thejoshpatten
Josh Patten

Patten remembers what Spanish class was like.

"Today i will go to the beach! Or the mountains! Or maybe the desert!" -- Paranoid Schizophrenics and Every Character from Spanish Textbooks
@thejoshpatten
Josh Patten

He is smart enough to have figured out why Jesus doesn't save everyone.

No use praying, because Jesus is probably too busy working out so he can carry all those dudes on the beach later on.
@thejoshpatten
Josh Patten

Patten is the Rob Gordon of Twitter.

Tones, from favorite to least favorite: Loc, of Tony! Toni! Tone! fame, Joe Pepi-, Dial, Def, Deaf.
@thejoshpatten
Josh Patten

Josh gave us another reason to hate Brett Favre.

Brett Favre represents the only hope I have of seeing an athlete smoke a cigarette on the sideline in my lifetime. YOUR MOVE, OLD MAN FAVRE.
@thejoshpatten
Josh Patten

He is an expert at inventing movies that feature Delroy Lindo for some completely understandable but still strange reason.

Pocket Protectors (R): Geometry nerds (Corey Haim, Corey Feldman) take down billiards legend Dakota Chunk (Delroy Lindo). Language, Nudity
@thejoshpatten
Josh Patten

Josh is also creative in the minstrel arts.

Picket Up!, my pro-union ska band, performing next to the giant rat outside CVS in 15 minutes.
@thejoshpatten
Josh Patten

Patten tries to keep it old school.

Chipotle has insulted its pre-Colombian Mesoamerican heritage by not accepting a promise of a roomful of silver as payment for this burrito
@thejoshpatten
Josh Patten

He's uncannily succinct in saying what most people do with their lives, particularly stand-up comedians.

I'm honoring the memory of those lost on the Titanic by chasing short term ego boosts over long term successes tonight and also every night.
@thejoshpatten
Josh Patten

And not even particularly to comedians.

Another exhausting day of shoehorning new information into preexisting opinions.
@thejoshpatten
Josh Patten

Josh is a one man DVD commentary.

Watch again. Ferris Bueller sang at a Nazi parade.
@thejoshpatten
Josh Patten

Patten isn't afraid of the stigma in shilling products.

Every box of Van de Kamp's® fish sticks contains a loaded revolver and a note reading simply "Look at yourself."
@thejoshpatten
Josh Patten

He understands that toast can be The Worst.

Angrily thought, "I don't have time for this shit!" while making toast. Over 400,000 Americans died in World War II.
@thejoshpatten
Josh Patten

Josh can't turn his comedy brain off, even when he really, really should.

Sending a fun goof to the boys down at the IRS by underlining my birth date on this year's 1040 and adding "I know. :(" in the margin.
@thejoshpatten
Josh Patten

Roger Cormier would never mess with a cat in space.

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