Splitsider

Tuesday, May 29th, 2012

Raised By Wolves, by Lauren Dowling

“You know, I’m cursed with morals. I was raised a certain way. I wish I wasn’t. I wish I was raised by wolves.”
— Carson Daly to Elle magazine

Dear Editor:

It is with the utmost reticence that I write to you today; however, as the leader of the wolf community, your recent issue has left me no recourse. Throughout history, the canis lupus community has shrouded its behavior in utmost secrecy, but I simply cannot allow Mr. Daly’s comments – or your careless publication of such slander – to go uncontested. Mr. Daly would have done well to be raised by wolves.

I wonder, did it ever occur to Mr. Daly – or to you, dear Editor – that Romulus and Remus, the founders of Rome, were raised by wolves? And they are but the beginning of our long list of storied alumni! I know this may come as a shock, but please allow me to elucidate.

Consider Plato. Would Plato have developed such an intimate understanding of the cave had he not been raised in one? I think not! Nor would naughty Einstein have maintained his propensity for wormholes had he not consistently dug at them as a child – always in detention, that one! And, of course, Derrida. His unfortunate scholars would endure such an easier time if they simply realized that all his works were written in our language!

But that is merely the tip of the feral iceberg, dear Editor. Our storied alumni include Nobel Laureates, Pulitzer Prize Winners, remarkable artists, and high-powered businessmen. In fact, eight U.S. Presidents were raised by wolves, although I must say that their behavior has been widely condemned by the canis lupus community. We hold ourselves to a pristine moral code, although I suppose even the most promising of individuals can be corrupted by the intense pressure and competition of the political arena. As we always warn our young, “Wolf is man to wolf.”

But I digress, dear Editor. I write to you not to brag of the sizeable accomplishments of our graduates but rather to insist that you cease your endless slander against our community! Take the “Big Bad Wolf,” for example. Must I necessarily remind you that wolves are not the ones with an obesity epidemic? And about Ralph E. Wolf! How dare Looney Tunes portray us as a less refined version of a coyote? We simply cannot abide your blatant speciesism; we look nothing alike. Not to mention the proliferation of sports teams. Rest assured, we could beat – or at least kill – all your ‘athletes’ who bear our name.

Furthermore, I must request that you use more delicate language when describing our society. We travel in coed intellectual teams that reflect a wide range of critical and educational specialties; not ‘packs.’ Also, we do not ‘howl’; we pontificate. And if you were to say ‘the wolf is at the door,’ I assure you we would only be visiting to discuss your thoughts on Kant’s categorical imperative. In short, we are not ‘beasts,’ as you would like to believe, but rather intellectually crucial parts of human development; although, you would know this had you read any essays on animal studies by our esteemed alumnus Claude Levi-Strauss.

I do hope that I have made my point, and that your esteemed publication will refrain from future attacks against our community. It would behoove you to know that 13% of Harvard’s incoming class was indeed raised by wolves; surprisingly, colleges are quite the suckers for the ‘raised by wolves’ essay.
And as for Mr. Daly, I have nothing further to say to him. He is but a sheep in wolves’ clothing.

Sincerely yours,
Professor Wilbur P. Wolf
Yellowstone National Park

Lauren Dowling is a recent Dartmouth grad living in Chicago, where she writes, studies improv, and cultivates a growing collection of potted plants.  She can be found on twitter @lkdowling and on tumblr at dowlingdoodles.tumblr.com.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit to it, send an email to Becca O'Neal.

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