Everybody is a comedian on Twitter, but only a select few are worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual who consistently makes us laugh. You're welcome.
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Jen Statsky (@JenStatsky) is currently a writer at Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. She's contributed to McSweeney's and had written for The Onion. She's also an auditory scientist:
No sadder sound than a human being repositioning themselves on an air mattress.
She thinks pens should get over themselves.
Hey, pens at the bank: cool it with the chains. You are literally last on my list of things I'd like to steal from a bank.
Statsky believes that men are getting the wrong idea about women thanks to porn.
The porn industry perpetuates such a negative portrayal of women -- always ordering all that pizza!
Jen isn't perfect. Sometimes she slurs.
I wouldn't say I'm an alcoholic. I'd slur it.
But not when she enjoys a beverage containing the juices of eight different vegetables.
Running out of vegetable juice is my V8nam.
She figures things out eventually.
is that a banana in your pocket or oh cool yeah good source of potassium.
Statsky knows the potential downside to a Sports Illustrated subscription.
Wonder if anyone's ever received news of a loved one dying while on a football phone.
Jen on the Trayvon Martin incident.
"Whoa, what the FUCK is going on?!" - Guy who forgot he had a Google Alert for hoodies.
She can hear God.
"If it's Margaret, I'm not here." - God.
And can do impressions.
"This is gonna be AMAAAAAAZING!" - guy about to get a blowjob from the editor of Cosmo.
Jen ruined Ace of Base's credibility.
You SAW the sign, THEN it opened up your eyes? I'm calling bullshit, Ace of Base.
She's had better diner visits than others.
Probably my least favorite part of that Abraham Lincoln theme restaurant was sitting in the John Wilkes booth.
Jen might be desperate.
I don't want to say I'm desperate, but I did just ask my coffeemaker if there's a "MRS. Coffee."
Don't invite her to your improv show.
My favorite thing to yell at an improv show when they ask for a suggestion is, "That thing we planned for you to do before the show!"
She is aware that more money leads to more problems.
Stranger bought me a lotto ticket in NYC deli. Hope I don't win cuz no amount of money is worth being played by Katherine Heigl in a romcom.
And that a lot of money can't solve a problem you've had since childhood.
You know how sometimes in a waiting room or something they call out your last name, then your first name? Must be weird for Dick Wolf.
Statsky knows the importance of family.
Sometimes, I wish I had siblings. Other times, I don't need to borrow money.
Jen is a popular tweeter, but she doesn't think she's popular enough.
My only goal in life is to become so famous that people can only retweet me ironically.
Roger Cormier has several pens, thanks to his bank.