Splitsider

Friday, June 15th, 2012

Follow Friday: @KellyOxford

Everybody is a comedian on Twitter, but only a select few are worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual who consistently makes us laugh. You're welcome.

(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets.)

Who is @KellyOxford? It's a question that has certainly been asked before.

Oxford is also a screenwriter and the author of the upcoming book, Everything Is Perfect When You're A Liar. She had been writing for years but achieved fame through her twitter feed, a series of dispatches from the mind of a mother of three from Calgary that doesn't suffer fools gladly, not even herself.

Yes. Justin Bieber also wrote "Baby" about me. RT @ Are you Don Drapers wife on Mad Men?
@kellyoxford
kelly oxford
I taught Will Smith how to dance. RT @ who the hell is @ ?
@kellyoxford
kelly oxford

She's been earning her mother of the year mugs.

Just saw my kid run into a screen door and fall; don't really need to see anything else today.
@kellyoxford
kelly oxford

But there is hope for her yet.

Two youngest kids are SO into LMFAO I'm not giving them dinner.
@kellyoxford
kelly oxford

Kelly enjoys takeout.

My fortune cookie said, "You were right, that wasn't beef." :(
@kellyoxford
kelly oxford

Oxford doesn't have the best memory.

I'd love a video montage of every single time I've walked into a room and forgotten why I'm in there.
@kellyoxford
kelly oxford

She doesn't quite understand Twitter.

How much longer do we have to tweet?
@kellyoxford
kelly oxford

But she can keep things in perspective.

Cool living in a world where I can watch a movie about people's mouths sewn to other people's assholes, but it's hard to get birth control.
@kellyoxford
kelly oxford

Kelly probably needs a maid.

When my house is this disorganized, my fantasy solution is arson.
@kellyoxford
kelly oxford

She is definitely lazy.

"Hmmm, what's the easiest way to do this?" -Me, about everything, all the time.
@kellyoxford
kelly oxford

Oxford is also a horrible liar.

My son is going to be really mad at me when he starts sex education class and finds out boners aren't allergic reactions.
@kellyoxford
kelly oxford

But she can't be that bad. She sort of hangs out with teenage heartthrobs.

Want to try something creepy right now? Turn off lights. Lay in bed. Turn on Kings of Leon. Shut your eyes. Robert Pattinson will appear.
@kellyoxford
kelly oxford

She also has access to Bradley Cooper.

The only people who look in the mirror and think, "Perfect!" are murderers and Bradley Cooper.
@kellyoxford
kelly oxford

But wants nothing to do with Steven Tyler.

Steven Tyler looks like a human dreamcatcher.
@kellyoxford
kelly oxford

Kelly is an amateur zoologist.

"I have a swimmer's body!" - Walruses
@kellyoxford
kelly oxford

Oxford has her own show!

Since everyone's promoting shows for tonight, I'd like to announce that my family will perform my failed NBC pilot in the Costco lot at 8pm.
@kellyoxford
kelly oxford

You have to appreciate the fact that she doesn't lie and say she's asking for a friend.

How do you get a red wine stain off a baby?
@kellyoxford
kelly oxford

Kelly knows how valuable children can be.

Want to know the worst thing about yourself?Hang out with a kid for an hour, then ask them.
@kellyoxford
kelly oxford

Oxford doesn't believe everything that she is told.

Don't believe what you read about Breitbart's death until they show us the long form death certificate.
@kellyoxford
kelly oxford

She spoils endings.

Web MD is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book where the ending is always cancer.
@kellyoxford
kelly oxford

Roger Cormier was the inspiration behind half of Bananarama's catalog.

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