Attention Friends and Loved Ones,
Caitlyn and I have been so wrapped up in pre-matrimony madness that, unfortunately, some small typos crept into our recent wedding invitations. We requested the honor of your presence on Friday, August 2nd, but as some eagle-eyed invitees have pointed out, Friday is actually the 3rd! Please re-mark your calendars!
Another small change, Caitlyn broke up with me so the event is no longer a wedding. Nor will Caitlyn be attending. But it is still happening!
You know how these things go. The printer rushes your invitations out the door before you have the chance to proofread every detail or decide as a couple if just a little bit of cheating counts as cheating. And now, because Caitlyn will never get to hear my heartfelt, handwritten vows, I can finally admit that I intended to plagiarize most of them from a POD lyrics website.
Yet another misprint: My middle name is spelled "Lewis" on the invitation. It should be "Louis." I'd like to apologize to my dead uncle Louis on Caitlyn's behalf for messing that one up. I guess you tell your fiancé even one time that her boss, Chandra, is surprisingly sex-worthy despite being 29 and all of a sudden she disgraces your namesake on your wedding invitation.
And I sincerely hope someone at the printer's office gets fired for this: "Soulmates" is TWO WORDS! And it doesn't apply to us at all!
Caitlyn and I really should have hired a copy editor to look over the invites first– my parents' address (former site of our friends and family luncheon) is listed as 301 Gedes St., but Geddes Street has two D's in it! And I should know, because I'm going to live there again in an attic I'm going to pretend is an apartment.
It's really no big whoop, but what IS a big whoop is that the address of our cancelled nuptials is printed all wrong on our invites! It lists the address of Tabernacle Lake Church as 1400 Briarcrest Canyon, which is accurate, but you should have been invited to Temple Beth Shalom Chevra Shas. Problem is, I ignored 6,000 years of tradition to get pre-marriage counseling from some jag- hole named Pastor Colby. Sit on it, Pastor Colby!
Also, the rehearsal dinner is no longer at the American Legion Hall. It's at Chugger O'Party's, and it's not on Friday night anymore–it's happening every night for the foreseeable future.
Here's another detail that slipped right by us–our invites say we're registered at CB2. This is technically correct, but I also set up a second, secret registry at SkyMall's website (Petey and Flapjack, if you dudes are reading this: Yes, mailing me the chartreuse Le Creuset dutch oven from our CB2 registry would be a killer prank. And I've totally got it coming for peeing in the brandy flask in
But get this–the wedding reception is still happening and just as the invite promised, it's at Dave & Buster's. If you know any girls who'd like to dig a guy out of a boning rut, I still have the Passion Room at the Syracuse Hyatt reserved and I cannot get my money back.
Sam Weiner is a writer and performer in Los Angeles. He makes videos with his sketch group Sad On Vacation and sometimes he Twitters.
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