Everybody is a comedian on Twitter, but only a select few are worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual who consistently makes us laugh. You're welcome.
(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)
Two months ago, entertainment reporter Chris Serico revealed on his tumblr that he was the man behind the popular twitter account @Every Tweet Ever, which is “pretty much every tweet you've already seen and will ever see." It's a constant reminder of how derivative most tweets are, despite the fact that Twitter has only been around for five years (and only popular for three.) It's also an indictment on how unoriginal most of us human beings are, which is what makes it so funny (and hurtful). We are all @EveryTweet_Ever.
We live in a world full of pain.
Half of us have attributed this quote to Abraham Lincoln.
"When life gets tough, throw a sappy, trite inspirational quote on Twitter. It'll solve nothing but, hey, attention!" -@
We haven't slept in over a decade.
I want to sleep, but Internet.
But we want everyone to think otherwise.
ANNOUNCING MY BEDTIME TO THE ENTIRE WORLD
We may need some medication.
cry for help HAHA JUST KIDDING not kidding TOTALLY JOKING YOU GUYS so depressed right now HILARIOUS i don't even know anymore
We're all defensive.
HaTeRz goNNa CitE AcCuraCies ThAT hiT 2 cLoSe 2 hOmE
And want to seem in control when we're crying for help.
I am sad and need you to ask why.
We're all Star Wars nerds.
MAY THE FOURTH REFERENCE BE ENOUGH ALREADY
And Arrested Development fans.
We all have thoughts on a certain Miami Heat
LEBRON JAMES IS A PERSON AND HIS TEAM EXISTS
We all miss Ana Gasteyer.
SNL hasn't been funny since I developed my cliché attitude toward comedy.
Our exes aren't even on Twitter.
I miss someone who is just fine without me.
We all know that if a lot of people like something it is stupid.
[ANGER TOWARD POPULAR THINGS]
We want more followers.
Just an unrealistic number of followers away from an arbitrary milestone! Please follow! Validation only comes in round numbers on Twitter.
We're lonely on Friday nights.
Instead of just enjoying my Friday night, let me narrate it for you.
And Saturday nights.
Defensive explanation of what I'm doing on a Saturday night.
Some of us still use FourSquare apparently.
I just unlocked a "People Still Use This Thing?" badge on ugh.
We know that there's one band that writes lyrics just meant for us.
[Lyrics, because coming up with my own words is, like, hard and stuff]
We need to remind the world that we're still technically alive.
[didn't tweet today, because i was productive and/or depressed]
Joke about a dead celebrity! It's OK, because the people they leave behind don't have feelings or the Internet.
What the hell does this tweet mean?
Here's a link to some of the best tweets of the week, as determined by some guy.
Roger Cormier is a guy who insists on making an esoteric joke pertaining to the article instead of actually describing himself because internet.