Splitsider

Friday, July 6th, 2012

Follow Friday: @MikeDrucker

Everybody is a comedian on Twitter, but only a select few are worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual who consistently makes us laugh. You're welcome.

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Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) claims that he is a comedian, a contributor to The Onion and SNL, and lead writer for IGN's comedy video department. All of that is true, but who is Mike Drucker really?

He's someone who sees the value in myopia.

If you're upset about seeing a middle finger on TV, you're going to shit yourself when you see everything else going on in the world.
@MikeDrucker
Mike Drucker

Mike is okay with getting some self esteem help from unorthodox sources.

I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
@MikeDrucker
Mike Drucker

It's probably because his spirit animal isn't as "spirited' as it used to be.

Aw, man, my spirit animal just went extinct.
@MikeDrucker
Mike Drucker

Drucker can seriously use some positivity.

Seems like it's going to be "die trying" rather than "get rich."
@MikeDrucker
Mike Drucker

Mike knows what rich people have really been investing their time in.

After the Titanic sank, rich people got their revenge by spending the last hundred years melting all the icebergs.
@MikeDrucker
Mike Drucker

You're not going to see Drucker at Last Call anytime soon.

Carson Daly's homophobic? Oh man, he's going to freak out when he meets Carson Daly.
@MikeDrucker
Mike Drucker

Or to trivia night.

I've been asked to stop screaming "The power of imagination, of course!" as the answer to every question at my local bar's trivia night.
@MikeDrucker
Mike Drucker

Or at the funeral home.

TIP: If you're giving a eulogy at a funeral, don't say, "But you don't have to take my word for it!" and point at the coffin.
@MikeDrucker
Mike Drucker

His phone at least occasionally saves Mike from saying the wrong thing.

I bet phones wonder why people have so much trouble spelling the word "duck."
@MikeDrucker
Mike Drucker

He's a reader. Of books.

Rebekah Brooks is what would've happened if Hermione Granger was put in Slytherin.
@MikeDrucker
Mike Drucker

All kinds of books.

50 Shades of Grey is a billion times more entertaining if you imagine the rich guy she's fucking is Scrooge McDuck.
@MikeDrucker
Mike Drucker

And has seen at least one classic movie.

Mitt Romney is a combination of all the bad guys from Animal House.
@MikeDrucker
Mike Drucker

He's a little ashamed of his race.

King Joffrey is everything I hate about white people.
@MikeDrucker
Mike Drucker

Mike would make a great high school guidance counselor.

For fans of the Scarlett Johansson photos, might I recommend porn? It's similar, but the women in the photos are consenting to being seen!
@MikeDrucker
Mike Drucker

Drucker could have used a better Health Ed teacher.

Honestly, as a kid I thought sex would sound a lot more like Nickelodeon Gak.
@MikeDrucker
Mike Drucker

You can't put one fast Drucker, even if you're the President.

Nice try, Mr. President, but if your birth certificate was made in 1961, WHY IS IT IN PDF FORMAT?!
@MikeDrucker
Mike Drucker

He can make R.E.O. Speedwagon sound cool.

#DisappointingBands R.E.O. Obeying All Traffic Rules And Using A Turn Signal Wagon
@MikeDrucker
Mike Drucker

Mike ruined the fun of watching television.

Fun Fact: Advertisers don't care if you watch a show ironically.
@MikeDrucker
Mike Drucker

Roger Cormier has a proclivity towards taking things on the run.