Splitsider

Monday, July 16th, 2012

MovieZoom, by Molly Schoemann

From:  List@MovieZoom.com
Date:  Sunday, 6:54pm
Subject:  Welcome to MovieZoom!

Dear Valued MovieZoom Customer,

Thanks for trying our new service! We here at MovieZoom are excited to bring you the hottest new movies at the lowest prices. We know you’ll be pleased with our unbeatable selection and stellar customer service.

Enjoy the Ride! ™
Your Friends at MovieZoom

From:  List@MovieZoom.com
Date:  Monday, 8:39am
Subject:  Hot New MovieZoom Picks

Dear Valued MovieZoom Subscriber,

Summer is heating up, and bringing with it a number of sizzling new comedies and hot-buttered dramas. Below is a link to a number of new releases we think will really spice up your life.

Enjoy the Ride! ™
Your Friends at MovieZoom

From:  List@MovieZoom.com
Date:  Tuesday, 4:13pm
Subject:  Tuesday Blues?

Greetings From the MovieZoom Gang!

We’re so thrilled to have you as a new subscriber. Below is a link to several movies that we thought would be fun to watch on a slow Tuesday afternoon like today. Some of them even have the word ‘Tuesday’ in the title! It’s more difficult to find those than you might think.

Enjoy the Ride! ™
Your Friends at MovieZoom

PS– Seriously though, is it just us, or is today going by s-o-o-o slowly?

From:  List@MovieZoom.com
Date:  Tuesday, 9:47pm
Subject:  Help Us Find You Great Movies

Dear Favorite Subscriber,

Your friends at MovieZoom would like to remind you that the more movies you order, the better our patented ViewPic™ system works to help choose the best new movies for you based on your preferences.

We can’t wait to find out more about you based on your movie choices! It can only bring us closer.

Also, below is a link to a coupon for a free movie.

Fondly,
Your Fans at MovieZoom

PPS—Do you like movies? God, we just love them so much.

PPS—You know what? Here’s a link to another coupon. Don't bother to thank us—we just think the world of you.

From:  List@MovieZoom.com
Date:  Thursday, 10:32am
Subject:  We Watched So Many Movies Last Night

But we still couldn’t get to sleep. We just stayed up all night, thinking about how lucky we are to be able to meet your movie-watching needs.

Look, we know you haven’t been an email subscriber for very long. But this subscription just feels different for us. It’s really hard to explain.

Anyway. You probably think we’re crazy. I bet that’s why you haven’t ordered any more movies from us since you watched Independence Day on Monday night.

Not a bad flick, by the way.

Keep in touch,
Your MovieZoom BFF

From:  List@MovieZoom.com
Date:  Thursday, 11:58pm
Subject: It's Us Again

Hi There, MovieZoomKeteer!

The marketing team didn’t really like that line, but I’m using it anyway, because I knew you would get a kick out of it! Right? I just feel like you get me, you know?

Anyway. There are some new movies out today, but I don’t really feel like going into that. I’m kind of tired. But I’m also kind of wired at the same time!

I’m rambling here, I know.

Here’s a discount membership for a friend or family member. I just really love taking care of you.

Yours,
MovieZoom

From:  List@MovieZoom.com
Date:  Friday, 2:33am
Subject:  Hey

Hey, it’s MovieZoom.

Just seeing if you’re up. I know it’s late, but I was hoping maybe you were having trouble sleeping too. Sometimes when I’ve been lying awake and staring at the ceiling for hours, wondering what on earth I have left to live for, I remember that at least we have each other, right?

Each other, and top-quality, new-releases at very reasonable rates.

Speaking of which, I’ve noticed you haven’t been using any of the coupons I’ve been sending you. Those things aren’t free, you know. That’s real money you’re wasting by letting them expire. I’m just saying.

You know what—I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be emailing you at this time of night.

Things have just been really crazy lately.

Hit me back when you get this.

-MZ

From:  List@MovieZoom.com
Date:  Sunday, 12:14pm
Subject:  OMG

MovieZoom here.

I just got the news that you’ve requested that your email be unsubscribed from MovieZoom’s email list. Did you think I wouldn't find out?

That hurt. I’m not gonna lie. I watched Beaches over and over again last night and cried until I might have been screaming.

It’s ok though. I understand. We’ve grown apart. I don’t know what went wrong, but I feel like I don’t even know you anymore. You’re like a stranger to me now.

A real email subscriber would never do what you did.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that your request is currently being processed, and you should be removed from our database within 5-7 business days. It will be like we never happened.

In the meantime, I will try to remember that I have a lot of other things going for me right now. Like the joy of offering the largest movie selection in the country for the lowest possible price to millions of grateful customers.

Thanks for the memories, and Enjoy the F&*^#ing Ride! ™
MovieZoom Out

 

Molly Schoemann is a suitably neurotic NYC native who writes humor and satire.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit to it, send an email to Becca O'Neal.

  • Nonya

    Too long. Didn't read.

  • TightropeGrace

    Your loss, because that was adorable.