Splitsider

Monday, July 9th, 2012

Welcome to Our Dog Park, by Jonathan Millstein

Welcome to our dog park. This land is privately owned, but we open it to the public because we love dogs. Please, read and abide by the rules posted on this sign so that all may continue to enjoy our park.

Waste
Our park generates no income and does not receive government funding, so we are unable to provide custodial services. Therefore we ask those who use our park to help us keep it clean by picking up waste quickly and courteously. Note that we do not consider dogs that perish on the premises to be waste. Removing these dogs from the park is expressly forbidden.

Leashes
Dogs are naturally curious, and will make playful attempts to rouse other dogs if they find them dead. This can be harmful to the dog bodies. We do what we can to maintain the park relatively free of deceased dogs, but during certain seasons, they can remain for up to forty-eight hours before we are able to collect them. So that your pet does not interfere with the retrieval process, we ask that you always keep it on a leash. 

Hunting
Our pledge to never charge membership fees means we can subsidize the cost of the park’s upkeep only by shooting and eating visiting dogs. It is this practice that allows us maintain our park as a free service to the community. You can assist us by allowing at least 5’ between you and your pet at all times and avoiding clearly marked areas of the park that our guns cannot reach.

Breeds
Certain breeds of dogs are discouraged at our park. Among them are toy dogs (Chihuahuas, Pomeranians, Shih Tzus, etc.), which barely constitute a meal. Greyhounds and other so-called sighthounds are similarly recommended against, because the little meat that they offer is very tough. Bulldogs taste gross. Should you feel compelled to bring a dog of an aforementioned breed to the park, we ask that you also come with a second, more desirable dog.

Older Dogs
We cannot permit dogs of more than eight years of age to enter the park: older dogs are easier to shoot than younger ones, but the flavor of their muscles is far worse. The not-for-profit business model we’ve created for our park collapses if the dogs are not as delicious as the ones we are accustomed to, so unfortunately we must be firm on this point.

Meeting the Park’s Owners
If while enjoying the park you encounter us, the property’s owners, you may feel inclined to reciprocate our treatment of your former pets. Do not act upon this inclination as we are armed. Know that eating dogs is our duty to you, the patrons of this park, and it is not something we delight in. It may not always appear this way, especially in the summer months, when we can be found barbecuing your pets out in the open, grinning as we lick the meat from their bones, seemingly without regard for the humanity of this act. Recognize that we are aware of the act’s inhumanity. We simply love dogs.

Thank you for reading these guidelines. Please abide by them—those who do not will be asked to surrender their dogs and leave. Enjoy your visit!

Jon Millstein is a student at Brown University. He tweets right here.

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