Splitsider

Monday, August 20th, 2012

FAQs for Jocasta's Christening, by Caitlin Kunkel

Will there be alcohol at the christening?

As many of you know, it is not recommended that babies drink alcohol, even at special occasions like a christening. I know I invited some “mommies who party,” but we wouldn’t want any babies getting boozy from breast milk! For this reason, and your lack of self control, there will be no alcohol present.

What should I wear to the ceremony?

You should be able to refer back to page 3 of your invitation for this information (if you lost it, you owe me $11/each), but here it is again – we are all wearing NAVY with SANSKRIT accents for the ceremony (at the convention center), and then guests should change to MAROON with hints of BURNT UMBER for the reception and pagan naming ritual, then DUSK BLACK featuring BLACK BLACK for Jamiroquai’s after-party at the country club (so he doesn’t feel left out on Jocasta’s big day (parity!)).

Should I bring a present?

Only if you hold the unspoken rules of society dear. And, for your reference – your portion of the day costs $344.56. Just saying.

The invitation is covered in animal doodles. Can I assume those are just for decoration, or will there be actual animals there?

Much like Dan Brown, we don’t believe in wasted symbology. The number of animals present will be regulation petting zoo plus 7.

What will the menu be, and will you accommodate special requests?

The menu is paleo-vegan. NO OTHER OPTIONS.

What does the postscript, “this is a consensual christening,” mean?

Sigh. Only animal products taken with consent from the animal will be tolerated in hair products or items of clothing. There will be a consent-sniffing dog in attendance to check compliance.

We don’t believe in original sin. Should we come anyway?

The original sin was Eve responding “yes” for a dinner party Adam was hosting and then never bothering to show up even though he had already made all the food and bouncy castle arrangements. Do you find that so unbelievable?

Don’t you feel the name “Jocasta” has some negative connotations from Greek mythology?

We feel that there’s absolutely nothing negative about a deep love between a mother and child. Although we ask that the word “Oedipus” not be uttered on the party premises as our ferrets, Antigone and Ismene, will begin weeping and clawing at their eyes.

Will Jocasta be able to enjoy an 8-hour christening?

In a past life, Jocasta was Harriet Tubman. She has immense patience and an impeccable sense of direction. Don’t worry.

See you all there!

Platonic kisses and emotional hugs,
Regan

 

Caitlin Kunkel simultaneously lives, writes and does ironic yoga in Portland, OR.  She twitters the time away here.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit to it, send an email to Becca O'Neal.

  • Gracie

    Hysterical piece, Caitlin! Going to start signing all of my e-mail "Platonic kisses and emotional hugs"