Everybody is a comedian on Twitter, but only a select few are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.
(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)
Erin Whitehead (@girlwithatail) has been a part of the Upright Citizens Brigade in Los Angeles since 2008 and admits on her official biothat she spends "far too much time" on Twitter, both during the day and at night. Fortunately for us, most of what she has to say is pretty funny. Unfortunately for Erin, doing improv and tweeting isn't her dream.
This IS my backup career. I wanted to be a horse.
Actually her dreams seem to have a dark edge to them.
Time to get under the covers and watch the movie on the back of my eyelids called, "Everything I Ever Worried About" starring Death.
Things are dark even during the waking hours.
As I was cleaning I tried 5 times to pick up a piece of trash that turned out to be a patch of sunlight. MUST EVERYTHING BE A LIFE METAPHOR?
Erin and her mother aren't on the best of terms.
I told my mom "I love you" and she said "Thank you." It's over isn't it?
I called my mom and she texted me back. It's over, isn't it?
Whitehead is not loved.
When someone "likes" something on my Facebook wall I check back a few months later but it never turns to "love."
But she knows it could be worse. She could be Pacman's widow.
After Pacman's death, Ms. Pacman wandered the empty halls, lost in a maze of grief, feeling as though she was surrounded only by ghosts.
It sounds like the Whitehead family have entertaining Thanksgivings.
Family dinner topics so far: blood poisoning, fire deaths, famine, surgical infections. And yet it's inappropriate when I say "Kill me now."
Their neighbors have weirder ones.
My neighbors are outside nailing a turkey to a cross. They're new to this country.
Erin has learned how to behave like a normal human being.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
But some self-esteem issues remain.
If Scarlett Johansson is embarrassed about those photos I need to reconsider ever taking off my clothes in front of anybody ever again.
Probably because of her name.
My Native American name is, "She's great but I'd never date her."
It's not easy for Erin to articulate all of this.
You know when you're a kid and you go to draw a horse and it comes out a fat dog? That's what happens when I try to make my thoughts words.
If Whitehead ever encounters a genie, she is prepared.
I wish strangers didn't automatically know I have private parts.
I wish it was "Danzig with the Stars."
Her third wish should be for a certain DVD box set.
I didn't catch the series finale of Who's the Boss; did they ever figure out it was Bruce Springsteen?
Erin has found a major flaw in the whole wedding scam.
You found someone to love you. Forever. You're marrying them. And now I buy YOU presents? I feel like this system is flawed.
Whitehead knows why sometimes prayers go unanswered.
"Are you there Margaret? It's me God. Sorry it took so long to respond, there're A TON of teenage girls with periods!? What, you're 40 now?"
God might be busy for another reason.
If God is always watching then life is just one big snuff film.
Erin isn't as familiar with the properties of rubber as she claims to be.
I'm rubber, you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off of me then I go over it a million times in my head with mounting, crippling anxiety.
Whitehead can direct the gentleman to this post to begin the bedtime story.
I just want a guy who will read me to sleep at night. My own tweets. While chuckling and pointing out the brilliance of each one.
Roger Cormier believes that Bruce Springsteen and Angela Bower should collaborate on a project.