Splitsider

Friday, August 31st, 2012

Follow Friday: @oldmanweldon (Will Weldon)

Everybody is a comedian on Twitter, but only a select few are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.

(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)

Will Weldon is from Canada, so therefore he has to be funny. For further proof, you could have went to Montreal last month and seen him perform as one of the "New Faces" at the Just For Laughs festival. If you missed out, you can always go through his twitter account. Of course, since he's a male comedian most of the topics he covers may be predictable.

"Don't you hate how all female comics just talk about their periods? Anyway, so I'm smoking weed, farting, and jacking off..." - Dude Comics
@oldmanweldon
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Will should have provided DVD commentary for Back to the Future.

Marty McFly's mom seems weirdly fine with the fact that the guy who tried to rape her now washes the family car.
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Weldon fortunately watched the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers at an age appropriate time.

"The the yellow Power Ranger is Asian, and the Black one is Black. Good thing I'm eight so I don't get how racist this is!" - Me
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He's either referring to the Don McLean version or the Madonna version. Doesn't matter either way.

Somebody broke into my car and stole my radio, but that's okay because sometimes it would play "American Pie".
@oldmanweldon
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Will recognizes the real threat in the house.

"Son, the monster under your bed worries me FAR less than the one lurking just below the surface of my psyche. Anyway, good night."
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Weldon likes to give gay people credit.

I think gay people deserve a lot of credit for not just going out and murdering straight people all the time.
@oldmanweldon
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Not so much to the U.S. Congress.

My wife is still waiting for congress to give her instructions on what to do with her vagina today.
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It's smart to warn others when with America's number one threat.

"Bear with me here." A man travelling with a bear
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Thanks to Will, I now know that Roger Daltrey was really into fast food.

Roger Daltrey going "YEEEAAAHHH!" in Won't Get Fooled Again was not written. While recording, someone off-mic asked if he wanted McDonalds.
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And that Jeremy Piven has the best business card.

I bet Jeremy Piven's business card just says "DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!"
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Weldon is selective when it comes to women.

I like my coffee like I like my women: exclusively as the set-up to a joke.
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He should never be hired as a writer for any Food Network program.

I'm watching "Chopped" and the contents of the mystery basket are... PEOPLE! OH GOD IT'S PEOPLE!!!!
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Can't it be both?

This hugely obese woman in a "No Fat Chicks" t-shirt is either the saddest person in America or my God damn hero.
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It can't be both? I disagree.

"I guess you're right." - No one on the internet
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Will is probably great at pitching shows.

"There's this cat, and he's sarcastic, like a real fucking asshole. And also, he's a big fat fuck!"-How I imagine Jim Davis pitched Garfield
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Weldon has discovered how to make billions of dollars.

Adam Sandler's acting technique: 1) Come up with voice. 2) Cash check. 3) Do not look at self in mirror.
@oldmanweldon
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Will is an excellent impressionist.

"You're making me vexed. And you won't be partial to me when I'm vexed." - Pretentious Hulk
@oldmanweldon
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He's either a very talented farmer or some sort of witch.

You know those hard bits that you squeeze out of a zit? If you plant that in the ground, a ticket to comic con will grow out of a magic bush
@oldmanweldon
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Don't believe him if he wishes you good luck with something.

"Good luck with that" is probably the number one phrase in the English language in terms of how often it is said insincerely.
@oldmanweldon
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You should never forget Will, and the fact that occasionally – he tried.

Pretty sure the epitaph on my tombstone will read "Well, he tried, sort of..."
@oldmanweldon
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Roger Cormier needs a new epitaph.