Splitsider

Friday, September 28th, 2012

Follow Friday: Emily Heller (@MrEmilyHeller)

Everybody is a jokester on Twitter, but only a select few are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.

(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)

Emily Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) is a comedian that wouldn't be lying if she said she was on John Oliver’s New York Stand Up Show, or that she was one of the New Faces at the 2012 Montreal Just For Laughs Festival, or if she told you she co-hosts the podcast Baby Geniuses with Lisa Hanawalt, or that she has some beef with scientists.

A new study shows non-alcoholic red wine works to lower blood pressure just as well as regular wine, according to shitty science assholes
@MrEmilyHeller
Emily Heller

Emily is fluent in Italian.

Fedora is the Italian word for unfuckable
@MrEmilyHeller
Emily Heller

Heller has the best reason in the world to re-elect Barack Obama.

Obama better win because I don't think I'd be able to handle all the "I guess you CAN go back!" jokes
@MrEmilyHeller
Emily Heller

She thinks some kids really have to earn their Halloween costumes.

We shouldn't let kids dress up like Snow White or Cinderella unless we make them do hours of brutal housework too
@MrEmilyHeller
Emily Heller

Emily sometimes combines movies in her head.

Spoiler alert: Magic Mike gets sorted into Hufflepuff
@MrEmilyHeller
Emily Heller

Heller's humor isn't for everyone apparently.

You guys I have like 3 million Twitter unfollowers
@MrEmilyHeller
Emily Heller

She is concerned with the injuries that can be sustained due to weak, undeveloped wrists.

I think we're giving babies way too many unearned high fives
@MrEmilyHeller
Emily Heller

Emily is looking for people that are willing to argue with their heart and soul.

Do you guys want to join my Sports Team? There are no athletics involved, we just defend that Huey Lewis album in organized debates.
@MrEmilyHeller
Emily Heller

I think it's a really good thing that they don't know.

What's so crazy is that cats don't even know about the internet
@MrEmilyHeller
Emily Heller

Heller needs to have a long conversation with her mother.

I got a tattoo but I think it's kind of classy cause it's just my mom's name. Well, it will be when my mom changes her name to Thug Life
@MrEmilyHeller
Emily Heller

She doesn't leave contests empty handed.

I can't so much "beat box" as I can "arrhythmically fill my own hand with drool"
@MrEmilyHeller
Emily Heller

Emily might not be the best wedding guest.

I like telling married people that I want to be single forever, just so they go "You can't know you'll want that forever." Yeah, EXACTLY
@MrEmilyHeller
Emily Heller

Don't worry; she'll see the photos either way.

I guess "Looking at strangers' wedding photos at 2 am" was a little wordy for a URL so they went with Facebook instead
@MrEmilyHeller
Emily Heller

Heller changed the emoticon game with a mere 17 keystrokes.

New emoticon: @|||||||||||( :-| ) {guy with eleven pancakes and a cinnamon bun on his head and also he's on antidepressants}
@MrEmilyHeller
Emily Heller

She has some restraint.

Just came up with ten tweets not worth posting. Previously known as "thoughts"
@MrEmilyHeller
Emily Heller

Christopher Meloni left one year too soon.

I want to say for the record that I fully support taking down the Joe Paterno statue and replacing it with one of Mariska Hargitay
@MrEmilyHeller
Emily Heller

Emily knows why Yahoo employees are the least informed people in the country.

The CEO of Yahoo emailed his employees to apologize for padding his resume. None of them got it since they really only check their gmail.
@MrEmilyHeller
Emily Heller

It's not okay if haters are going to hate, unless they hate together.

When god was inventing feelings, I wonder if he knew what a hit "finding out someone hates the same person as you" was gonna be
@MrEmilyHeller
Emily Heller

Heller's fans are very considerate.

I just want to take a minute to thank all my fans for respecting my personal space and not even letting me know they exist in any way.
@MrEmilyHeller
Emily Heller

Roger Cormier is sick and tired of hating alone.

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  • http://twitter.com/DevinRosni Devin Rosni

    I saw her warm up the crowd at Totally Biased with W. Kamau Bell–she was excellent. I recommend catching her Fresh Out show on Thursdays at UCBeast.