Everybody is a comedian on Twitter, but only a select few are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.
(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)
Josh Gondelman (@JoshGondelman) is a Boston born postcard tumblrer and humorous essayist and most importantly, a funny tweeter. While he is a talented writer, he's not so great with numbers.
My friend told me he was no good at math. I was like: "That makes four of us."
But he still knows that he's getting too many emails.
I wish there were a Groupon that gave you half off the amount of e-mails that Groupon sends you.
Josh isn't impressed by your fancy mansions.
I've seen better Gatsbys is all.
But Gondelman *is* impressed by the First Lady's weaponry.
Michelle Obama's sleeves are the most serious gun control we have.
Josh has rather inconsiderate friends.
If someone says they are "twenty minutes away," they haven't left yet. If they say they're "about to leave," they're in a different country.
If you're being murdered by a koala and only Josh Gondelman is around, you're going to die.
It would be rough to save someone from a koala attack. You'd be a hero, but everyone would think: "That dick just beat up a koala."
He is a future Republican speechwriter.
"I see some ladies tonight who should not legally have the right to choose whether they'll be having my baby, baby." - The Notorious RNC
He can't be trusted around cookies.
"Did you really eat all of those cookies?" is a question I will not answer without a lawyer present.
Josh is a criminal mastermind.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: "Stop, collaborate, and listen," then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Gondelman has a question for drag queens.
Why isn't every drag queen named Ben Her?
He knows how the movie business works.
Release the hounds! Wait ten years! Rerelease the hounds in 3-D!
Josh has whatever disease it is where you can hear what scurvy says.
"Long time, no C." - scurvy
Gondelman is a Wereswaldo.
Every full moon I find myself wearing a striped shirt while lost in a crowd. Turns out I'm a Wereswaldo.
Some guys of a certain age would prefer a Jettataur.
My favorite mythical creature is the Benataur. Half horse/half Pat Benatar.
Dude owns a theremin.
I think my theremin is haunted, but there's no way to tell.
He figured out Bon Jovi.
I've seen better Gatsbys is all.
Josh likes the chase.
I think my attraction to girls with bangs and fedoras stems from my time chasing Carmen Sandiego.
Maybe the government has hypothyroidism?
Chris Christie just mentioned reducing the size of government. What does he know about portion control?
Gondelman put us in our place.
Is "Kong" the only gorilla surname we can think of? If so, maybe we're not that evolved.
Roger Cormier is always one theremin away.
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