Splitsider

Friday, September 21st, 2012

Follow Friday: @JoshGondelman

Everybody is a comedian on Twitter, but only a select few are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.

(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)

Josh Gondelman (@JoshGondelman) is a Boston born postcard tumblrer and humorous essayist and most importantly, a funny tweeter. While he is a talented writer, he's not so great with numbers.

My friend told me he was no good at math. I was like: "That makes four of us."
@joshgondelman
Josh Gondelman

But he still knows that he's getting too many emails.

I wish there were a Groupon that gave you half off the amount of e-mails that Groupon sends you.
@joshgondelman
Josh Gondelman

Josh isn't impressed by your fancy mansions.

I've seen better Gatsbys is all.
@joshgondelman
Josh Gondelman

But Gondelman *is* impressed by the First Lady's weaponry.

Michelle Obama's sleeves are the most serious gun control we have.
@joshgondelman
Josh Gondelman

Josh has rather inconsiderate friends.

If someone says they are "twenty minutes away," they haven't left yet. If they say they're "about to leave," they're in a different country.
@joshgondelman
Josh Gondelman

If you're being murdered by a koala and only Josh Gondelman is around, you're going to die.

It would be rough to save someone from a koala attack. You'd be a hero, but everyone would think: "That dick just beat up a koala."
@joshgondelman
Josh Gondelman

He is a future Republican speechwriter.

"I see some ladies tonight who should not legally have the right to choose whether they'll be having my baby, baby." - The Notorious RNC
@joshgondelman
Josh Gondelman

He can't be trusted around cookies.

"Did you really eat all of those cookies?" is a question I will not answer without a lawyer present.
@joshgondelman
Josh Gondelman

Josh is a criminal mastermind.

If you want to rob a white person, just say: "Stop, collaborate, and listen," then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
@joshgondelman
Josh Gondelman

Gondelman has a question for drag queens.

Why isn't every drag queen named Ben Her?
@joshgondelman
Josh Gondelman

He knows how the movie business works.

Release the hounds! Wait ten years! Rerelease the hounds in 3-D!
@joshgondelman
Josh Gondelman

Josh has whatever disease it is where you can hear what scurvy says.

Gondelman is a Wereswaldo.

Every full moon I find myself wearing a striped shirt while lost in a crowd. Turns out I'm a Wereswaldo.
@joshgondelman
Josh Gondelman

Some guys of a certain age would prefer a Jettataur.

My favorite mythical creature is the Benataur. Half horse/half Pat Benatar.
@joshgondelman
Josh Gondelman

Dude owns a theremin.

I think my theremin is haunted, but there's no way to tell.
@joshgondelman
Josh Gondelman

He figured out Bon Jovi.

I've seen better Gatsbys is all.
@joshgondelman
Josh Gondelman

Josh likes the chase.

I think my attraction to girls with bangs and fedoras stems from my time chasing Carmen Sandiego.
@joshgondelman
Josh Gondelman

Maybe the government has hypothyroidism?

Chris Christie just mentioned reducing the size of government. What does he know about portion control?
@joshgondelman
Josh Gondelman

Gondelman put us in our place.

Is "Kong" the only gorilla surname we can think of? If so, maybe we're not that evolved.
@joshgondelman
Josh Gondelman

 

Roger Cormier is always one theremin away.

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