Splitsider

Friday, September 14th, 2012

Follow Friday: @MeganNeuringer

Everybody is a comedian on Twitter, but only a select few are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.

(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)

Megan Neuringer (@MeganNeuringer) has appeared on Best Week EverFringeDelocated, and most recently in the movie Bachlorette. She's written for Silent Library and freelances for Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

But that doesn't mean that you should ask her about her pan pizza.

please don't ask me about my pan pizza, it's personal.
@MeganNeuringer
Megan Neuringer

Nor should you ask her what today's date is, because she has trouble with that. (This was written on September 10th.)

And you definitely shouldn't ask Megan to rake the leaves.

i'm dating a rake. he fucks me andleaves. #perfectjoke
@MeganNeuringer
Megan Neuringer

Neuringer, like all of us, was misled by those friendly Olive Garden commercials.

how much olive garden do i have to eat before i'm family? choking down 9th bowl of alfredo and no one will acknowledge me.
@MeganNeuringer
Megan Neuringer

She is a champion.

was winning a staring contest w literally every person on this m train before a cop made me forfeit.
@MeganNeuringer
Megan Neuringer

instagram made everyone a photographer the way twitter made everyone a comedian.

instagram made everyone a photographer the way twitter made everyone a comedian.
@MeganNeuringer
Megan Neuringer

Megan discovered the secret to eternal life.

so good at procrastinating it's likely i'll never die.
@MeganNeuringer
Megan Neuringer

Andwhat the most useful app in the world would be.

there should be an app that tells u what u feel like eating.
@MeganNeuringer
Megan Neuringer

Megan has the ability to ruin a comfortable, brisk 65 degree day with just one sentence.

look i know the weather is beautiful but its tits are fake.
@MeganNeuringer
Megan Neuringer

To be honest tempeh tantrums don't sound all that appealing either.

vegans don't have beef w each other they have tempeh tantrums. #YES #OHGODYES
@MeganNeuringer
Megan Neuringer

Neuringer might need to reconsider her pillow talk.

just whispered "happy father's day 9 months from now..." to the stranger in my bed. he's mad but i think i'm cute!
@MeganNeuringer
Megan Neuringer

She loves the government. Sort of.

And not all members of government exactly.

republicans are SO lucky women can't vote in this country. they'd be in trouble for sure.
@MeganNeuringer
Megan Neuringer

Megan expects too much from tailors.

wish i could find a good tailor to alter my REALITY.
@MeganNeuringer
Megan Neuringer

Neuringer may tell you that she is a wallet inspector. That is a lie.

you can tell a lot about a person based on stealing their social security number.
@MeganNeuringer
Megan Neuringer

You might be working overtime wrong.

based on all 90's movies ur not working overtime unless ur eating chinese food out of the carton.
@MeganNeuringer
Megan Neuringer

She's kind of a bad deal.

But not as bad as a cow who can't even finish a joke.

"knock knock." "who's there?" "apathetic interrupting cow." "apathetic interr---" "mehhhhhhh."
@MeganNeuringer
Megan Neuringer

Roger Cormier needs a new tailor.