Everybody is a comedian on Twitter, but only a select few are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.
(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)
Steven Amiri (@StevenAmiri) is a very funny tweeter that has been featured in InTouch magazine, someecards and National Lampoon magazine who apparently thinks about the Kennedy assassination often.
What if Lee Harvey Oswald just hated parades? Steven knows where Monica Lewinsky was the other night.
"I used to fuck that guy." - Monica Lewinsky, pointing to a television at Buffalo Wild Wings. #DNC Amiri probably does well with the ladies.
"So are you sitting next to President Obama or may I join you?" - My new pickup line He scouts for future stars of Werner Herzog movies.
Scouring IMDb for a tall German actor named Deiter Pinklage. Steven is a lawyer who has discovered a very interesting corporate ownership loophole.
Sometimes I feel like it wouldn't be that hard to just push Mark Zuckerberg down and take Facebook away from him. Would "republics" work?
"What rhymes with Gabby Douglas?" - Rappers Steven might have come up with an idea that could lead to record shattering pole vault records.
Women's pole vaulting is funnier if you imagine they are trying to get over a moat built around Ryan Gosling's house. After all…
Pussy Riots are what happen when Ryan Gosling movies are sold out. Amiri is not a fan of a certain TLC reality show.
Still not too late for a Honey Boo Boo/Shark Week crossover episode. He knows why Val Kilmer hasn't seemed to be as philanthropic as he used to be.
Christian Bale visited Aurora victims today. Val Kilmer visited them yesterday but was asked to leave after a case of pudding went missing. Steven asks the right political questions.
What if Romney has multiple running mates? Amiri would like to direct ghosts to specific destinations.
I hope Gore Vidal haunts a Chick-Fil-A. He's pretty shitty at naming things.
Not to be outdone by Google Fiber, Microsoft is slated to release their high-speed internet service, Bing Diarrhea. Steven isn't afraid to shed light on the dark side of some zebras.
"Read between the lines." - White supremacist zebra. Amiri is no Dave Coulier, but to be fair only one individual can be.
Did you guys know that Gotye's "Somebody That I Used to Know" was written about Dave Coulier? Dave Coulier would have no problem with opening juice.
So glad DUI checkpoints don't involve sticking a straw in a Capri Sun. He might know how Lance Armstrong cheated.
I wonder how many times Lance Armstrong used a Livestrong bracelet as a tourniquet for drug needles. Steven understands that the Secret Service's job is even harder than we imagine it.
Surprise birthday parties must be hell for members of the Secret Service. Amiri might want to call the Secret Service about his knowledge of American Idol's former and current employees
First Steven Tyler and now Nicki Minaj. Congratulations to American Idol for keeping our nation's extraterrestrials employed. Roger Cormier was the inspiration for three Gotye songs that you've never heard of.
Why NBC Will Regret Not Picking Up 'Mulaney'
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