Splitsider

Friday, September 7th, 2012

Follow Friday: @StevenAmiri

Everybody is a comedian on Twitter, but only a select few are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.

(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)

Steven Amiri (@StevenAmiri) is a very funny tweeter that has been featured in InTouch magazine, someecards and National Lampoon magazine who apparently thinks about the Kennedy assassination often.

What if Lee Harvey Oswald just hated parades?
@StevenAmiri
Steven Amiri

Yeah but was JFK wearing his seat belt? #ProgressiveTwitterTeam
@StevenAmiri
Steven Amiri

Steven knows where Monica Lewinsky was the other night.

"I used to fuck that guy." - Monica Lewinsky, pointing to a television at Buffalo Wild Wings. #DNC
@StevenAmiri
Steven Amiri

Amiri probably does well with the ladies.

"So are you sitting next to President Obama or may I join you?" - My new pickup line
@StevenAmiri
Steven Amiri

He scouts for future stars of Werner Herzog movies.

Scouring IMDb for a tall German actor named Deiter Pinklage.
@StevenAmiri
Steven Amiri

Steven is a lawyer who has discovered a very interesting corporate ownership loophole.

Sometimes I feel like it wouldn't be that hard to just push Mark Zuckerberg down and take Facebook away from him.
@StevenAmiri
Steven Amiri

Would "republics" work?

"What rhymes with Gabby Douglas?" - Rappers
@StevenAmiri
Steven Amiri

Steven might have come up with an idea that could lead to record shattering pole vault records.

Women's pole vaulting is funnier if you imagine they are trying to get over a moat built around Ryan Gosling's house.
@StevenAmiri
Steven Amiri

After all…

Pussy Riots are what happen when Ryan Gosling movies are sold out.
@StevenAmiri
Steven Amiri

Amiri is not a fan of a certain TLC reality show.

Still not too late for a Honey Boo Boo/Shark Week crossover episode.
@StevenAmiri
Steven Amiri

He knows why Val Kilmer hasn't seemed to be as philanthropic as he used to be.

Christian Bale visited Aurora victims today. Val Kilmer visited them yesterday but was asked to leave after a case of pudding went missing.
@StevenAmiri
Steven Amiri

Steven asks the right political questions.

What if Romney has multiple running mates?
@StevenAmiri
Steven Amiri

Amiri would like to direct ghosts to specific destinations.

I hope Gore Vidal haunts a Chick-Fil-A.
@StevenAmiri
Steven Amiri

He's pretty shitty at naming things.

Not to be outdone by Google Fiber, Microsoft is slated to release their high-speed internet service, Bing Diarrhea.
@StevenAmiri
Steven Amiri

Steven isn't afraid to shed light on the dark side of some zebras.

"Read between the lines." - White supremacist zebra.
@StevenAmiri
Steven Amiri

Amiri is no Dave Coulier, but to be fair only one individual can be.

Did you guys know that Gotye's "Somebody That I Used to Know" was written about Dave Coulier?
@StevenAmiri
Steven Amiri

Dave Coulier would have no problem with opening juice.

So glad DUI checkpoints don't involve sticking a straw in a Capri Sun.
@StevenAmiri
Steven Amiri

He might know how Lance Armstrong cheated.

I wonder how many times Lance Armstrong used a Livestrong bracelet as a tourniquet for drug needles.
@StevenAmiri
Steven Amiri

Steven understands that the Secret Service's job is even harder than we imagine it.

Surprise birthday parties must be hell for members of the Secret Service.
@StevenAmiri
Steven Amiri

Amiri might want to call the Secret Service about his knowledge of American Idol's former and current employees

First Steven Tyler and now Nicki Minaj. Congratulations to American Idol for keeping our nation's extraterrestrials employed.
@StevenAmiri
Steven Amiri

Roger Cormier was the inspiration for three Gotye songs that you've never heard of.