Gushing about Wood and All the Best Parts from Nick Offerman’s AMA
Nick Offerman did a Reddit AMA last Friday and was the best. Unlike many people who only answer the serious questions (I’m looking atchu Barry Obams), Offerman seemingly veered towards the sillier stuff. Below read his best quotes on the topics of wood, his wife, Parks & Rec and more!
On how he is drastically different from Ron:
I wouldn’t call it drastic, but my penis is 5/8″ larger than Ron’s, in both length AND breadth, but it is held that he wields his with greater aplomb.
On Amy Poehler:
I met Amy in the early 90’s and she is like a superhero mixed with both Coach and Tammie Taylor from FNL, as well as Tim Riggins and a little Landry.
On his favorite thing about each cast member:
Amy – Her ability to combine mischief with leadership and generosity of spirit.
Adam – His sweet, gumdrop caboose.
Pratt – Best personality ever, like a golden lab meets Don Knotts. Also a fine backside.
Rashida – Incredibly well-adjusted and lovely for having been bitten by Michael Jackson’s monkey as a child. Not a euphemism.
Aziz – He can say anything in the most hilarious way – also keepin’ them buns tight.
Aubrey – She is beautiful and wonderful – not evil, don’t be ridiculous.
Rob – A champion in every way, super funny – wouldn’t mind a tad more junk in his trunk.
Retta – Could rule the world if she so chose. DISCERNING. Beautiful.
On being the possibility of being typecasted:
As far as typecasting, I honestly don’t really give a shit. I feel pretty damn lucky to have landed in the role of Ron, and if I am defined that way, well, I can think of worse problems. If no one will hire me after Ron then I’ll have to suffer through making things in my shop, performing live theater, and paddling my canoe with my wife. Yes, that was a euphemism.
I am a very big fan of Conan, so I am tickled anytime I get to go play with him and his gang. An incredibly funny chap named Brian Stack, who has been writing for Conan for about 15 years, thought up the idea, and he makes it happen. Just happy to do my part.
On if he could’ve beaten Teddy Roosevelt in a fight:
Ted Roosevelt would hand me my ass in moments. He was a goddamn man and soldier who could kill with his hands. Let’s remember, I am an actor who is handy with a sopkeshave [sic].
On his favorite type of wood:
It’s difficult to name a favorite wood. They are all so noble, each with its own special characteristics.
Oak is mighty and dense, for the hull of your square-rigged sailing ship, but also, when quarter-sawn, its medullary rays can make your library table sing with erudition. Maple and Birch are creamy and many colored, like a delicious bowl of only Lucky Charms marshmallows. Cedar and Redwood are lightweight but extremely high in tensile strength, rendering them perfect for boatbuilding in the smaller classes of watercraft. Bamboo (a grass) makes nature’s bong. Walnut (esp. California Claro) is my gold standard for depth of figure, strength, beauty, and workability. Ash and Hickory, straight-grained and true, make excellent bludgeons, dandy for the cudgeling of vegetarians.
On how he maintains a happy relationship with his wife:
We keep a happy relationship by respecting it. We make it the top priority in our lives. A lady should be treated like any person, man or woman, with respect and good manners. If you’re a fellow, it doesn’t hurt to open a door for a lady, or help her with her parcels. We’re all in this together.
On his typical evening with his wife:
Oh, gosh. Well, we get dressed up as Marx Brothers (she’s always Groucho or Harpo, and I’m Chico…whatever, she made the outfits.) and we get sauced on Gin and goofballs and run around the yard, sometimes with a lot of horn-honking, and then I set up the target rings at which Megan fires ping-pong balls and sometimes racquet balls from her vagina, often racking up an impressive tally of points (she got a 420 last night!), while I assemble my black powder muzzle-loader collection and fire lead balls at our neighbor, Charlie Sheen’s secret wife’s mom’s jungle cats (I miss on purpose, I’m not a dick.) Normal Hollywood shit.
On his morning routine:
I awaken. I consume oxygen, then bacon, eggs and black coffee, then my wife, then bacon.
On his favorite outdoor activity:
I love to paddle my own canoe, and also wife. Best while staring at the leaves of the maple or sycamore.
On how much his moustache can bench press:
114 lbs. of wife.
On moustache growth:
My moustache grows with such rampant, perpetual virility, that we need to trim it 3 or 4 times a day during filming. It was cool at first (grade school), but to be honest, it’s getting old.
On the weird things he does with Aziz:
Hm. Sometimes we pretend we’re on a CSI program and examine each other’s underpants under a huge Sherlock Holmes magnifying glass….we like to go around the lot where we shoot and see whose pet’s heads we can fit in our mouths (I always win with Jim Belushi’s (miniature) Corgi), but no, nothing weird comes to mind. Oh, we both really love to enact Rush Limbaugh radio vomit with hand-puppets made from pig intestines, which is hilarious good fun, but I think a lot of people do that. On the coasts, anyway. So, no.