Splitsider

Friday, October 5th, 2012

Follow Friday: Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit)

Everybody is a jokester on Twitter, but only a select few are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.

(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)

According to Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit), Chase Mitchell is a staff writer for both someecards and happyplace, a Weekend Update contributor and a freelance sandwich artist. Three of those four jobs have been since confirmed. Further research has shown that he is clearly not a Civil War expert.

If this Daniel Tosh thing ignites a comedy civil war, I want to be on whichever side gets an underground railroad. #ilovetrains
@ChaseMit
Chase Mitchell

And he is not good with names.

"Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone's names again." - me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
@ChaseMit
Chase Mitchell

Chase expects too much out of technology.

"Hi, I'd like to report a problem with my iPhone 5: It doesn't fill the gaping hole in my life."
@ChaseMit
Chase Mitchell

In fact he gets bored with technology a little too quickly.

Started reading todays Apple announcement on my cool state-of-the-art MacBook Pro and finished reading it on my stupid obsolete MacBook Pro.
@ChaseMit
Chase Mitchell

However, Mitchell occasionally will empathize with the machines.

Sad that the Mars rover is just out there driving around with no clue about Miley Cyrus's new haircut.
@ChaseMit
Chase Mitchell

Chase figured out why Todd Akin said that thing he did that time.

The doctor Todd Akin learned about babies from was actually two of the Little Rascals wearing a giant lab coat.
@ChaseMit
Chase Mitchell

He also solved a 12 year old Olympic mystery.

You never see Michael Phelps's father in the stands because he is a dolphin.
@ChaseMit
Chase Mitchell

And turned Olympic lemons into Olympic hard lemonade.

Just bought a bottle of this expensive new vodka distilled from Russian gymnasts' tears.
@ChaseMit
Chase Mitchell

He knows of the dangers of alcohol.

Atlanta is simultaneously hosting a comics convention and a college football game. The city is two Bud Lights away from a wedgie massacre.
@ChaseMit
Chase Mitchell

Then again, he's blissfully unaware of some of them.

Scientists say men who drink beer daily reduce their risk of heart attack. As for livers, scientists said "fuck livers" and then high-fived.
@ChaseMit
Chase Mitchell

Chase has had at least one bad experience playing Monopoly.

Hell is drunk people trying to explain a board game to each other.
@ChaseMit
Chase Mitchell

Mitchell cut Fred Willard some backhanded slack.

"American Wedding" is still the worst thing Fred Willard's done in a theater.
@ChaseMit
Chase Mitchell

He just wants Rush Limbaugh to be happy.

.@ You should read up on Bane. He's an oversized drug-addict with anger issues who's been popular since the 90s. You'd love him.
@ChaseMit
Chase Mitchell

Chase should have been Mitt Romney's campaign manager.

Romney's new campaign slogan is "WAIT, DON'T CLICK ON ANY NEWS SITES"
@ChaseMit
Chase Mitchell

Or actually maybe Mitt doesn't need his help.

Romney's flag pin is 47% bigger than Obama's. #debate
@ChaseMit
Chase Mitchell

At least he knew it was going to happen later that night.

As I cradled Gloria Estefan's dying body in my arms, she leaned in close to whisper her final words: "The rhythm is gonna get you."
@ChaseMit
Chase Mitchell

Chase gave the replacement refs more credit than most.

The replacement refs fly to Vegas, collect their money, and stand quietly in front of the fountain at the Bellagio.
@ChaseMit
Chase Mitchell

Mitchell doesn't like it when things go to waste.

.@ hey so can I have your bike
@ChaseMit
Chase Mitchell

He might get hungry and distracted if you talk about your dog.

Don't tell me you have a "chocolate lab" if you're just talking about a kind of dog.
@ChaseMit
Chase Mitchell

Mitchell knows how to get JGL to read your screenplay.

If you send Joseph Gordon-Levitt a script that doesn't say "skinny tie" on the first page, he gets so mad he has to write four ukulele songs
@ChaseMit
Chase Mitchell

Roger Cormier is still searching for Lance Armstrong's bike on craigslist.

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