Splitsider

Friday, October 12th, 2012

Follow Friday: @CurlyComedy (Abbi Crutchfield)

Everybody is a comedian shouting silly malarkey on Twitter, but only a select few are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.

(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)

Abbi Crutchfield (@CurlyComedy) is a comedian, writer and actor who produces two live comedy hours: The Living Room Show and Positively Awesome. She has been featured on VH1 and MTV as well as in national commercials. You probably owe her forever.

When I say, "No problem," I mean, "YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER."
@curlycomedy
Abbi Crutchfield

She knows her old languages.

I ran into my old English teacher. He said, "Goode to see ye!"
@curlycomedy
Abbi Crutchfield

And how not to sing the birthday song.

No matter how you start, "Happy Birthday," you've started too high. Just wait.
@curlycomedy
Abbi Crutchfield

And her group terminology.

It's a 'pride' of lions, a 'pack' of wolves and an 'embarrassment' of reality TV stars.
@curlycomedy
Abbi Crutchfield

But Abbi may have insulted her friends and herself.

I know it's silly to think I'm on some Truman Show but the pizzeria on my block is called "Pizzeria".
@curlycomedy
Abbi Crutchfield

Crutchfield has had an interesting dating history.

Dated the Kool-Aid man once. He trashed a lot of hotel rooms, but to his credit he never disagreed with me.
@curlycomedy
Abbi Crutchfield

:) :( o_0 :-|:$:@ಠ_ಠ

Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don't know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
@curlycomedy
Abbi Crutchfield

LOL @ dinner

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
@curlycomedy
Abbi Crutchfield

She knows of the real danger of global warming.

It's so hot outside the guy across the street's balls are sticking to MY leg.
@curlycomedy
Abbi Crutchfield

Abbi got fired from motivational speaking because of the second part of her sentences.

The world is your oyster! Stinky. Expensive. Scary-looking.
@curlycomedy
Abbi Crutchfield

It's like they're twins!

Man, Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger do EVERYTHING together!
@curlycomedy
Abbi Crutchfield

Crutchfield cuts people a lot of slack.

Take it easy on John Edwards. Who among you has NOT cheated on a terminally ill spouse while lying to the country?
@curlycomedy
Abbi Crutchfield

Abbi doesn't sleep well.

I had a nightmare my nugget wouldn't fit into the cup of dipping sauce.
@curlycomedy
Abbi Crutchfield

She probably has a lot of lovely candles in her home.

Bed Bath & Beyond is like a liberal arts college. You don't know what you want when you enter or leave but you spent way too much.
@curlycomedy
Abbi Crutchfield

You always know what she means to say.

I turned auto correct off and now nothing funny ever happens to me.
@curlycomedy
Abbi Crutchfield

She doesn't have the best memory.

I always have trouble remembering movie titles. I'm like Guy Pearce's character in Mentos.
@curlycomedy
Abbi Crutchfield

And she's a procrastinator.

"There are no words." - Early review of my book I haven't started.
@curlycomedy
Abbi Crutchfield

But Abbi would make a great parent.

I want my kids to have the best start in life so I plan to adopt white ones.
@curlycomedy
Abbi Crutchfield

Except on Christmas.


Roger Cormier accidentally shook the Etch-a-Police-Sketch and is currently in prison for evidence tampering.