Splitsider

Friday, October 26th, 2012

Follow Friday: @KarenKilgariff

Everybody is a yukster on Twitter, but only a select few are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.

(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)

You know comedian, actress, musician and writer Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) from Mr. Show, but she doesn't flaunt that fact on Twitter. Even though appearing on one of the most critically acclaimed sketch shows of all time would automatically give you comedic street cred for one hundred years, Kilgariff uses a picture of Match Game panelist Brett Somers as her avatar with a bio that simply says "TV/VCR Repair" to go along with her funny words. The former head writer of Ellen Degeneres's daytime talk show might get back in the television game really soon.


Karen understands how layered certain Disney Channel shows can be.

"Nevermore." <---That's so raven.
@KarenKilgariff
Karen Kilgariff

Even though she's probably not caught up on Dog With A Blog.

For a second I felt bad for not keeping up with all the podcasts and new bands and TV shows and then I remembered everyone's on Adderall.
@KarenKilgariff
Karen Kilgariff

And doesn't watch Breaking Bad live.

While every single citizen of Los Angeles watches Breaking Bad tomorrow night, I will take to the empty streets, rollerblading in full gear.
@KarenKilgariff
Karen Kilgariff

Kilgariff knows how every commercial goes.

Just saw a commercial where a husband did a thing without hating his wife! I am crying!
@KarenKilgariff
Karen Kilgariff

Karen wasn't enthralled with the Olympics.

At dinner, my friend sincerely asked if any of us had Olympic fever and I got all teary-eyed because I'll never see him again.
@KarenKilgariff
Karen Kilgariff

Because they didn't use her idea.


But she hasn't lost any sleep over it.

Please go on about your sleep apnea. It's curing my insomnia.
@KarenKilgariff
Karen Kilgariff

She dreams big.

I dreamed about making coffee and then I woke up and made some. THANK YOU THE SECRET!
@KarenKilgariff
Karen Kilgariff

Kilgariff has a great idea for a podcast.

My podcast will be a supercut of the most awkward parts of your podcasts.
@KarenKilgariff
Karen Kilgariff

And for a music festival.

How about a music festival for those of us who aren't that into bands or going outside but who love Law & Order?
@KarenKilgariff
Karen Kilgariff

And for how to not make Hangover 3 predictable.

My thoughts and prayers go out to those poor writers and their Hangover 3 naked Prince Harry rewrite deadline.
@KarenKilgariff
Karen Kilgariff

She has other movies that those writers could work on instead.


Karen misses the good old days.

I miss getting drunk and telling people how to live their lives and then falling into a hedge.
@KarenKilgariff
Karen Kilgariff

When guys heard her talk shit about them.

"OH RELAX! HE CAN'T HEAR ME!" -every drunk person after you shush them for loudly talking shit about the guy right next to you
@KarenKilgariff
Karen Kilgariff

And when her evil pet was still alive.

I miss my dead asshole cat even though he scratched children and the innocent.
@KarenKilgariff
Karen Kilgariff

Kilgariff might gain a few pounds in the next week.

"This Halloween candy ain't gonna binge eat itself." I whispered shakily in my Flo from Alice accent.
@KarenKilgariff
Karen Kilgariff

But knows how to lose them.

Household Hint: To pick up shattered glass, use a slice of white bread!Diet Tip: For fast and easy weight loss, eat some glass bread!
@KarenKilgariff
Karen Kilgariff

Don't be offended if she hates your birthday; it's not her fault.

Facebook made me hate your birthday.
@KarenKilgariff
Karen Kilgariff

Or if it might take some time before you can visit her upstairs.

Meet the doorman who's deeply afraid of doors. #ThisAmericanLifeStories
@KarenKilgariff
Karen Kilgariff

Roger Cormier is looking further into a glass bread diet.

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