‘How I Met Your Mother’ Recap: “Who Wants to Be a Godparent?”

Aren’t we still in the promised Autumn of Break-Ups on How I Met Your Mother? The month of broken hearts, despair, endless tears, poor dietary choices, looking out the window through the raindrops, Mumford and Sons and more poor dietary choices? Why, with one more episode to go in October did we witness “Who Wants to Be a Godparent?”, an episode with a story that could have been told at any time this season? Where is my promised misery?

Instead, we had Marshall and Lily waltzing into MacLaren’s, content that for the first time in five months they can hang out with their friends and away from their newborn son Marvin. Unfortunately for Ted, Robin and Barney, they remembered that back in the season premiere that the married couple insisted to not hear any story from anyone that wasn’t under an “8” on an importance scale of 10. Figuring in their respective heads that none of their lives were worth talking about, they just smiled and said they were fine, just like every teenager’s day at school according to the family dinner minutes. Ted probably should have spoken up — Victoria told him her dad said Ted owes him $70,000 for ruining the wedding he paid for and that he isn’t “usually that funny like that.” Oh well. Since nothing was going on Marshall and Lily announced they were going to leave to be alone, just the two of them. After almost getting hit by a cab, they realized that they were immortal. Suckers. That immediately led to a legal guardian discussion about Marv. After lengthy arguments sped-up for our benefit that counted out their parents (“Fine! Marvin wont go to my loving mother!”, Mily settle on Marshall’s brother Marcus. He’s a family man. But what a coincidence – a phone call revealed that Marcus had ditched his wife and children to live the dream of being a mixologist at Carnalism 2.

Instead of attempting to talk his brother out of doing such a terrible thing, Marshall moved on to his own task of figuring out who will make sure Marvin wont die until he’s at least 18. Inevitably, after Barney and Robin scared Larshall silly about all of New York City’s dangers – the phrase “coroner’s paradise” was uttered – the other guys in the group tried to out top each other to prove that they would be the most fit to the task. Barney’s gag of continually singing children’s songs with sexual innuendos was only saved by Marshall closing, then opening the door again on the third iteration, feeling guilty and/or having his curiosity peaked to what the final line of verse to “Boobs on the Bus” can be. Ted and Robin kept purchasing increasingly bigger teddy bears. Robin went too far.

To get them to stop, Marshall invented a game show titled Who Wants to Be a Godparent? (Could have used an exclamation point IMO.) When he presented the game to Ted, Robin and Barney, he said they would play “right after a word from our sponsors.” “Why is he talking to the wall?” Ted asked. This is the second week in a row the fourth wall has been broken. You’re playing with fire, HIMYM.

The game boiled down to Ted, Robin and Barney answering questions posed to them by an enthusiastic Marshall about how they would tell Marvin about a devastating situation. All of the contestants’ answers came from predictable and steadfast points of view: Barney would turn Marvin into a ladies man; Robin would make him tough because her father was a cold hearted bastard; Ted would be kind and nurturing and insistent on knowledge of architecture to a fault. Sometimes the jokes landed, like the first and third times Ted’s puppet, Professor Infosaurus was featured. The Professor wasn’t creepy until I noticed that the puppet and Ted were in matching garb.

Also it’s a dinosaur that just happens to be wearing glasses. Sheep using a wolf’s prescription glasses. If it’s a carnivore it will eat you alive boy, eyewear and suit and all. If Marvin had a brain in that head of his he’d see right through that shit. But he doesn’t in Ted’s version of the hypothetical events, and Marshall and Lily must have agreed because Ted received the first point. The second point went to Robin, because she is loved and in a safe room and nobody wants to make her sadder than she was after reliving attending British Columbia Military School for Boys for a minor indiscretion. The third question involving the birds and the sexy bees made me lose even more respect for the Barnacle, who in order to get Marvin to truly understand sex would take a flight with him to Amsterdam in matching purple cashmere sweatsuits. George Costanza?  Ted and Professor Infosaurus would rap about it. Cringe worthy. “Don’t you need to have to have sex before you can teach it to someone?” Barney quipped. ” Professor Infosaurus also has a rap about bullies,” Ted meekly replied.  Robin flirted with Marshall, saying he’s a natural born stud so Marv would never have to be taught, which worked. During the lightning round, Barney’s teasing continued, implying that Ted would still need help in his love life years from now, and need a puppet to help ease the pain.

The competition got too heated for the host of Godparent?, who flatly said the contestants know nothing about being parents. In an uncharacteristically ubercondesending tone, Marshall said that he and Lily were sorry if they didn’t have time to “sit around the bar, listening to your silly little dating problems.” Babies are the “only important thing.” “Yikes.”

With four minutes left, Lily realized  she didn’t know what’s going on in any of Ted, Robin and Barney’s lives, and that was kind of messed up. “Do you think we’ve been crappy as friends lately?”  Yes. Stop loving your son so damn much. They went down to the bar and drank all night with their friends, revoking the 8 or higher rule. Ted and Victoria’s pop are “working on a payment plan with a very reasonable interest rate.” Still sounds fishy and bad news. Robin had lost a lady boner earlier when her boyfriend Nick didn’t have a normal hog but an eco friendly motorcycle that runs on corn, but she seemed content and raved about it getting 30 to 35 miles to the cob. Barney had sex with a 6.5. Good/bad for him I guess. Now they were all caught up. It was a great night until 5:13am. upstairs in the apartment when Marvin cried. Ted and Robin took careof it; Barney wordlessly left. Mily decided to make all three of them legal guardians.

Can you do that? Marshall is a lawyer, so I guess he’d know if you can or not. Lily explained that she wanted to “keep it in the family.” It wouldn’t have been wrong of you to “aww” at that, and then go back to wondering if having three legal guardians is allowed.

There’s nothing wrong with eschewing recurring storylines and stopping to enjoy a sandwich and play in the universe that you carefully cultivated for eight years, and “Godparent?” on paper read like an above average episode of HIMYM, revolving around one story involving all of the main characters, and better yet pitted some of them in actual competition with one another. It was just a bit of a momentum killer, and a small letdown after a great start to the “final”(?) season.

Things to Say to Get Out of Bow Hunting Class

“At least you won’t have to shave all your hair off and burn all your girly clothing in an oil drum while your dad watches through the flames.”

“As the only one here packing a vag, I’ve got a natural instinct for nurturing and crap like that!”

“Robin matters!”

“Maybe it’s for the best: Barney was pulling ahead.”

“Is that a bowling ball in a onesie?”

 Things to Ponder While Fashioning a Bong out of a Snorkel

Did you ever think you’d hear Marcus say anything in a Jamaican accent? Him hitting his head on something above his head was far more expected.

How great was Alyson Hannigan? The running gag of her crying every single time death was mentioned never got old, and it really sang with the line “Why would you even say it?!” Her using the stuffing from the ripped off arm of the teddy bear to wipe away her tears was an added bonus.

Marshall’s mic was not plugged in to anything, but he made it work.

Does Cleveland Indians middle reliever Vinnie Pestano know he was mentioned by T-Mose? Of course; it’s 2012.

Speaking of: since when is Ted a sports fan? Last week he was actually watching a Browns game, now he’s throwing out names of Indian players?  Is this all leading to a Kyle Irving cameo?

Roger Cormier thinks Professor Infosaurus symbolizes Ted Mosby’s id, but excised the three sentences explaining it.

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