Splitsider

Monday, November 26th, 2012

Don't Even Think About It, by Alex Pearson

Don’t even think about it. I would not sleep with you if we were the last two people on Earth.

Don’t even think about it. While I would feign interest in sleeping with you if we were two of the exactly last three people on Earth, that is just a tactic to sleep with the other last person on Earth and nothing more.

Now, if you and I were two of the last four or more people on Earth, I would not even feign interest in sleeping with you, because in those circumstances, I could feign interest in sleeping with one of the other people as a tactic of sleeping with the remaining other person(s). This of course allows me to avoid giving you even the temporary satisfaction of my falsely demonstrated interest in sleeping with you.

While it is true that you should not think about it because I would not sleep with you if we were the last two people on Earth, you should think about going on dates with me under the same circumstances, but only because there would be approximately 6,999,999,998 funerals for all the victims of whatever happened to everyone on Earth but you and me. Even if I am not attracted to you in the slightest, neither of us should suffer the embarrassment of going to all those funerals alone. But do not get any ideas; these hypothetical dates are purely for show. So don’t even think about going to any of these funerals with the intention of sleeping with me. That is an utterly despicable mindset for any funeral, regardless of how many people are left on Earth.

Don’t even think about whether I am thinking of sleeping with you. Even if that were the case, I still have no actual interest. Frankly, with all the recent death and destruction on Earth, I need something to distract myself. Why not sex? I am not going to think about sleeping with anyone else but you. No, not because I would eve sleep with you. Because everyone else is dead, you sicko.

Or maybe, with all the people responsible for the things I used to think about no longer on Earth, there are not many things around for me to think about anymore. I am just thinking of sleeping with you as an exercise to keep my brain active and healthy, in the same way I used to do Sudoku, a challenging numbers puzzle that used to come out in books, magazines, and newspapers before we lost all the people who produced books, magazines, and newspapers. And don’t you tell me not to even think about sleeping with you now that we are the last two people on Earth. Get your own thing.

Don’t even dream about sleeping with me. That is still thinking about it, just in your sleep. It should go without saying that you should not be thinking about it right before you go to sleep, which will make you dream about it. That violates my rule on several levels. In fact, just don’t sleep at all. I don’t like the slippery slope of you sleeping, even if it starts alone. Daydreams, however, are none of my business, and I shall make no attempt at influencing yours. Also, I happen to find those who daydream incredibly attractive. Please do not make me regret confiding that in you.

Don’t even think about it. I would not sleep with you if we were the last two people on Earth and you held a referendum while I was absent that resulted in "[you] sleeping with [me]" winning by only a single vote. Quorum in our new society is two voting members. I voted that rule into existence before the quorum was established while you were sleeping, alone like you always will. And before that, I made it illegal for you to even think of sleeping with me. I am the only person with veto power. And good luck trying to seduce me so I use it.

Don’t even think about it. I would not sleep with you if we were the last two people on Earth. However, if we were the only two people on a desert island, I would need more information. Is it a beautiful island? With perfect sunsets? I am not made of stone.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit to it, send an email to Becca O'Neal.

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  • Rick Mahoney

    Bravo! This is hilarious, was really fun to read.