Splitsider

Friday, November 30th, 2012

Follow Friday: @JohnRoderick

Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.

(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)

When John Roderick (@johnroderick) is not singing and playing lead guitar for The Long Winters, or answering Merlin Mann's phone calls on the funny and insightful Roderick on the Line podcast, or writing a monthly column for Reverb Monthly, he stays in the most dangerous hotels in the country.

Hilton Crystal City at National Airport should be renamed Toilet Barge of Mumbai Ashtray Debris, to really capture its essence. #dump
@johnroderick
john roderick

Someone just knocked on my hotel door saying they were "management" and were concerned about my tweets. Now I'm worried for my life!
@johnroderick
john roderick
They probably have a room for unhappy social media guests, where they kill them in the night with gas! I'm leaving via the window.
@johnroderick
john roderick
Just heard a walki-talki squawk by the elevators. Headed to the roof in silent running mode, wastebasket helmet, ice bucket lid shield.
@johnroderick
john roderick

Warning: This is the part when things got weird.

Kevin Costner just ran past me in a Naval Commander's uniform and I've killed two potential agents with my soap knife, a "woman" and "baby".
@johnroderick
john roderick
A man in a grey suit just approached me in the parking lot, said "Quit tweeting about Hilton" and then shot himself in the head. #hardcore
@johnroderick
john roderick
I hate DMing! Also, don't end a sentence with a preposition. "@: Please follow and DM a phone number that we can reach you at."
@johnroderick
john roderick

Never tell John that staying in a subpar hotel is a first world problem.

If you have time enough to say "first-world problems" to someone, you have time enough to go fuck yourself with a cactus.
@johnroderick
john roderick

Or that hotels used to be better.

Whatever historical period you're nostalgic for, one thing is certain: the consensus at the time was that life had gone to hell.
@johnroderick
john roderick

Roderick is skeptical of your motivations behind going to business school.

Used to be, people went into business when they had a good idea. Now, people study 'business', like "wanting to make money" is an idea.
@johnroderick
john roderick

He was gentle and understanding to those disappointed in the lack of a rapture.

Don't feel bad about it not being the Rapture. After all, math is hard and also religion is fake. #rapture
@johnroderick
john roderick

John is concerned that nerds are slacking off a bit.

Seriously, if all the nerds are playing ukuleles and drawing comix and making puppets, WHO'S DOING THE FUCKING SCIENCE?
@johnroderick
john roderick

Roderick knows what a two time Secretary of Defense is up to.

Somewhere right now Donald Rumsfeld is being a total prick to a waiter.
@johnroderick
john roderick

He has thought a lot about Sesame Street.

It's not that Bert was so uptight, it's just that Ernie's extroversion and need for constant companionship was taxing for Bert.
@johnroderick
john roderick

And Reservoir Dogs.

Maybe the "reservoir" in Reservoir Dogs is referring to the great pool of fellowship and human feeling at the core of the film.
@johnroderick
john roderick

John's tolerance on spiders varies on the situation.

My policy with house spiders is: Just hanging? Cool. Hanging where a girl can see you? Symbolic trip outside. Over my bed? Death.
@johnroderick
john roderick

Roderick thinks some of you are more talented than Kurt Cobain.

When someone says "Cobain wasn't that good of a guitarist" I always think, "Not compared to your black belt in masturbatory opinions".
@johnroderick
john roderick

He knows the secret to happiness.

Listen, being famous isn't going to solve all your problems. Only money can do that.
@johnroderick
john roderick

But isn't fully knowledgeable on tattoos.

Does the tattoo of a dreamcatcher on your arm trap your dreams and store them in your arm?I don't understand spirituality.
@johnroderick
john roderick


Roger Cormier wants to make piece with the spiders.

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