Splitsider

Friday, November 2nd, 2012

Follow Friday: @JustinShanes

Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard on Twitter, but only a select few are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you – the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.

(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)

In 2009, Justin Shanes was a third year law associate at Hogan & Hartson. Nowadays, he's a scribe on the Late Night with Jimmy Fallon program, which is good because it sounds like he wasn't the most loved employee in the law office.

The key to solving a paper jam in the copier is to immediately walk away and pretend you didn't notice it and never mention it to anyone.
@justinshanes
Justin Shanes

He managed just fine during Hurricane Sandy.

I'm in P'Zone A and it's DELICIOUS!!
@justinshanes
Justin Shanes

Fortunately Mr. Shanes developed his comedy chops on elevators.

I told a joke in the elevator. It worked on so many levels.
@justinshanes
Justin Shanes

And by noticing certain trends.

No girl thinks mosquitoes are attracted to her an average amount.
@justinshanes
Justin Shanes

Justin is empathetic to the plight of the Nigerian royalty.

If you're an actual Nigerian prince, asking friends for favors over email has to just suck.
@justinshanes
Justin Shanes

Shanes likes to share his thoughts with anyone who can read.

I like to write long, deeply personal letters to my friends and then put "OR CURRENT RESIDENT" after their name on the envelope.
@justinshanes
Justin Shanes

He writes tweets as funny as that time that McNulty and Bunk only said the word "fuck" during a five minute scene.

If you think dealing drugs in Baltimore is dangerous, try telling a white twenty-something that you haven't seen "The Wire."
@justinshanes
Justin Shanes

Justin is the father of a unique child.

Dry humped a girl last month. Now she's pregnant with a fully-clothed baby.
@justinshanes
Justin Shanes

Shanes isn't afraid to call out Bryan Greenberg.

People talk about the lack of diversity on "Girls," but remember that "How To Make It In America" didn't feature ONE pair of corduroys.
@justinshanes
Justin Shanes

He lives in such a nice neighborhood that his spiders are literate.

Just used a magazine to kill a spider. I gave it one of those Cosmo quizzes, and it hung itself.
@justinshanes
Justin Shanes

Justin is an adult and acts as such.

If you were to draw a Venn diagram of my "funny tweets" and my "mature tweets," it would look like two boobs.
@justinshanes
Justin Shanes

Shanes may not agree with you, but he will begrudgingly give you credit for committing to your opinion.

Just realized that Chick-fil-A's president is Dan Cathy. Jesus, even the dude's NAME is a marriage between a man and a woman.
@justinshanes
Justin Shanes

Like some of us, he kept Circuit City afloat in the early 00s.

8 yrs later, that stack of 50 recordable CDs sitting in my drawer doesn't seem like such a "hot" deal after all. Fool me once, Circuit City…
@justinshanes
Justin Shanes

Justin is courteous on the subway, to a fault.

Pregnant women really hate when I offer them my subway seat when they're not pregnant.
@justinshanes
Justin Shanes

Shanes' humor isn't loved by network executives.

Wrote a pilot about a microphone that moves next to a loudspeaker. Been getting terrible feedback.
@justinshanes
Justin Shanes

He doesn't have the right light bulb.

Putting a 100-watt bulb into this 60-watt lamp because a) I'm lazy, and b) fuck this orphanage.
@justinshanes
Justin Shanes

Justin watches too much television.

Saw a crazy lightning bolt out my window & had the instinctive, split-second thought to rewind it on my DVR. I'd cry if I still had a soul.
@justinshanes
Justin Shanes

Shanes did not send that email to Laura.

My email account was hacked. So if you got a msg about how I miss you and wanna get back together, disregard it Laura. I mean, everyone.
@justinshanes
Justin Shanes

He does not listen to Harris Wittels' Analyze Phish podcast.

Teach a man to Phish, he'll annoy the shit out of everyone for a lifetime.
@justinshanes
Justin Shanes

Justin has ruined envelopes forever.

The creepiest thing for an envelope to say while you're licking it is, "Looowerrr." But also, like, literally anything.
@justinshanes
Justin Shanes

Roger Cormier borrowed a Phish CD from his local public library in 2002, just to hear what all the jokes were about.