Splitsider

Friday, November 16th, 2012

Follow Friday: @SquirrelJustice

Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist. 

(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)

There's very little to know about Nikki, a.k.a. @squirreljustice. An old twitter bio claims her to be a "writer", "videographer" and "horrible person," but what else is there to know about the vigilante for rodents? For one thing, she's not just a horrible person – she's a horrible pet owner.

It makes me depressed to know that I don't really have a stegosaurus, but rather a very pissed off cat with Doritos superglued to his back.

Nikki likes to spice things up when she uses her loom.

Oh what a tangled web we weave when we ingest a bunch of opiates and try to operate a loom.

Or when she's doing whatever.

Does anybody know how long PCP lasts? Asking for a Gila Monster sitting at my kitchen table.

She goes to the world's worst deli.

Theoretically, you can't really complain if there's a pubic hair on your everything bagel.

Squirrel Justice isn't afraid to shatter illusions.

Guess what overeaters? You're not anonymous.

There are some nuts Squirrel Justice can't crack.

Hey pistachio with the shell welded shut, I know you've been hurt before, but I just want to love you. Let me in, Boo.

She wants to add some store bought flavor to Anne Geddes' portfolio.

I wonder if I'm too old to have Anne Geddes come over and take pictures of me sleeping in a giant bowl of Hamburger Helper.

Some people will be more uncomfortable when Skynet becomes self-aware than others.

When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you're nowhere near a dildo factory.

Nikki might not be in the best of shape.

Just did 3 awkward sit-ups trying to get off my couch. I'll probably just pound a Gatorade and call it a day.
Was thinking about ordering P90X, but I just had to take a knee midway through peeling a potato, so maybe I'll just go lie down instead.

She is more of a mustard person.

I will cut you out of my life forever if I see you squirting ketchup directly on your fries.

Squirrel Justice is a sore loser.

It sucks when one of my Facebook friends beats my Bejeweled score and I'm forced to bring up their 9th grade abortion.

Nikki knows how to bring America together.

We're never going to heal as a nation until girls quit sneezing like kitty cats.

And how Steve Buschemi can raise money for charity.

I am prepared to pay in the neighborhood of $6 to watch Steve Buscemi eat corn on the cob old school typewriter-style.

Nikki is cat nip to old ladies.

I'm wearing a burqa, fencing mask, & a welding helmet while reading a book on cannibalism & an old lady on the bus still wants to chat.

She *really* hates Nickelback.

My washer broke & I'm grossed out thinking about washing my clothes in a laundromat washer that may have had a Nickelback shirt in it.

And knows a little too much about Fleetwood Mac.

Bet y'all didn't know that Stevie Nick's vagina is also a fog machine.

Squirrel Justice needs to see your Spotify before confirming you're a pothead.

Please don't bother calling yourself a pothead unless you have a playlist specifically for eating Hot Pockets.

You cannot see her.

This cop is going to look like such a dumbass trying to give me a field sobriety test while I'm invisible.

Roger Cormier is going to try that invisible trick next time.