Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.
(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)
Aaron Fullerton (@AaronFullerton) is a writer for the yet-to-be-aired USA series Graceland. He made news last week when he announced that he has testicular cancer, and is going to try his best to find all of the humor behind it. Fullerton set up the tumblr Aaron Laughs With Cancer to document the process. We all wish him the best of luck and a full, healthy recovery.
Aaron continues to find a lot of humor on twitter, where he has revealed a lot about himself over the past couple of years. Like the fact that he isn't good with leaving voice mail messages.
I've never left a voicemail after which I thought: "That was a winner."
He doesn't seem to be a fan of receiving voice messages either.
"Are you completely sure this isn't textable?" -the perfect voicemail prompt
Aaron doesn't pick things up that quickly.
So glad my face doesn't have a progress bar that shows how much I'm understanding what other people are saying.
Yet isn't tolerant of other slow learners.
"Don't ask me again" is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
He wouldn't trust Taylor Swift.
"What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I'm saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!" -anyone dating Taylor Swift
Fullerton likes his car trips to seem as epic and pay cable-y as possible.
Every time I use Google Maps, I want to set it to "'Game of Thrones' Opening Credits Mode."
Aaron likes to ruin Kelly Clarkson songs if you haven't tired of them yet.
"What doesn't kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
If Fullerton wrote Kelly Clarkson songs, he wouldn't let Ryan Murphy have them.
The best part about writing a hit song has gotta be telling Glee that they can't use it.
And they wouldn't come off as inspirational as they sometimes attempt to be.
The way you work it is ok, I guess. Some diggity.
Seeing dated crap dangling from a rear-view mirror makes him nervous.
"911? I'd like to report a suspicious cab in the area... the license plate is F-R-E-S-H... there's dice in the mirror... yes, that is rare."
Aaron doesn't think much of men with dragon tattoos.
Funny how The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is so cool but The Guy With the Dragon Tattoo never shuts up about his one semester in Thailand.
Or much of a winter holiday.
Ha ha, stupid Mayans and their silly calendar that predicts-- oh wait, hold on, the magic groundhog is about to ordain about the seasons.
But at least he wants to improve upon a different national institution.
"Fin." (how Shark Week should end)
He knows how to earn the respect of millions.
Did you know you can actually WIN Instagram by taking a picture of your feet next to your dinner at sunset?
Fullerton had a great idea to promote Taken 2.
"Is this seat... Taken? Haha no I'm just joshin' but seriously I'm gonna sit here." -Liam Neeson at movie theaters, all the time I hope
Aaron knows who the saddest porn star in the world is.
A porn star named Cujo Elm would have the worst life story ever.
And the biggest cad in the oceans.
"Sorry, baby. It's cuttle with a T." -cuttlefish, leaving right after sex
Aaron is a better screenwriter than Damon Lindelof.
I hope Prometheus ends with them finding the fossils of all the characters from Space Jam.
Fullerton can hear deceased bears.
"Humans fornicating by a warm fireplace? Over my dead body!" -bear