Splitsider

Friday, December 14th, 2012

Follow Friday: Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene)

Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.

(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)

Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) is an actress that has starred in humorous Funny or Die shorts and is a member of the improv group Private Street. But she is not very happy.

STILL GOT IT! (Depression.)
@charstarlene
Charlene deGuzman

Despite having a cool, unique zoo experience.

"I would rather die than be ordinary!" I shouted. "Please get off the giraffe," security repeated.
@charstarlene
Charlene deGuzman

It doesn't seem like marriage would help.

I can't wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
@charstarlene
Charlene deGuzman

Right now anyone willing to bail her out of jail would be enough.

If I see a man with flowers, I grab them and yell, "Everything dies!" and run away and I need you to pick me up from the police station.
@charstarlene
Charlene deGuzman
Girl likes boy. Boy doesn't like girl. Girl runs off with other boy. Girl is trapped in a cult. I need you to pick me up in Allentown, PA.
@charstarlene
Charlene deGuzman

Then Charlene wouldn't look like she was fueling up her car.

I can't decide which is sadder - orphans, or the faces we make while pumping gas.
@charstarlene
Charlene deGuzman

She is consumed with jealousy.

Dogs are so lucky they can commit suicide with chocolate.
@charstarlene
Charlene deGuzman

deGuzman has standards.

Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic, but I can't orgasm until I've seen you properly handle "it's" and "its".
@charstarlene
Charlene deGuzman

So don't be discouraged.

Sorry I cartwheeled away when you asked me out.
@charstarlene
Charlene deGuzman

If you have decent grammar skills, she might even clean her apartment for you.

Sorry my apartment is so messy, I haven't been having sex with anyone.
@charstarlene
Charlene deGuzman

But one drawer will not be emptied out.

Someday I will disappoint a burglar with my one drawer of Taco Bell mild sauce packets.
@charstarlene
Charlene deGuzman

Things might end poorly. And sarcastically.

"This is exactly why we can't be friends," he said, furiously putting on his pants, as I continued to slow clap naked from the bed.
@charstarlene
Charlene deGuzman

Which would make everything really uncomfortable.

If a conversation gets uncomfortable, I just slowly slide into the splits.
@charstarlene
Charlene deGuzman

Charlene knows what she wants.

I just want to eat pizza in bed and tell a long line of people who think they're models that they aren't models.
@charstarlene
Charlene deGuzman

She is currently in the holiday spirit.

My therapist just opened up an email account specifically for me. Merry Christmas!
@charstarlene
Charlene deGuzman

With a little help.

an advent calendar but with anxiety meds
@charstarlene
Charlene deGuzman

deGuzman sees the true meaning of money.

$ = that one night S got wasted and killed it on the stripper pole
@charstarlene
Charlene deGuzman

Charlene starts her days the same way.

Most of my internet activity begins with "Let's check out what this asshole's up to."
@charstarlene
Charlene deGuzman

And sometimes her investigations last all through the night.

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don't wanna have to explain why I'm in your 'Random Party Pics 08' album at 4am.
@charstarlene
Charlene deGuzman

She's just misunderstood, like Anais Nin.

"I don't know why, some people fill the gaps and others emphasize my loneliness -Anais Nin." "Who is your emergency contact?" he repeated.
@charstarlene
Charlene deGuzman
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  • not char's real life friend

    i love her she's really funny in real life too