Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.
(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)
According to her twitter profile, Mary Kobayashi (@MaryKoCo) is a fan of salt and secrets, but is not a big supporter of headlights or decisions. That sounds like more than enough information to me, but if you want to know more about Mary you just need to read her amusing tweets to get to know her better. For starters, we know through Twitter that she's got some sweet pick up lines.
Are you a signed document cause i wanna date u
Mary can always get a date.
People who "can't" get a date, how hard is it to say "Omg I got locked out of my apartment" or "My sister tried to kill herself again"
It's probably best to not respond to a late night text from her.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Apparently some people have already taken my advice.
Girl are you my Programs Running because you are Not Responding
You should be weary of any refreshments she offers.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it's almost not worth it
Mary has a great idea for a television show.
So You Think You Can Dance Around A Sensitive Subject
And for a can't miss, huge box office smash.
She does not think highly of walkers.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It's like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Mary understands the appeal of Twitter.
The good thing about Twitter is that if you have a good personality, there is someone with a better personality who is also funnier than you
And that sometimes it can cause a lot of pain.
If I've "mentioned" you on twitter and you didn't reply, guess who turned the diorama of our first date around so it's facing the wall now
She is hungry.
I'm so hungry I could like eight pictures of food on Instagram
Maybe too often.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm pregnant and then I realize I would have to be like 19 months pregnant
Kobayashi really loves baby owls.
What do baby owls eat besides all of my attention?
Because horses have misleading names.
Seabiscuit? More like Landhorse
Mary plans to pass along her love of language to her offspring.
If I ever have a kid it's always gonna be like, "Mom you look so beautiful" because guess what those are the only words it knows #homeschool
Her kids will probably have gym memberships.
Everyone has physical flaws. The trick is confidence. Wait, I mean, getting rid of them. Get rid of them
She is a hard worker.
She has met JGL.
"Just injecting a little Joseph Gordon-Levity into the situation" - Joseph Gordon-Levitt, entering a party dead sober
And has at one point been married to a lawyer.
"I rest my case." - Lawyer setting down a little case on his pillow next to his wife
Mary likes bad boys.
Forget tattoos and a motorcycle, I want a guy who doesn't have a case on his iPhone
But don't tell her mother that.
Every tweet should have a signature. Mind would be, "Jk Mom"