Splitsider

Friday, January 4th, 2013

Follow Friday: @DanGuterman

Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist. 

(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)

Dan Guterman is one of those people that write funny things and show other people what they wrote. His work has appeared in The New Yorker, McSweeney's and The Onion, where he was the head writer. Currently, Guterman is a part of The Colbert Report writing staff and is on drugs.

I don't need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure spring, fall asleep, and maintain an erection.
@danguterman
dan guterman

He is a procrastinator.

Going to look up what Carpe Diem means tomorrow.
@danguterman
dan guterman

But can get really motivated.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single "fuck this."
@danguterman
dan guterman

Dan is incredibly self-centered.

Honestly, I don't understand what the big deal is about things that don't affect me personally.
@danguterman
dan guterman

And impatient.

This möbius stripper is taking forever.
@danguterman
dan guterman

And intolerant of your help.

TIP: A common grammatical mistake is confusing "there" and "thinking strangers want your grammatical advice."
@danguterman
dan guterman

Even though he didn't have the best education.

Remember how your teachers would drink in the staff lounge, only it was just one teacher, and she drank all day, and you were homeschooled?
@danguterman
dan guterman

Not even close to the best.

Hate it when people act all superior just because they went to Yale, and know what a fork is, and aren't terrified of the moon.
@danguterman
dan guterman

He did learn some history.

And economics.

Every time a child goes missing Kinkos must be like "Cha-Ching!"
@danguterman
dan guterman

But not how to read a map.

Tried going to the Sigmund Freud Museum, but accidentally drove to my Mom's house instead.
@danguterman
dan guterman

Nor did he acquire the vast vocabulary of the eskimos.

Did you know Eskimos will eventually have 50 words for grass?
@danguterman
dan guterman

Dan barely leaves his house.

Anyone know of a good agoraphobia treatment center in my bedroom?
@danguterman
dan guterman

After a weird trip to Utah.

Road trip through Utah. Just stopped off at a cute little Mom & Mom & Mom & Mom & Pop Shop.
@danguterman
dan guterman

And a taxing Ikea experience.

This IKEA joke may be cheap, but it still took me hours to figure out how to set up.
@danguterman
dan guterman

He's always on his phone.

Ever wonder what's going on in that big blurry area around your iPhone? Me neither.
@danguterman
dan guterman

He does not respect the Deceptive Arts.

A good magician never reveals what he does for a living.
@danguterman
dan guterman

But dammit if he doesn't respect Cool Runnings.

There are 3 basic storytelling conflicts. Jamaican Bobsled Team vs Man. Jamaican Bobsled Team vs Nature. Jamaican Bobsled Team vs Self.
@danguterman
dan guterman
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