Splitsider

Friday, January 11th, 2013

Follow Friday: @MattGoldich

Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.

(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)

Matt Goldich (@MattGoldich) is a stand-up who has written for The Ellen DeGeneres Show and Late Show with David Letterman. He is currently writing funny things for the upcoming Comedy Central series The Jeselnik Offensive. He does not appreciate good music.

Kenny G's wife has filed for separation. Uh-oh. You know what that means: Kenny G solo.
@MattGoldich
Matt Goldich

And doesn't want to hear your Live covers.

Neil Armstrong dies, Snooki has a kid. Today is like "Lightning Crashes" covered by LMFAO and Rascal Flatts.
@MattGoldich
Matt Goldich

Or anything by Sir Paul McCartney post Flaming Pie.

Paul McCartney: "I wrote this song for my wife!" Crowd: "Whooo!" McCartney: "No, the third one." Crowd: "Boooooooo!"
@MattGoldich
Matt Goldich

But would probably give a very young artist a listen.

Adele's unborn child was just nominated for 12 Grammys.
@MattGoldich
Matt Goldich

He knows what gets Michael Bay excited.

Michael Bay must be excited that Pearl Harbor Day and Armageddon Day are the same month this year.
@MattGoldich
Matt Goldich

Goldich's mother thinks her son can do better.

A 24-year-old won a Pulitzer Prize, according to a depressing e-mail from your mother.
@MattGoldich
Matt Goldich

Just like Matt thinks Nobel Prize winners can do better.

Congrats to the two Americans who won the Nobel Prize in economics. And thanks a lot for all your help with the U.S. economy.
@MattGoldich
Matt Goldich

He knows his math.

Lance Armstrong now has more testicles than Tour de France titles.
@MattGoldich
Matt Goldich

Goldich can always fall back on a career in producing newscasts.

At the end of any news story, Sarah Palin's opinion is tacked on like a video of a dog surfing at the end of the local news.
@MattGoldich
Matt Goldich

He inspires all aspiring comedians out there.

Upcoming SNL hosts: Justin Bieber & Adam Levine. Ryan Lochte is getting his own show on E! Seriously, though, keep hitting the open mikes!
@MattGoldich
Matt Goldich

Matt is happy for Seth MacFarlane.

Congrats to Seth MacFarlane on living out the alternate ending of Season 3 of Louie.
@MattGoldich
Matt Goldich

And for Lady Gaga.

Lady Gaga turns 26 today. Now she's old enough that Madonna can stop feeding her by chewing up her music and spitting it into her mouth.
@MattGoldich
Matt Goldich

But questions what a Carly Rae Jepsen actually is.

Carly Rae Jepsen is not the name of a pop star. It's the name of a high school teacher who marries her student or a mom who drowns her kids.
@MattGoldich
Matt Goldich

He is possibly paying too much for anti-virus protection.

Anti-virus pioneer John McAfee wanted for murder. Could face a year in prison renewed annually at $39.99.
@MattGoldich
Matt Goldich

Goldich and Mitt Romney had a fun relationship.

Equal pay for women: important issue for Mitt Romney. Female show horses win an average of 72% of the prize money that male show horses win.
@MattGoldich
Matt Goldich
Romney refusing to pull out. It's how he ended up with five sons.
@MattGoldich
Matt Goldich
Mitt Romney wants to label China a currency manipulator. The labels will be made in China.
@MattGoldich
Matt Goldich

The Republican Convention was first because you can't be that white after Labor Day.
@MattGoldich
Matt Goldich

The time they had together was hard to put a price on.

Inventor of the bar code dies at 91. Several burial attempts will be made before a manager is called to enter him into the ground manually.
@MattGoldich
Matt Goldich