Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.
(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)
Emily Donahue (@seriouslyemily) claims on her twitter bio that "when i dip you dip we dip", thus fulfilling Freak Nasty's prophecy. When she is not doing what mid nineties hip hop music tells her to do, Emily is usually reading.
My two favorite long novels are "Don Quixote" and "The Menu from The Cheesecake Factory."
She has a specific taste in men.
I like my men like I like my packets of instant oatmeal: Chunky and knowledgeable with facts about dinosaurs."
And is specific in what she lets them do.
A bird just crapped on my chest like he was my freaking boyfriend or something!
Emily's car insurance is probably expensive.
My "Honk If You're Horny" bumper sticker only seems to work if I slam on the brakes for no reason.
Which might be why she can't afford health insurance.
I can't afford health insurance. RT @ Had a late night chiropractor apt then massage. Can't wait to sleep in tomorrow!
Christmas isn't always fun for her.
I'm pissed that I got a sweater for Christmas when I explicitly asked for a biter and a cuddler.
Maybe next time she should talk to someone else.
I wonder how many Christmas lists Satan gets from all the dyslexic kids.
Donahue's laptop sounds fun.
I'd be calmer defusing a bomb after four Red Bulls than watching someone else use my laptop.
Emily is magic.
When I become pregnant I'm going to will myself into having a puppy! Thanks Rep.Todd Akin!
She isn't afraid to talk about America's more shameful moments.
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And polio. And people finding out I married my cousin." - Franklin Delano Roosevelt
An award show winning an award at another award show is why other countries want to kill us.
Emily knows that if you say to someone that you think you should go "on a break" and then the handsy girl from the Xerox place is all over you, it is okay to sleep with her.
After 15 years of deep thinking, I agree with Ross that they were on a break.
She can see into a woman's past.
This girls skirt is so short I can see how many times her dad missed a dance recital from here.
A girl on Toddlers & Tiaras is named Maybre. Her Mom was clearly thinking "Will she grow up to be a stripper? Maybre, but probabry."
She likes to play it cool.
Deleting an @ reply when the other person doesn't write back is the "I wasn't waving at you, I'm just scratching my head" of Twitter.
Donahue is "The Fixer."
"Someone give me 9,245 used grocery bags from under a kitchen sink or this planetarium is going to explode!" - My time to shine
She yields to nobody.
A yield sign is just a mumbling stop sign.
Never ask her if milk was a bad choice.
If a friend says their new boyfriend is "SO HILARIOUS" I just prepare myself for conversations based around Family Guy and Anchorman quotes.
She believes that Mary J. Blige was, in fact, was the drama instigator.
"Ugh I HATE drama!!" - someone who starts drama
Consult her before consuming your comfort snacks.
The correct algorithm to find the serving size of Doritos is your height divided by your sad.