Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.
(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment. Shape up google reader.)
Eireann Michael Dolan (@EireannDolan) is according to her twitter bio "a cartoon." She has not been practicing her handwriting.
If a mugger ever asks me to draw an uppercase cursive Q or he'll shoot, tell my family I died a hero who struggled with basic literacy.
She is more comfortable with spoken word.
Let me teach you a little something about speaking condescendingly
Maybe too comfortable.
That's so funny; That same thing happened to me except now it's me talking
Eireann has purchased a lot of eucalyptus leaves.
If you're in a pet store and you see the cutest little baby koala, just remember: they grow up, and you are in an illegal pet store
She has a lot of fun with her iPad.
My only requirement of a boyfriend: must laugh EVERY SINGLE TIME I hold my iPad up to my ear to pretend I'm a tiny person on the phone
She is not the best at weddings.
"Webster's Dictionary defines 'Susan' as 'Not my real mom and never will be'..." - Opening line of the toast I'm giving at my dad's wedding
Dolan was one of the first people to know about the Nero snowstorm.
I'm not the most outgoing at a party but I'm great at smirking at my phone's weather app pretending I'm getting funny texts from friends
She'll make you think the singer of Dishwalla was maybe kind of a dick.
Ever hear someone casually refer to god as "she" like they don't want it to be a big deal but you can tell they want it to be a HUGE deal?
Eireann doesn't get no respect.
I should've learned from prison and killed the funniest person on my first day so that the rest of Twitter would respect me
She rides a bike.
My only fitness goal is to look less like the only reason I'm on a bike is because I got a DUI
She wants to be your best friend.
Needed: 1 Best Friend. Must be willing to point at gross men on the street and say "Haha check out your new boyfriend!" with me FOR HOURS
Mentioning anything spider related may make her uncomfortable.
As a kid I wasn't so much "straight" or "gay" as I was "aroused by that scene in Charlotte's Web when Templeton eats garbage at the fair"
One good way to rip me off at Jiffy Lube is to tell me everything needs to be replaced because spiders.
Dolan has a few regrets.
What would I do with a time machine? EASY: Go back and undo every time I mimed out finger guns along to M.I.A.'s "Paper Planes"
Her press pass is written in pencil (sloppily).
Mr Obama any opinion on Nicki Minaj endorsing Romney? IRRELEVANT you say? Who let me IN you ask? I'm holding 5 Sharpies not a mic you say???
Don't bother Eireann with your old pick up lines.
"Did it hurt when I what??? Well, heaven is a human construct so your question is flawed. I'm Eireann by the way. Yes I'm always like this."
Because she has got a better one for you.
Daaaamn girl is your name Katrina because my lower 9th just flooded
And she knows where your mind is anyway.
Definitely the hardest part of having red hair is knowing that every single person I interact with is wondering about my pubes.
Her actual name is Jarvis.
A girl yelled out "Jarvis" on the street. I turned around. When she looked at me weird I said "Oh my name is also Jarvis." I'm Jarvis now.
Jarvis is suspicious.
1 out of every 2 people suffers from chronic suspicion; could it be the person you're with right now??
Jarvis is a college graduate.
When the same song comes on 2 different radio stations I switch back and forth hoping they'll sync up how are YOU using your college degree?