Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.
(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)
Zoë Klar (@madamezooble) would like to welcome you to Urban Outfitters.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
She is a dignified woman.
I like the way you jerk it. No dignity.
Always the optimist.
Maybe I'm the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I may not be "model" pretty but I'm definitely "girl who raps on TV about online college" pretty.
Until she makes unfair comparisons.
Sometimes I think I'm pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
She is a thoughtful driver.
If the game Frogger was more realistic, those cars would be furiously trying to avoid the giant frog that occupies an entire lane.
With a possibly dark past.
But a definitely bright future.
Just did that thing when you're walking next to a homeless man and you hold hands for a second to see if he'd make a good father.
Or maybe not.
Does the five second rule apply to this 70 year old woman that just fell down on the sidewalk?
Zoë has noticed Lil' Jon's influence on contemporary children's programming.
To the window, to the wall, to the sweat drop down my balls, this is a weird episode of Dora the Explorer.
She seems to be more of a Shakira fan.
Shakira would have the most beautiful seizure.
And not so much into Linkin Park.
I want Linkin Park to play at my funeral because in the end it doesn't even matter.
Klar doesn't trust Eminem.
I want another rapper's perspective on Eminem's mom.
She does not appreciate the beautiful simplicity of a certain country's flag.
"Who the fuck cares?"- Meeting about the design of Japan's flag.
She knows that having the right insurance plan is very important.
The doctor from "No More Monkeys Jumping on the Bed" is undoubtedly the worst doctor of all time.
Zoë was a rock star in high school.
I wasn't a cheerleader in high school but I did eat dryer lint for 5 dollars once.
She was too busy to rip off the bicycle.
"Is this a fucking joke?" - inventor of the bicycle looking at a unicycle
Or to help out Yoplait.
Yoplait's slogan is "It is good." They were debating between that and "It is yogurt."
She hasn't seen many moosen.
I think the plural of moose is "woah, more than one moose."
Klar provides advice about Mariah Carey, which is always useful.
When watching Mariah Carey sing, make sure you look at her hands so you know how high the note is.
I feel really bad for the dogs in antidepressant ads.
Unless you eat pizza the wrong way.
It sucks that people who eat pizza with a fork and knife won't choke on their pizza.