Splitsider

Friday, February 22nd, 2013

Follow Friday: @madamezooble

Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.

(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)

Zoë Klar (@madamezooble) would like to welcome you to Urban Outfitters.

Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
@madamezooble
Zoë Klar

She is a dignified woman.

I like the way you jerk it. No dignity.
@madamezooble
Zoë Klar

Always the optimist.

Maybe I'm the good kind of fat like an avocado.
@madamezooble
Zoë Klar

I may not be "model" pretty but I'm definitely "girl who raps on TV about online college" pretty.
@madamezooble
Zoë Klar

Until she makes unfair comparisons.

Sometimes I think I'm pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
@madamezooble
Zoë Klar

She is a thoughtful driver.

If the game Frogger was more realistic, those cars would be furiously trying to avoid the giant frog that occupies an entire lane.
@madamezooble
Zoë Klar

With a possibly dark past.


But a definitely bright future.

Just did that thing when you're walking next to a homeless man and you hold hands for a second to see if he'd make a good father.
@madamezooble
Zoë Klar

Or maybe not.

Does the five second rule apply to this 70 year old woman that just fell down on the sidewalk?
@madamezooble
Zoë Klar

Zoë has noticed Lil' Jon's influence on contemporary children's programming.

To the window, to the wall, to the sweat drop down my balls, this is a weird episode of Dora the Explorer.
@madamezooble
Zoë Klar

She seems to be more of a Shakira fan.

Shakira would have the most beautiful seizure.
@madamezooble
Zoë Klar

And not so much into Linkin Park.

I want Linkin Park to play at my funeral because in the end it doesn't even matter.
@madamezooble
Zoë Klar

Klar doesn't trust Eminem.

I want another rapper's perspective on Eminem's mom.
@madamezooble
Zoë Klar

She does not appreciate the beautiful simplicity of a certain country's flag.

"Who the fuck cares?"- Meeting about the design of Japan's flag.
@madamezooble
Zoë Klar

She knows that having the right insurance plan is very important.

The doctor from "No More Monkeys Jumping on the Bed" is undoubtedly the worst doctor of all time.
@madamezooble
Zoë Klar

Zoë was a rock star in high school.

I wasn't a cheerleader in high school but I did eat dryer lint for 5 dollars once.
@madamezooble
Zoë Klar

She was too busy to rip off the bicycle.

"Is this a fucking joke?" - inventor of the bicycle looking at a unicycle
@madamezooble
Zoë Klar

Or to help out Yoplait.

Yoplait's slogan is "It is good." They were debating between that and "It is yogurt."
@madamezooble
Zoë Klar

She hasn't seen many moosen.

I think the plural of moose is "woah, more than one moose."
@madamezooble
Zoë Klar

Klar provides advice about Mariah Carey, which is always useful.

When watching Mariah Carey sing, make sure you look at her hands so you know how high the note is.
@madamezooble
Zoë Klar

Zoë empahizes.

I feel really bad for the dogs in antidepressant ads.
@madamezooble
Zoë Klar

Unless you eat pizza the wrong way.

It sucks that people who eat pizza with a fork and knife won't choke on their pizza.
@madamezooble
Zoë Klar
  • Eliza Bayne

    Zoe is the BEST!!!!