Splitsider

Friday, February 1st, 2013

Follow Friday: @vladchoc

Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.

(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)

vladchoc (@vladchoc) is a funny gentleman but he is not happy.

I don't need alcohol to have a good time. I never have a good time.
@vladchoc
vladchoc

It might be because he is hung up on someone.

Stephanie, I am out to lunch. If the Sims I trapped in this bedroom finally fall in love page me IMMEDIATELY. Yes, I know they look like us.
@vladchoc
vladchoc

And he seems incapable of getting together with anyone else.

Damn, girl. Look at you. Want to go to the Jim later? My name is Jim. Are you familiar with homophones? Allow me to explain.
@vladchoc
vladchoc
Hey, girl. Was your dad a crab? Because I just wanna crack those buttery legs and am not sure what to do with the rest of you.
@vladchoc
vladchoc
Damn, girl. You must be a Blu-ray copy of Babe 2 Pig In The City because I can't take my eyes off your special features.
@vladchoc
vladchoc

It is too bad since he knows what he is doing in the bedroom.

89% of lovemaking playlists are three Creed songs followed by the Super Mario time-is-running-out speedup theme. FACT.
@vladchoc
vladchoc

vladchoc even smells good!

The hardest part about being a man is deciding whether you want your armpits to smell like mountains or ocean.
@vladchoc
vladchoc

Not everybody does, unfortunately.

If someone has bad breath, drop subtle hints like offering gum or wiping poo in a sock puppet's mouth and repeating everything they say.
@vladchoc
vladchoc

He has a short fuse when it comes to a dirty kitchen.

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
@vladchoc
vladchoc

Vlad did not have the best grandparents.

Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of "Didn't Make Me Any Cookies Weekly" again. "What good is she to anyone?" it says.
@vladchoc
vladchoc
It's like my grandpa always said: "*complete silence* *sips beer* *stares at some old Western on TV*".
@vladchoc
vladchoc

Communication remains to be an issue.

What we have here is failure to communicate. No, hang on. Ok, no. It's a dog. Sorry, I didn't see the tail. What we have here is a dog.
@vladchoc
vladchoc

Vlad has written a better version of Rock of Ages probably.

Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell "leopard" and "deaf" correctly. You're going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
@vladchoc
vladchoc

But remains unemployed.

For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say "Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?"
@vladchoc
vladchoc

Vlad has probably eaten at least one snake.

Be careful out there, guys. Snakes sound a LOT like sizzling fajitas.
@vladchoc
vladchoc

He is lonely.

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don't need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
@vladchoc
vladchoc
Ready to feel old? When was the last time a friend asked you to go out? No, wait. That's not old. That's lonely. Ready to feel both at once?
@vladchoc
vladchoc

And constantly disappointed.

Please be Gwyneth Paltrow's head. Please oh please. Nope. Book. Please be Gwyneth Paltrow's head. Please oh please. Nope. M&Ms.
@vladchoc
vladchoc

Possibly suicidal.

So weird how when people die and become ghosts their outfits die as well and become ghost clothes. The afterlife is modest and practical.
@vladchoc
vladchoc

But no way will Vlad leave this mortal coil by illegal bear attack.

If a bear attacks you, they are legally obligated to identify themselves to you as a bear. There is paperwork involved. Know your rights.
@vladchoc
vladchoc

And he hates Becky more than himself.

Stop the hate. Now start the hate back up. Now stop. Now just the girls. Now everyone but Becky. Everyone hate Becky! Haha. Finally.
@vladchoc
vladchoc

The same goes for the zoo.

Hey! Let's go to the zoo and check out some seriously depressed Orangutans. Ooh! Expensive Coke machines! Am I in heaven?
@vladchoc
vladchoc
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  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jimmy-Callaway/688820056 Jimmy Callaway

    Jesus Christ, these nearly brought me to tears. Of joy. Kinda.

  • Dirk

    Funny as H, this guy. But he hasn't included enough minorities in his Tweets.