Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.
(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)
vladchoc (@vladchoc) is a funny gentleman but he is not happy.
I don't need alcohol to have a good time. I never have a good time.
It might be because he is hung up on someone.
Stephanie, I am out to lunch. If the Sims I trapped in this bedroom finally fall in love page me IMMEDIATELY. Yes, I know they look like us.
And he seems incapable of getting together with anyone else.
Damn, girl. Look at you. Want to go to the Jim later? My name is Jim. Are you familiar with homophones? Allow me to explain.
Hey, girl. Was your dad a crab? Because I just wanna crack those buttery legs and am not sure what to do with the rest of you.
Damn, girl. You must be a Blu-ray copy of Babe 2 Pig In The City because I can't take my eyes off your special features.
It is too bad since he knows what he is doing in the bedroom.
89% of lovemaking playlists are three Creed songs followed by the Super Mario time-is-running-out speedup theme. FACT.
vladchoc even smells good!
The hardest part about being a man is deciding whether you want your armpits to smell like mountains or ocean.
Not everybody does, unfortunately.
If someone has bad breath, drop subtle hints like offering gum or wiping poo in a sock puppet's mouth and repeating everything they say.
He has a short fuse when it comes to a dirty kitchen.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Vlad did not have the best grandparents.
Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of "Didn't Make Me Any Cookies Weekly" again. "What good is she to anyone?" it says.
It's like my grandpa always said: "*complete silence* *sips beer* *stares at some old Western on TV*".
Communication remains to be an issue.
What we have here is failure to communicate. No, hang on. Ok, no. It's a dog. Sorry, I didn't see the tail. What we have here is a dog.
Vlad has written a better version of Rock of Ages probably.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell "leopard" and "deaf" correctly. You're going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
But remains unemployed.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say "Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?"
Vlad has probably eaten at least one snake.
Be careful out there, guys. Snakes sound a LOT like sizzling fajitas.
He is lonely.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don't need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Ready to feel old? When was the last time a friend asked you to go out? No, wait. That's not old. That's lonely. Ready to feel both at once?
And constantly disappointed.
Please be Gwyneth Paltrow's head. Please oh please. Nope. Book. Please be Gwyneth Paltrow's head. Please oh please. Nope. M&Ms.
So weird how when people die and become ghosts their outfits die as well and become ghost clothes. The afterlife is modest and practical.
But no way will Vlad leave this mortal coil by illegal bear attack.
If a bear attacks you, they are legally obligated to identify themselves to you as a bear. There is paperwork involved. Know your rights.
And he hates Becky more than himself.
Stop the hate. Now start the hate back up. Now stop. Now just the girls. Now everyone but Becky. Everyone hate Becky! Haha. Finally.
The same goes for the zoo.
Hey! Let's go to the zoo and check out some seriously depressed Orangutans. Ooh! Expensive Coke machines! Am I in heaven?